Monday, April 25, 2011

i may have returned

We shall see.  Life turns. Things change.  My job, while still the same one that was making me a literal crazy person, is still the same. The hours have become manageable.  In the last couple of weeks I've really learned how to let go of it.  I'm slowly becoming human again, filling back out into my shape.  Remember that there is more to me than this job. 

My 37th birthday passed quietly without much fanfare.  A trip to the zoo.  Indulging in a vegetarian restaurant I hadn't yet tried (Still, while tasty--did not compare to Sutra.  But, then again, nothing does.) .  Poking around in the garden.  Reading "Start Where You Are"

In good news, the garden IS going in this year.  I've got some radishes and a 3x3' space filled with lettuces.  Couple of broccoli plants and pac choi.  Peas are in.  I may have put out the beans too early.  I've got some tomato, eggplant, cucumber, and squash starts hanging out in the greenhouse window for the next month.  I'll (keep fingers crossed) start sowing directly in the ground here in earnest in the next few weeks (warm up, weather!)

I also started Baptiste Power Yoga class.  A few weeks ago.  I'm feeling the old SI injury (I'm assuming it is an SI injury as it sounds pretty textbook).  I'm not quite sure WHERE the problem is in yoga...besides too much slotthfulness for too many years.  I read different things can be the problem:  forward bends, twists, back bends.  Of course, I also read that back bends are good.   I know I push myself too hard (or at least I did when it really started hurting) which isn't good with only 6 classes under my belt.  I need to slow down tomorrow and really pay attention to what I'm doing vs. just pushing on and on and on. 

I've been doing a lot of research this evening about SI injuries since I've been dealing with this for SO LONG.  I know it probably isn't fixable.  I know that it is one of those things that I just might need to "deal with" and that I'll always have pain and I just need to figure out how to ignore it.  I'm not ready to do that yet.  I've found some exercises that might help. We'll see.  What can NOT happen is for me to stop ygoa.   That isn't an option.

While I'd like to say that it was my work hours that are "fixing" me, really, it is yoga.  All yoga.  I haven't been this excited about something in a long, long time.  It's been life-changing.  A true life-line right when I was sure I was permanently going to drown.  Everything makes sense to me when I'm on the mat.  Everything gets played out on the mat. All of it. Every struggle. Every bit of ease. Finding more ease within a struggle.  Stopping the squirrels running in my brain.

 I carry it around with me.  I think about my next class all the time.  I practice a bit at home, but with the return of the joint/back/hip pain--I'm trying to take it easy.  (And until I'm quite sure I can really deal with the injury and work around it, I'm not going to do daily yoga until I figure out the parts I can safely do daily. )  But the desire and drive is yoga and more yoga and more yoga in a hot room with sweat pouring of me and deep breating and trying to find the ease when most of my muscles are trembling and threatening mutiny.

Good grief, don't I sound like a West Coast hippie these days?  Yoga and buddhism and vegan food???  Seriously? 

Seriously.  Anything to save my life right now.  Whatever it takes and whatever speaks to me for me to find the center again, pull the pieces back together.  Try to remember who I am.

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"Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day."

-E.B. White

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