Thursday, December 29, 2011

To every season....

Situation is much in the same place, mind is slowly changing.  Mind is most of the equation most of the time, nu?

A new season. A new year. Not a new me, but some realization and acceptance of how things are, of who I am, and of dreams and aspirations of who I'd like to be.  Of making conscious choices for, perhaps, the first time in my life. And for choices that I cannot make, to change the way I see/feel/react to them.  It is a long way to Grace.

In less heavy news--Miz Zen Work-Bestie and I are planning total DIY (in your face).  Tomorrow we plan out her teenyweeny veg garden for next year.  I'm not-so-secretly planning starts for her as I've got the room.  I've also got herb cuttings to root for her (i can't imagine i  can do this in January).  In exchange, she is spinning yarn for me. (i get the better deal, for sure).   I love being able to trade knowledge/interest/craft with someone.  Cannot wait to get more bandwidth to trade all the things.

2012 is the Year of the Vegetable.  I do not know what our living situation will be come September and so this might be my last year (for the next couple of years) to grow food.  I need to just blow it all out.  I'll make plans, for sure--but I'm also throwing caution to the wind--if there is empty dirt, a seed is going in there.  Period.  If I'm crazy successful or something, I can just get our canned storage needs/wants for whatever comes next.

Speaking of whatever comes next--I have a big date in 3 weeks.  I'm not sure how it will go.  I don't feel real confident but I'm trying the whole "fake it till I make it" because honestly--I think I can reach the goal.  In 3 weeks (knock on wood), my life opens back up again.  I'm not sure what the outcome means, but I do know that I'll have a lot more free time.  Even if things don't work out as planned, it has been nice to realize how much time I waste on things that don't matter. Studying intensively will do that ,I suppose.

A new year always excites me.  Especially after the trauma of this last year.  There are still plenty of personal losses that will need time to process. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever recover.  Other times I realize that I'm not hep to live the Personal Tragedy That Never Recovers plot point.   I did not choose a lot of aspects of this life, but in the end--it is still my life.  My story. My narrative.  I can embrace it or reject it, but it still just is.  Might as well roll.

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"Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day."

-E.B. White

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