Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm having a righteous pity party for myself tonight.  Work is going not well.  And all the signs I've chosen to ignore in the last year and half, the sirens just keep getting louder and louder and louder.  And I keep ignoring them and doubting my impressions.

So many days I have said, "This is the last straw."  But, you know, it never is.  And now it isn't because I have another person to feed  shelter and put through school.  My options are limited/non-existent.

And I'm interested (overall) in this position. I'm in the wrong place with the wrong people. With the wrong patient population.  The title and work is right. Everything else is wrong.  

I can't deal with the triangulation any more. I can't deal with my supervisor withholding feedback until she has to  evaluate me.  I cannot believe that she actually said one thing to me in June and now, in November, there is a completely different story that goes into my file. I feel crazy.  I hate that there isn't good intent.    I hate that my P.I feels like I am a pest instead of an asset.. I hate that we can't just have it out with each other.

Things have been said about me today that I have never, ever heard in my life.  I am devastated. And yet, there is a part of me that thinks, "How am I hearing about things like this for the first time in almost 40 years???"   I'm totally shocked.

And really, I'm totally heartbroken.  In some ways, I'm not being fair.. I have heard none of the positive feedback said about me.  Zero.  It doesn't matter that it took my PI forever to think about something negative about me but the negative things were so shocking to me.    And it isn't even the negative things, but I don't know how to make it better.  I've said for the last year that he needs someone with a lot more experience than I have.  I hate that I've wanted to please him so much and perhaps I have--but I seem to fail  him in ways that I do not know how to make better.

And even more than all of this, I can't be on this crazy train.  I feel like I'm replaying old family tapes.  I cannot count how many times I've muttered to myself, "I can't win."  "I don't understand." or "I feel like I am crazy'

No more of this.  I'm so god damn tired of being in a place where I am second-guessing my gut emotions.  I ALWAYS do this.  And I'm here again wondering if I should make an SOS to my therapist because I cannot figure out if I'm totally delusional or not.    My gut and even my calm brain is saying one thing, but I feel like there is a different narrative happening with everyone else. I don't get it. Am I really this bad???
I feel like everyone else says it me, so it MUST be me.  I'm the common denominator in all of this, right?
Right.  So it HAS to be me in some/ a lot of ways but i just am too stupid to get how/why.

And I don't get why I'm so dumb in THIS.  I am quite obviously incompetent on a number of levels--some of which are simply due to ignorance --but more and more, I just feel out of my depth intellectually.  I don't get it.  I don't think I"m brilliant, but I feel actually stupid for the first time ever.

And when you are a person who is built like me who has spent her whole life thinking that the one thing she possessed was some small degree of intelligence--to have this taken away, is bad.

Yeah--wah me and my white Jewish middle-class totally first world problems.

I hear you, Universe.  I do.

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