I've been thinking about a woman I met this weekend who got her pilot's license simply because flying terrified her. I hope I run into her again because I'd love to get to know her better. I was thinking tonight about how much I admired her, even how envious I was of her.
And then it finally hit me. "that was me". Not really because I haven't had anything so intense like a fear of flying to overcome. But event jus 6-8 years ago, I was a much more daredevil person than I am now. And I miss her. I think of her a little bit when I think of my goal of sky-diving when I turn 40, but really I have nothing between now and then. I lived my whole life before becoming yoked as one big dare to myself. And now I dare nothing and just work, sleep, mush, repeat. I barely remember the girl who says, "ah, fuggitt--why not??" And yet, I have been that girl for better or worse for most of my life. And not in such a healthy/good way either but that is for a different venue.
I obviously don't like myself much these days.
I see glimpses of her, but I sort of divorced her. I don't know why. Like there was no more room for the girl who just started to just jump into things she was ill-suited for once I got hitched. And she was still sort of new to me. She only came on the scene a couple of years before I coupled up. I liked her. She sucked at stuff but she didn't give a fuck and just kept doing it poorly and still kept doing it because 'why not'? . It was awesome.
I'm not the only one who has noticed this, I'm sure. Awesome Husband is most likely much more aware than I am. I mean, there is a reason he married me. ". And after a decade of living in our little bubble, I'm sure he sees me more clearly than myself. So, really--what gives?
I don't know. I have crazy flashes (i always have crazy flashes). I told him 10 months ago that we should run away to a 3rd world country and give our lives in service. This week I think I am on the wrong path (nothing new) and want to chuck it all and have a totally different life.
I think the 2 months away from moving to a 3rd world country is out. I don't think he took me seriously anyway and now he has a path (but what if I was serious about myself? I don't think I'm ready in 2 months, but I think I'm still heading there. Like I have been for over 20 years)
Even if it is nothing that radical, this weekend made me realize once again I am in the wrong place. I don't know how to reconcile this. I am still operating on an either/or, but the answer is both. I still don't know what that looks like. I'm still scared of the kooky part of me. I wish I had better answers. It feels like it is just beneath the surface.