Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Oh lord.  I'm so non-consistent here.  I'm non-consistent everywhere.  I miss blogging. I miss gardening. I miss photography. I miss my fiddle. I miss being social. I miss just about everything.

5 weeks into my new job and I'm hitting a wall.  I'm working 12-15 hour days plus some weekends.  I don't know if this is just a bucket-full of bad luck stupid, being a new kid, having my PI be in-service for 7 weeks, having my back-up being on vacation...or this is just how it is.    I do know that I have burnt out faster than even I thought was possible.  I cried when I woke up this morning, cried when I was at work for 12 hours, and would like to cy now but I'm just too worn out.  I know there is a balance point.  I just think a lot of bad things hit when I have no back-up and add to that a steep learning curve and no investigator until the end of July? Bad times all around.  I wonder if this is how it is for everyone...I seem to have a special knack for running into issues these last 7 weeks that most people have never dealt with.     Go ME!!!

The only upside to this is that I feel (or rather, I hope) that i haven't been bugging my PI with too many things and only brining hin the "hrm" stuff.  So far, I'm getting the sense that I'm  giving him things to really chew on.  It's been a LOT of stuff, but I feel like I've had a run of bad luck coupled with not knowing what I should know until about 30 seconds after I do something and realizing that was the wrong thing.  :/  I feel like there are a lot of people who have been unhappy with me (not specifically, but "me as a person they feel safe venting at or the first person they could get live to vent at")  and I've been internalizing it all.  Add to that my own super-perfectionistic personality traits--its a match made in OCD heaven.

I've been walking around almost totally blind for the last month.  I'm over it.  I'm really hoping that I'm taking the worst of my licks right now so the next few months go smoother.  I don't really have  a Plan B if this is a total ClusterFuck that I shouldn't have gotten myself into. I'd just like to work less than 70 hours/week by next month.  Hell, I'm making less than I did with working with Dr. Doom by almost 1/3 and working the same hours AND I'm salaried.. This is not working out in my favor. :/  

There are gardens that need my desperate attention.  There is a fiddle that I dream about weekly.  There are people that I miss desperately.  And spell-check that I can't be bothered with. :) 

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"Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day."

-E.B. White

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