Eventually, things change

I may be on an upswing. In the last 2 weeks:
* I'm licensed again.
*I'm working with a new investigator who is the most fabulous person in the universe and I am wildly in love with everything about him and this (very serious) opportunity.  (oh god! he treats me like a peer and actually asks for my input. how novel!).
*I only took over his studies last week and suddenly I have support coming out of the woodwork with more experienced research staff wanting to hold my hand to get me up to speed on the intricacies of what I'll be working on.  (I've spent the last 6 years working in the post-transplant world. I'm now moving into transplant).  This is potentially much, MUCH more interesting for me (although I do prefer to work with the patients in the post-transplant setting as it is long-term time-frames...intellectually/scientifically I may love the transplant setting better. We'll see. What my doc is focused on is pretty exciting stuff.)
*My mentor and I are coming up with a plan to transition me into a different position in the fall (hopefully).   I'm not quite sure if I'd work with the same group or not. I definitely do not want to lose working with Le Petit Terreur and Pepe Le Peu.  The reality is, I can have a different title and a different pay scale and still be doing the exact same thing I am doing now.  We'll work on it over the spring/summer.

My whole frame of mind has shifted in the last month.  I have a feeling that my licensing issue has had a profound negative effect on my life for quite a long time.  I knew this, but I don't think I really appreciated how MUCH it has negatively impacted my life and my self-confidence.  I've become a New Woman in the last month or so--even before getting my license again.  The act of committing to doing it was profound for me.

Sitting for boards again was also a very eye-opening experience.  I have been terrified for eons to sit for boards out here.  Petrified to the point that I could never get my shit together enough to do it because I was sure I couldn't do it.  I'd been out of practice for too long.  Too many things I didn't remember.

The reality?  Well, I most certainly failed half the questions because that's how it goes (and I had a ton of "choose all that apply" and I am notoriously bad at answering those correctly), but it was EASY.  I knew I passed half-way through the exam.  It never got to the point where I thought I was seriously over my head.

This isn't just the test.  This is how I have seen my life. Terrified of shadows and smoke.  All of my defeats have been because I have gotten into my own way and doubted myself.  100% of the time.  And I talk myself out of pushing myself because of doubt.  This is utterly ridiculous and I am now bored with the status quo. It was a fun ride, but really?  There have been more than enough times around this particular Merry Go Round.  I'm ready to do something different.

And so I am.