Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My alternator light came on in my car and it's making a really not happy sound. I'm taking it in this afternoon, and I'm wondering if this is it for the poor little beastie. My car is worth absolutely nothing in trade-in. Zero. Zilch. Nada. It's low-milage given it's age, but it burns oil like crazy and Saturns are just crappy cars. So, it's always a question on whether or not to put the money into the beast. I put MAYBE 5,000 miles on it a year and this was before I bought a bike and me wanting to commit to driving much, much less. We have a car. I techinically do not need a car. I have a bike. I have public transportation. I really can use Nathaniel's car if I need to haul stuff.

That being said, I feel very panicky and anxious thinking about giving up the car. VERY. I've never been carless since I first got my licensce at 16. I'm terrified to give up having a car. It makes me feel dependent and unable to be self-reliant(although having the bike does mitigate a little bit of that feeling).

All I can honestly think is: How I can I flee if I don't have a car? WTF? Flee what? Where? Why? Unless an earthquake happens or we get bombed...I can't imagine I'd have to flee. I'm terrified that if Nathaniel's car breaks down, then I won't be able to rescue him or let him use my car. It isn't like we couldn't get by and without much hassle, but in my head--it feels dangerous and scary. (and nonsensical because it is pure emotion).

Thinking about not having a car is really tweaking my "always have a backup plan that I can instantly go to" mindset and it is absolutely making my stomach churn and freaking me out. I was really hoping to spend this summer mostly car-less so I could ease into the mental transition of eventually not having my car. I knew the car was eventually going to not make sense financially, but I wanted to feel a little more secure in...uh, I don't know. Whatever intangible thing I needed to feel secure in...before I let it go.I sound terribly spoiled right now. Waah. I might not have a car. Poor me :/ It really isn't a big deal, it just is twinging some internal dark place that I probably need to root out.

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