Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I've been thinking about a woman I met this weekend who got her pilot's license simply because flying terrified her.  I hope I run into her again because I'd love to get to know her better.  I was thinking tonight about how much I admired her, even how envious I was of her.

And then it finally hit me.  "that was me".  Not really because I haven't had anything so intense like a fear of flying to overcome.  But event jus 6-8 years ago, I was a much more daredevil person than I am now.  And I miss her.  I think of her a little bit when I think of my goal of sky-diving when I turn 40, but really I have nothing between now and then.  I lived my whole life before becoming yoked as one big dare to myself. And now I dare nothing and just work, sleep, mush, repeat.   I barely remember the girl who says, "ah, fuggitt--why not??" And yet, I have been that girl for better or worse for most of my life.       And not in such a healthy/good way either but that is for a different venue.

I obviously don't like myself much these days.

I see glimpses of her, but I sort of divorced her.  I don't know why.  Like there was no more room for the girl who just started to just jump into things she was ill-suited for once I got hitched.   And she was still sort of new to me. She only came on the scene a couple of years before I coupled up.  I liked her. She sucked at stuff but she didn't give a fuck and just kept doing it poorly and still kept doing it because 'why not'? .  It was awesome.
I'm not the only one who has noticed this, I'm sure.  Awesome Husband is most likely much more aware than I am. I mean, there is a reason he married me.  ". And after a decade of living in our little bubble, I'm sure he sees me more clearly than myself.  So, really--what gives?

I don't know.  I have crazy flashes (i always have crazy flashes).  I told him 10 months ago that we should run away to a 3rd world country and give our lives in service.  This week I think I am on the wrong path (nothing new) and want to chuck it all and have a totally different life.

I think the 2 months away from moving to a 3rd world country is out.  I don't think he took me seriously anyway and now he has a path (but what if I was serious about myself?  I don't think I'm ready in 2 months, but I think I'm still heading there.  Like I have been for over 20 years)

Even if it is nothing that radical, this weekend made me realize once again I am in the wrong place.  I don't know how to reconcile this.  I am still operating on an either/or, but the answer is both.  I still don't know what that looks like.  I'm still scared of the kooky part of me.  I wish I had better answers.  It feels like it is just beneath the surface.

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"Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day."

-E.B. White

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