If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

big ideas

2012-01-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

Many years ago I had this big idea that I would become a Secret Harlequin Romance Novelist. By day, research geek but by night--professional bodice-ripper and heaver of bosoms. No one would know about my secret (and by "no one" I mean "probably everyone" because I can't keep a secret about myself if I tried, but in my imagination--I would know how to shut up.) At my death, the Big Reveal would happen and friends and family would murmur among themselves in shock, "who knew that she wrote 17 books under the name Sonja Deveraux (that wasn't going to be my secret nom de plume, but doesn't that sound like a either a fake romance novelists name, b) a porn star, or c) a character in an 80's soap opera)? Did you know that she wrote "Valentine Summer Love A Go-Go? She always seemed so logical and snide--who knew she harbored such great passions in secret?" and so on and so forth.

At the time I had never read a romance novel. Awesome Husband (who was only Swell Boyfriend at the time) convinced me that I had to read at least 3 romance novels before I could write one. I mean, I guess he had a point about me actually knowing what goes into a romance novel before I wrote one. Needless to say, I was so furious by these books and I >hated< the females in the books so bad that it just totally ruined my vision forever. I hated them so much that even now, almost 10 years later--I am typing violently at my keyboard just remembering how much I detested them. I ripped one of the books up I was so mad. In Harlequin romances, the ladies are written like one-dimensional batshit insane stalkers. And not even in an amusing way. In a "what the hell is this nonsense?" way.

(Of course, this was before I was introduced to the marvel and wonder that is Harlequin Romance Novels Featuring Pregnant Broads Looking For Love. I've read a couple of those that I found at a dive bar I used to frequent and they are A.W.E.S.O.M.E.. And yes, they are awesome even when you are sober.Trust me. )

So, anyway. My grand dream was MURDERED. And now a few days ago, I've decided that I could just write self-help books. Those are money makers. I even have a working title of my first one:

"Yes, You *Are* Totally Fucked Up In the Head. So Is Everyone Else (With Sprinkles)"

It's going to be a sort of blend of "I'm Ok, You're Ok" with name-any-book-by-Sark. I'll make millions.

the end.

2012-01-09T22:53:00.000-08:00

10 days until the big test
14 day until yucky audit
21 days until the big safety report is due
Add trying to get 2 studies off the ground as well, both with their own problems as well as normal work day stuff. Yeah, life is more than a little stupid.

10 days until testing and I'm already thinking about getting back into the kitchen and getting back into my pile of neglected dirt. And that is all I'm thinking about. Getting my life back.

I gotta pass this test

16 hours

2011-12-29T23:58:00.000-08:00

begins Operation Lockdown. Friday eve-Monday afternoon I am in a hotel in a part of town with absolutely NOTHING. I will unplug the t.v, disconnect the phone and spend 68 hours studying, napping, and swimming. I'll most likely repeat the cycle next Friday-Sunday. Still trying to determine if I'll do it in 2 weeks or not. I suppose it depends on how I feel--but it is likely.

On one hand, this is TOTAL overkill. OTOH, this albatross has been a weight around my neck for more years than I care to remember--always full of emotion and waffling. If I can actually lift this weight off of me once and for all, any money/time/energy spent is absolutely worth every penny and every second.

It's been long over a decade since I have holed myself up in a hotel room to cram for test with occasional swim breaks. It was only last night that I remembered that I did such a kooky thing. Turn off all clocks. Close all curtains. Block all natural light as much as possible. Study until brain is full and either swim or nap. Rinse. Repeat.

But it has always given me the best test scores. And this week I finally noticed that my quality of studying decreases when Awesome Dude is at home. He never interrupts me. We are even on different floors and opposite sides of the house. He is totally silent. Doesn't matter. It is still radically different than being alone. And I do the best brain time when I feel alone. So, it's time to go back to what was successful in the dorm.

Bags are packed. Goggles are purchased. Just me and my brain for 3 days straight. And a few weeks to prove the work I've done.

selah

To every season....

2011-12-29T23:20:00.000-08:00

Situation is much in the same place, mind is slowly changing. Mind is most of the equation most of the time, nu?

A new season. A new year. Not a new me, but some realization and acceptance of how things are, of who I am, and of dreams and aspirations of who I'd like to be. Of making conscious choices for, perhaps, the first time in my life. And for choices that I cannot make, to change the way I see/feel/react to them. It is a long way to Grace.

In less heavy news--Miz Zen Work-Bestie and I are planning total DIY (in your face). Tomorrow we plan out her teenyweeny veg garden for next year. I'm not-so-secretly planning starts for her as I've got the room. I've also got herb cuttings to root for her (i can't imagine i can do this in January). In exchange, she is spinning yarn for me. (i get the better deal, for sure). I love being able to trade knowledge/interest/craft with someone. Cannot wait to get more bandwidth to trade all the things.

2012 is the Year of the Vegetable. I do not know what our living situation will be come September and so this might be my last year (for the next couple of years) to grow food. I need to just blow it all out. I'll make plans, for sure--but I'm also throwing caution to the wind--if there is empty dirt, a seed is going in there. Period. If I'm crazy successful or something, I can just get our canned storage needs/wants for whatever comes next.

Speaking of whatever comes next--I have a big date in 3 weeks. I'm not sure how it will go. I don't feel real confident but I'm trying the whole "fake it till I make it" because honestly--I think I can reach the goal. In 3 weeks (knock on wood), my life opens back up again. I'm not sure what the outcome means, but I do know that I'll have a lot more free time. Even if things don't work out as planned, it has been nice to realize how much time I waste on things that don't matter. Studying intensively will do that ,I suppose.

A new year always excites me. Especially after the trauma of this last year. There are still plenty of personal losses that will need time to process. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever recover. Other times I realize that I'm not hep to live the Personal Tragedy That Never Recovers plot point. I did not choose a lot of aspects of this life, but in the end--it is still my life. My story. My narrative. I can embrace it or reject it, but it still just is. Might as well roll.

2011-11-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

I'm having a righteous pity party for myself tonight. Work is going not well. And all the signs I've chosen to ignore in the last year and half, the sirens just keep getting louder and louder and louder. And I keep ignoring them and doubting my impressions.

So many days I have said, "This is the last straw." But, you know, it never is. And now it isn't because I have another person to feed shelter and put through school. My options are limited/non-existent.

And I'm interested (overall) in this position. I'm in the wrong place with the wrong people. With the wrong patient population. The title and work is right. Everything else is wrong.

I can't deal with the triangulation any more. I can't deal with my supervisor withholding feedback until she has to evaluate me. I cannot believe that she actually said one thing to me in June and now, in November, there is a completely different story that goes into my file. I feel crazy. I hate that there isn't good intent. I hate that my P.I feels like I am a pest instead of an asset.. I hate that we can't just have it out with each other.

Things have been said about me today that I have never, ever heard in my life. I am devastated. And yet, there is a part of me that thinks, "How am I hearing about things like this for the first time in almost 40 years???" I'm totally shocked.

And really, I'm totally heartbroken. In some ways, I'm not being fair.. I have heard none of the positive feedback said about me. Zero. It doesn't matter that it took my PI forever to think about something negative about me but the negative things were so shocking to me. And it isn't even the negative things, but I don't know how to make it better. I've said for the last year that he needs someone with a lot more experience than I have. I hate that I've wanted to please him so much and perhaps I have--but I seem to fail him in ways that I do not know how to make better.

And even more than all of this, I can't be on this crazy train. I feel like I'm replaying old family tapes. I cannot count how many times I've muttered to myself, "I can't win." "I don't understand." or "I feel like I am crazy'

No more of this. I'm so god damn tired of being in a place where I am second-guessing my gut emotions. I ALWAYS do this. And I'm here again wondering if I should make an SOS to my therapist because I cannot figure out if I'm totally delusional or not. My gut and even my calm brain is saying one thing, but I feel like there is a different narrative happening with everyone else. I don't get it. Am I really this bad???
I feel like everyone else says it me, so it MUST be me. I'm the common denominator in all of this, right?
Right. So it HAS to be me in some/ a lot of ways but i just am too stupid to get how/why.

And I don't get why I'm so dumb in THIS. I am quite obviously incompetent on a number of levels--some of which are simply due to ignorance --but more and more, I just feel out of my depth intellectually. I don't get it. I don't think I"m brilliant, but I feel actually stupid for the first time ever.

And when you are a person who is built like me who has spent her whole life thinking that the one thing she possessed was some small degree of intelligence--to have this taken away, is bad.

Yeah--wah me and my white Jewish middle-class totally first world problems.

I hear you, Universe. I do.

2011-10-30T01:20:00.000-07:00

1) At some point, the dog has learned the phrase, "Go to bed". I'm not sure when this happened. This is the first time I said it to him while I stayed on the couch. He's in his doggie bed in the bedroom and down for the count. This is a different command than "Go to your mat" (where the mat might be anywhere in the house). I now believe my dog is a genius. This will change tomorrow when I watch him expend 20 calories trying to lick 1 calorie off the floor.

2) I'm having a "soup attack". I am not a big soup eater and in the last 2 weeks, the only thing I want to eat is soup and hearth bread. I've got ants in my pants for tomorrow's CSA drop so I can get an apple and parsnip soup done. I'm not dealing with this change in weather well.

3) Tomorrow I get back on the bike. I'm just going to ride up and down the hills of my neighborhood for a couple of weeks to try to rehabilitate the hip issue. My favorite bike commute times is late September-early January and I can't deal with not being back on her. I'm going to just have to force the issue for awhile and take it easy. If I can rebuild my strength in my neighborhood, I should be commuting again in no time.

4) The hip issue gets worse and not better. I also notice that I get older. I further notice that I become sloth-like after each setback. Like most everything now that I'm closer to 40 than not--it's "use it or lose it". I need to be serious.

5) January 19th is the date I get credentialed again. I took a preliminary test last night to see how I would do. I could, in theory, pass rig Now that I'm moving forward, I'm rethinking everything. I swore I would never do hospital work again, and at this moment--I'm trying to figure out what i need to do to do part-time research My world and future has just opened back up for me now that I'm returning to my roots. Too many doors shut in the last 14 months with the studio and the future of the family I dreamed about. Those weren't really my dreams anyway, just me being supportive and hopefully being able to find a place within it. I have been waiting for someone to rescue me, perhaps for my entire life. I am 37 years old and only now discovering that I must create the world I want to live in.

shmupdate

2011-09-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

I keep wanting to write, but there is little to say and even much less time for navel gazing. I religiously kept a journal from 5th grade until 5 years ago. I now tell my spouse all the things I used to write for myself. I suppose he's my living journal now. It isn't that I don't have time to journal. The thoughts I would like to jot down happen now in places when I don't have access to writing materials--the shower, taking the dog for a walk, riding the bus. Maybe this will change.

I FINALLY have a new idea for a photography series. It's been years since I've had an idea that I thought I could actually execute. There is some planning involved (e.g.--there is a book I need to read) and I'm not quite sure if the book is going to give me what I need to write. I suppose we'll see. First, the reading.

Started yoga again after a hiatus. It doesn't feel the same in my living room as it does at the studio. I need to figure out a way to be able to afford to go just once a week. Yes, I'd prefer 3 times--but I've got to get out of my all/nothing thinking. Once a week is better than what I have now. Money is tight, and a 10 class pass would get me 2.5 months if only once a week. It feels decadent and frivolous. But maybe I should figure out how to splurge on this one thing that seems so beneficial to me physically, emotionally, spiritually. When I started practicing, I felt like someone finally threw a a lifeline to me. Maybe grabbing back on isn't frivolous. Maybe it is is a necessary expense. Especially in times like these.

Today I am grateful that I can vent my emotions about our current situation and still be forgiven. I say things that maybe I shouldn't and yet when I don't say them, I feel like I am lying. Most days, I've got it all together. Honestly. I'm in a good Zen space about all of it and have a deep knowing that everything is going to be ok. But some days I'm just tired and I feel ripped of and that too many things were taken away from me before I got to actualize them. I'm mad at him. I'm mad at me. I'm mad at the universe.

Really, I'm just aware that there are doors that are closing or that have been closed. And I don't like closed doors. Or limited options. I want all options available all the time with my feet and hands and head touching all of them so I can do whatever in just a moment's notice. This idea has never actually been true, but I have believed it could be true so I never had to face what actually is. It has taken me until I was 37 to realize that, uh, I've been drifting since I was 19. Not that a clear direction would have necessarily manifested, but
you know...it might have helped. Then again, things might be even more devastating.

I have a secret timeline these days. It isn't so secret because Awesome Husband is aware of it and has signed on. There is 10.5 months left to see what happens before things are executed. Part of me hopes that nothing works out so that we must execute it. Not part. Most of me. Most of me wants it. The waiting keeps me excited to see what happens next.

Perhaps that can keep me busy. Getting Ready for Plan B-Escape Velocity. It would at least get me focused on something other than mulling about.

Don't call it a comeback

2011-09-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

I'm almost on my final day of my 2 week vacation. It's been...well, I'd like to say it was glorious but given that the season in my life has changed---it's been it's own challenge. I feel extremely rested but still not looking forward to returning. This is not-so-obviously a sign that I am in the wrong place. I am much less upset about that these days because--well, I need to work and this pays the bills.

Today was the best day (by far) of the vacation (aside from our travels last week). I'm still decluttering my study, but the rest of the house has been seriously deep-cleaned. We have bags and bags of clothing and books that we need to figure out if we are going to sell or just take to Goodwill. I'd like to throw out EVEN MORE (like most of it), but right now I have minimalism on my mind. I want to be much more mobile.

This, I'm sure, is completely due to now being the sole (soul?) income provider to the household. Awesome Husband is bringing in unemployment--but that is just bonus money for us to throw into savings because this may last for more years than I can imagine.

I am terrified much of the time these days. I am also much more centered and grounded these days. They say that crisis brings out the best in folks and thus far (and only 2 weeks in), I'm seeing what I'm really made of. And I'm recognizing myself again and have found myself again in a way that I didn't realize I had lost.

"Baby gotta atom bomb", indeedy.

The garden has been cleaned up and ready for a cover crop this week. It might be a bit early, but we get such minimal sun in winter (and late fall) that I'd like to get as much growth as I can now. I'll be keeping a bed open for garlic to be planted in the next week or 2.

I'll be researching growing some food inside this winter/fall. We have heat mats and lighting. I'm hoping I can provide at least some lettuce this winter before I have to start seed in February.

I've spent part of today readying about DIY self-irrigating systems using plastic and I am so gung-ho about trying it. Yes, I'm trying to reduce our plastic consumption but I have no problem fishing plastic bottles and boxes from other people. My brain has been working overtime today on starting some projects to see how absolutely little I can spend on growing a maximum amount of food. I don't have the details yet in my head like "how much space do I need", but I'm thinking of having a couple projects going on (separate from my own raised bed garden) to see what happens.

More than that, I'm just thrilled that I got turned on again by something. I've lost my passion in most things for the past year (almost exactly) so to want to chew on this process, to remember that I am still interested in helping myself and others become as self-sufficient as possible--is enormous to me. There is more to life than the daily grind I have been sucked into. It's too bad that it has taken a crisis for me to wake up, but I'm not sure what else gets folks out of complacency.

Spent this afternoon cooking. Big pot of late-summer-chowder goodness, rice, and late summer goodness salads. The "lets just eat out" excuses don't cut it when your income has halved. I am actually welcoming it as we have fallen into some bad, bad patterns this last year that I wanted to stop, but didn't know how to. An outside force changing the pattern is a blessing. A lazy blessing, but god knows if we would have done it ourselves.

This whole change is a blessing, no matter what happens or how it plays out. Even through my fears, I'm calmer and more collected than I have been in a long time. If nothing else, learning how to be centered in the middle of a storm--that is a blessing.

i may have returned

2011-04-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

We shall see. Life turns. Things change. My job, while still the same one that was making me a literal crazy person, is still the same. The hours have become manageable. In the last couple of weeks I've really learned how to let go of it. I'm slowly becoming human again, filling back out into my shape. Remember that there is more to me than this job.

My 37th birthday passed quietly without much fanfare. A trip to the zoo. Indulging in a vegetarian restaurant I hadn't yet tried (Still, while tasty--did not compare to Sutra. But, then again, nothing does.) . Poking around in the garden. Reading "Start Where You Are"

In good news, the garden IS going in this year. I've got some radishes and a 3x3' space filled with lettuces. Couple of broccoli plants and pac choi. Peas are in. I may have put out the beans too early.  I've got some tomato, eggplant, cucumber, and squash starts hanging out in the greenhouse window for the next month. I'll (keep fingers crossed) start sowing directly in the ground here in earnest in the next few weeks (warm up, weather!)

I also started Baptiste Power Yoga class. A few weeks ago. I'm feeling the old SI injury (I'm assuming it is an SI injury as it sounds pretty textbook). I'm not quite sure WHERE the problem is in yoga...besides too much slotthfulness for too many years. I read different things can be the problem: forward bends, twists, back bends. Of course, I also read that back bends are good.   I know I push myself too hard (or at least I did when it really started hurting) which isn't good with only 6 classes under my belt. I need to slow down tomorrow and really pay attention to what I'm doing vs. just pushing on and on and on.

I've been doing a lot of research this evening about SI injuries since I've been dealing with this for SO LONG. I know it probably isn't fixable. I know that it is one of those things that I just might need to "deal with" and that I'll always have pain and I just need to figure out how to ignore it. I'm not ready to do that yet. I've found some exercises that might help. We'll see. What can NOT happen is for me to stop ygoa.   That isn't an option.

While I'd like to say that it was my work hours that are "fixing" me, really, it is yoga. All yoga. I haven't been this excited about something in a long, long time. It's been life-changing. A true life-line right when I was sure I was permanently going to drown. Everything makes sense to me when I'm on the mat. Everything gets played out on the mat. All of it. Every struggle. Every bit of ease. Finding more ease within a struggle. Stopping the squirrels running in my brain.

I carry it around with me. I think about my next class all the time. I practice a bit at home, but with the return of the joint/back/hip pain--I'm trying to take it easy. (And until I'm quite sure I can really deal with the injury and work around it, I'm not going to do daily yoga until I figure out the parts I can safely do daily. ) But the desire and drive is yoga and more yoga and more yoga in a hot room with sweat pouring of me and deep breating and trying to find the ease when most of my muscles are trembling and threatening mutiny.

Good grief, don't I sound like a West Coast hippie these days? Yoga and buddhism and vegan food??? Seriously?

Seriously. Anything to save my life right now. Whatever it takes and whatever speaks to me for me to find the center again, pull the pieces back together. Try to remember who I am.

vitamix!

2011-03-05T22:55:00.000-08:00

So I totally splurged on my vitamix (that I use almost every day) and bought the dry grinding attachment that goes with it. I do already have a grain ginder and I don't regret buying it. I thought it would be stupid to buy something that I couldn't use if the power was out/i decided to live like a hippie with minimal electricity.

The reality is that I find a manual grinder more trouble than it is worth. I don't feel like dragging it up and hten attaching it and spending 15 minutes grinding (so effin' lazy), and breaking everything down and putting it away. It really isn't that much time, but with my working 7 days a week most weeks, almost anything that is going to break down my psychological barrier to start doing right by making it on my own.

I gotta admit, taking only 2 minutes to grind grian and be on my way was pretty awesome and it felt like "no big deal". I'm hoping that I can get back to a loaf a week again.

I'm taking off all day tomorrow to clean up the much neglected garden, getting everything together, and finally starting to start some seeds (i'm really behind). I've got to figure out what I need ot start ASAP--aside from some greens). I still haven't planned the garden. It may be just another "put someting in the frakin' ground". I don't care right now. We just need some food, soon.

Alex, I will take "Things that Disturb Me for $1000 and 4th entry"

2011-02-02T23:48:00.000-08:00

Reading back through this blog, realize that I have been crying before work for...uh..almost 6 months straight. this isn't good.

In which I post 3 posts because I'm trying to catch up

2011-02-02T23:36:00.000-08:00

Work front.

I'm still a holy mess of a hot wreck. I am still a convert into the Holy Grail of Le Petit Terreur (this is always my problem. I believe in the work these people do and happy to kill myself to try to make it come true because I want it so bad--for them, for me, for the people it could help. This is sooo pathetic)

I have been spending more time with patients lately (some of it TOO MUCH TIME because of the downtime clinic days makes with new protocols trying to work themselves through). And I feel like maybe that is the missing piece. The more time I get plugged into actual patients, the more time I feel good about my job--despite the hours.

Some of these people aren't even on my study yet (!!!) And here I am in the middle of their lives. And yet, it brings me such absolute peace and centering. This, I think, was the piece I was missing from research. I guess I've always been a nurse at heart. Decades ago I made the decision to myself that to be able to make a difference in ONE person's life, to be able to impact them in some small way--changed the world. I might not see it directly, but I could maybe affect it generations down the line. Cocky, perhaps. But I do believe that it takes just one person in just one moment to make some sort of ripple that affects other. It might not be a cascade, but it might help be a little nudge to help a cascade.

In research, I get to affect larger populations, certainly. A bigger push. I find that it is lacking some personal meaning for me. And my inexperience now in clinical trials has compounded that. (and when I worked in epi, I only worked with populations and not individuals so I didn't get that).

Lately I've been talking about volunteering in hospice again. Mostly due to a lot of dissatisfaction at work and needing to ground myself. I've always loved hospice. If I wouldn't have left St. Louis, I'd probably be in a much different place within the hospice world than I am now. I find true peace in that setting. I can be fully present in a a way that I have never been able to do anywhere else.

I yearn for working in a hospice setting because it is most likely the complete opposite of what I do now. This is no criticism of the doctors and system I work within. Their focus is saving lives, not having good deaths. It is a completely opposite modaility. One that I struggle with a lot and get angry with a lot. It isn't anyone's fault. It is just...well, is.

Anyways, I stray off topic. Lately I have been able to really connect with patients. And I know what my role is--it is to focus on the larger picture, not the individual. I have to care more about my data than an individual. And it is hard. I think it is something we all struggle against---what is good science vs. what is good for this person. It is often not the same thing. It is hard to split it out.

But regardless of what it is, I get to connect. I get to care for people in some small way that hopefully makes their lives easier. I get to be with people (and my job) in a way that actually fulfills ME. Every patient I encounter gives me something back, whether they want to or not. I just delight in the fact that I know they are on this spinning planet. If you have ever heard me, you know I delight even in my "problem people". They don't have to make me happy. They don't have to give a care for me. They just need to exist and maybe I just need to plug into them. I get fed just by being able to know them, to be a small vector in their lives to intersect. The smallest, most insignificant interactions feed me in a way that probably nobody else even processes.

But it is nice to connect with patients. And for some reason, just within the last few weeks, I have felt like I have made some breakthrough with the medical team I work most closely with. I've worked here for 8 months and only NOW do I feel like they take me seriously. I feel a lot more like we are collaboratively working together vs. me being some bumbling idiot who is just a jerk and making their lives more miserable. I wish I knew what it was that I did. Maybe I am just learning their language finally. Maybe they think I am less of an idiot? (or not). Most probably they know I'm not leaving so they just take pity on me. It doesn't matter. They do take pity on me and I do eat it up. Because I want to right by their patients and right by them and, hopefully, if nothing else--they at least see my earnestness in wanting to make a go of it for everyone with being as unobtrusive as possible to everyone.

in which I publish more than 1 post so I feel less slackerish..

2011-02-02T22:57:00.000-08:00

I would like to be more subvsersive. Awesome Husband thinks this is hilarious because I won't even jaywalk when there is absolutely no traffic. This is a far cry from our days in any type of alternative scene and most likely offends the inner punk-rocker of his youth. It doesn't offend the inner skater-chick of my youth, but punk rock > skater in terms of hardcore, I guess.

I think growing my food is subversive. I think, in fact, it is VERY subversive. And if you don't think so, read more Wendell Berry.

I want to influence every kid (and adult) I meet and instill in them a total passion of science. I don't care in what field it is--I just want them to love science. A little slice of it or the whole she-bang.

And maybe, it isn't really even a love of science that I want to infect them with, just a love for learning. For me, that came about in science--so that is the lens I look through. One of my closest and definitely dearest gal pals knows little about medical science, but she is well-versed in the arts--and I'd say absolutely gifted in language and literature. I am less familiar with her areas and so love to listen/read what she has to say. Just like she at least tolerates me talking about my passions. Because really, I think we both just enjoy learning and it doesn't matter who or where or what topic--just information whores.

And this is good. And it is subversive. If it knowledge/learning WASN'T a subversive act, then as a society we would be much better educated. We'd be scoring off the charts. And we aren't. We like black and white. We like the easy answer. We like turning off and tuning out (I know I do.) We like simple. We like cause and effect (and that is how our brains are wired).

I want to turn people on to information as a whole, I guess.

I mentioned somewhere that even with all the problems I am having at my work--I get to go to lectures. I get to read journals. I get to spend time doing nothing more than gaining knowledge, even if it isn't immediately (or ever) applicable. And it is totally encouraged. At least once a week for an hour (and over the course of a week, it is always more than an hour), I get to learn for no other reason than the pleasure it gives me. None. Information for information's sake. A total indulgence in pleasure that I can't imagine I would ever get working in a non-scientific/non-medical capacity. At least weekly I get to say, "Hrm. That is interesting." Because it is. (And that might mean nothing to anyone who reads this...if anyone reads this. hrm--interesting. sounds so flat and boring, but i tell you, a mild "interesting" is like HOLYMOTHEROFGODOMGCOOLTIME! in non-scientific language. Seriously.)

I want everyone to have that experience. I want to nurture the "Hrm". I don't care what or where or how, I want to develop a love for learning in folks. I want more people to think in terms of grey. I want people to love the hard answers, be comfortable in having contradicting thoughts, question everything. Knowledge is awesome. Knowledge is power. And power is subversive.

in where I sound like a woo-meister

2011-02-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

but not really.

When I am on vacation I'm doing a...well, I don't know what to call it. I hate to call it a "detox" because that isn't accurate. It will look like a "detox" but I don't think I'm clearing out stored toxins because I have a liver for that. I don't think I'm "balancing my body" by eating more "alkiline foods" because the body only functions normally (meaning your kidneys and lungs are functioning as they should) within an EXTREMELY NARROW pH and your food isn't going to change that (although your urine pH may change, but that is something different). I would punch anyone I could in the throat if they thought that there was something to "flush out" that was stuck any organ (including: colon, pancreas, liver).

But sometimes, just drinking a megaton of water and eating a boatload of fruits and vegetables just does my body/mind/soul good. Call it "organic rotorooting", if you will (although that still sounds like I might have various things lining my colon that are just stuck there). Call it "eating and drinking too much crap for too long so going to get all monk-like on the ingestion front to swing wildly the other way to find balance in the middle there". Saying that is too long, so I just sorta call it "detoxing without having toxins". Just so people might get what I mean. Or probably not and I just sound stupid.

Anyway, I'm gettin' all pure light and love and good vibrations with my food for a few days, yo. I haven't really done any type of "cleansing" thing before and I'm just glad that I get about 7-10 servings of fruits and veg usually a day and my system is relatively used to a high fiber count. Otherwise I'd be calling it Days of Colon Blow.

what now?

2010-12-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

I already broke my promise of "no more weekends". It has now moved to Christmas holiday. Did I not tell myself that if it went longer than 3 months, this was untenable? I'm now pushing 7 (in this job alone). I'm stuck in a "if I just get this one thing done..." mode. But there is always another thing. And, most unfortunately, there is always another deadline.

I'm so sad that my biggest fear came true. I stayed out of the clinical coordinator positions because I got burned so badly about 5 years ago. And I'm right back there again with an almost identical circumstance. I don't know why I think there might be a different outcome. I've already been here before.

I pick jobs the same way other women seem to always find the one abusive alcoholic in the crowd and decide he is a good mate. It's a gift I have. A crappy gift, but I suppose I gotta take credit where I excel. I don't excel in a lot of areas of life, but I got this one down to an artform.

Baker Creek Seed Catalog came in today. I'm not sure what I was doing while I was flipping through it, probably day dreaming of a gentleman's farm in a warmer climate and what I would grow. Awesome Husband walked in the room and laughed at me. I had some silly ass smile on my face and a far away look. He asked me if I was going to cut out the pictures of vegetables and tack them up in my cubicle at work.

Really I was just tapping into what I love. Dirt under my fingernails. Worrying over sprouts. Being connected to something other than tan walls and a tan desk in front of a computer.   Sure, I am a cog in a machine that hopefully one day will make at least a tiny difference in someone's life. And I still cannot tolerate it one bit. I need to be outside. Not sitting so much. Creating. Making. Doing something tangible that I can actually see.

I hate to think that by Christmas holiday I will be so burned out from too many days at work that I can't get up the energy to be in my garden.   I can barely look out my back door. The neglect of old plants, dead birds, messiness--well, it doesn't take a degree in Jungian psychology to see what reality I'm manifesting out there (and how I now hide from it).

I'm always waiting to reboot these days. I hope I do so soon. There is a fiddle calling my name, you know.

Baby steps

2010-12-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

So far this week I've gone from: not working at all this weekend, to going into the office one day, and now just deciding to work from home. There just isn't enough time in the day to get everything done and I feel like a disorganized, chaotic mess at work. I can barely see my desk. I hate working like this. My impulse is to go to the office and try to dig out, but that never works. Maybe if I can bring home just a couple of things and limit myself to a few hours of actual productive work, I'll feel better. I become less productive the longer I stay in the office. I know these things and yet, it is difficult to knock it the hell off.

I need to winterize the garden. It's late in the season to do so. I still have things to pull up/dig out/etc. THese things can no longer wait. Work can. Or, rather, it will. There is bread to be baked this weekend and pho to be made. There are photographs to be taken and soap to be processed.

2010-11-29T23:57:00.000-08:00

The "nice" thing about having a blog is that I thought that my life had only been "too much work" since my new job. According to this blog, it started some time in/before March.

No wonder I'm friggin' burned the hell out. I may have been being a workaholic for almost a year now. :/
No wonder my garden failed. Good grief.

I see that there is some serious apologizing to do to Awesome Husband. I've been checked out for a long, long, long time. :(

So not done writing yet

2010-11-29T23:46:00.000-08:00

So, anyhow. I'm obviously not done. I've decided that I need to challenge myself to make one change every month this next year (although starting now) to get on the path to where I want to be. "Where I want to be" is a very vague, nebulous idea I have right now which makes getting there a bit more difficult. Perhaps the correct thing would be, "to travel on the path I want to be on", but that makes me sound like a twit.

So far, half-way through this month I decided to give up my car. It is sitting in front of my house, but I'm only going to be doing that until January/February and then we are getting rid of it. We are going to be a 1 car family. It is totally ridicuous that we aren't given that we work within a 5 minute walking distance of one another (ok, maybe 10? Maybe 7? Anyway, close.) This forces us/me to:
-bike more! Yee!!! This is #1 reason! Bike! More! Yee!
-Take public transportation when it is perfectly reasonable alternative!
-Save thousands of dollars a year once we dump the car as we no longer have to pay insurance, gas, monthly parking, car doctor fees, etc.
-Actually walking the walk I wanna walk instead of just talking the talk,
-It demotivates me to work late in the evening and weekends because it is a "hassle". This is both at the bottom of some mental lists and the top of others.

December is going to be:
-getting rid of our stupid cell phone plans. We have like 98 batrillion zillion roll over minutes on our plan because neither of us talk on the phone very much. I calculated it out and we are spending like 22 gazillion cents per minute on our plan. Stupid.

-Plan the pantry/stockpile. "Stockpile" sounds so ominous doesn't it? I sound like a freaky survivalist, neh? Sure, I have fleeting thoughts about being a freaky survivalist more than I like to admit, but hello! I like to buy things cheap! Planning the pantry/stockpile also means getting better about learning how to USE WHAT I AM STOCKPILING. I don't want to be a hoarder. I just want to save as much money as possible. And lemme tell you--I was doing some stockpiling earlier in the year and you know what is awesome? Not running out of toilet paper for months. If I need more toothpaste, I just go into the cabinet to get more and don't need to worry about picking it up. Stockpiling is like nirvana for a lazy ass like me.

Just in case you didn't hear me the first time: Not. Running. Out. Of. Toilet. Paper. For. Months.
I should have just written that instead of talking about stockpiling.   It is self-explanatory. Stockpilling is a slacker's paradise!!

-Start couponing better. I see people who do amazing things with coupons and spend like no money at all, but buy hundreds of dollars of crap. I can't imagine that I would be that adept as I still feel like I mostly purchase fresh fruits and veggies. I understand the idea about "well, if it is free, then get it anyway" mentality IF (and only IF) they were things that I could donate to shelters/folks in need of what I could obtain. It is something that i need to research a bit more (both in what do charities need in goods and if it is possible to obtain those sorts of things with crazy couponing). I can't imagine I'll be one of those ladies who is a coupon maverick. I don't have enough interest to spend hours a week on it.  I want to make more and more from scratch, not less and less and coupons are often mostly pre-packaged foods or things I don't use.
But it would be nice to be able to stock up on things we DO use for months at a time and even better, if I can figure out how to stockpile what I don't actually need but someone else would be happy to have either at the food bank or shelter.

-Stay on top of our budget better. I have some pretty specific savings goals in mind. While we can't get down to a 1 person income while we are renting our current place. I'd like to get as close as possible.  I'd like to have the freedom of one of us be able to go to school full time or have a family or something without the financial pressure. Sure, we'd be saving quite a bit every month--but really it is to start to train us to live differently.

This all culminates into 2011. I was originally going to name it, "The Year of The Farm", but I figure i don't want to set myself up for the absolute failure that was last year. I'm just going to say that I am very focused on my goals and that is: to get out of this city, get some land, and live the way I want to live.    This is a process of learning, aquiring skills, changing habits. And that is what I'm aiming to do next year.   If I want to homestead, then I need to homestead. And I can homestead on my little plot of land as well as 5 acres. In fact, it is much easier to homestead on my tiny lot with no farm animals than it would be to suddenly become a Gentleman Farmer tomorrow. I don't want to waste any more time with the opportunity to actually get some skill set before I "have" to. And so I won't.

I'd like to say that I'll write here more. I don't know. The idea of bandwidth seems new and I have been failing at it so badly that I hesitate to say more. I always seem to get my priorities straight and then I always get derailed. Perhaps for this month and the next and for 2011, the motto is: "Stay strong. Be firm."

Oh yeah, I'm totally going to keep this blog updated.

2010-11-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

Le sigh. No excuses this time. Should I just be thrilled that it has only been a month and not 4? Should I care as this is only for me? I miss writing. I miss bandwidth.

The weekend at the ocean was just what I needed. More than what I needed. I spent too much time wrestling with my current job situation--vascillating between furious anger, deep despair, mourning, calmness. It was an emotional tempest that caused me to sleep 10-12 hours a night with a 1-3 hour nap in the middle of the day.   I want to love this job. I really do. I feel like if I don't have too much craziness, it could be something I love. I just feel like I've been treading water for 6 months and my arms are getting really tired at this point. I may drown at any minute.

Exhausted from the absolute panic that I feel many days that things are getting away from me, are too big for me. This job is doing a fabulous job of pushing all of my "not good enough" internal buttons. I don't feel competent and often feel like a fraud. I'd like a little less chaos. A little more feeling like I am at least sort of on top of things. Perhaps that comes with more experience. Or maybe a few less challenges. I don't know. I want more calm. I want to grow, not just make room to exist.

And while this tempest was happening in my head, I needed to be near the ocean. It would have been a lot worse had I been landlocked.   I feel like I can rest when I can be near the ocean.   It is, I suppose, a return to Mother. She is unfathomable, vast, mysterious, and life-sustaining. And being with Her--really being in Her presence--makes me realize how small and inconsequential my life is, how meaningless it is. Instead of being terrifying, I find it soothing and a homecoming.   I can return to my Right Mind.

And so, I return. And today was filled with my PI touching base with me (finally!), being able to talk to my supervisor about my concerns about growing our program, finding support with my supervisor (also with terrible workaholic tendencies) about how we need to remind each other that our place of employment is not a lifestyle.    Sure, everything blew up again--but I feel like I have some air again. I'm guardedly hopeful.
Perhaps I am a fool . No "perhaps" about it, I'm sure.

If nothing else, I feel less like a "victim" at this point with this job. I feel like I can draw boundaries. I can do it in other places in my life, I can do it here too.

And so, with some more bandwidth and rules, I hopefully start to reclaim my life again.

sheepishly sneaking back in...

2010-10-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Oh how funny to see me freaking out back in July. There was the "I'm not doing this anymore starting September 1st". And now there is "SOB--Save Our Beanhead" that started this week. Last weekend was the last weekend I work weekends. Full stop. Period. Since last week I've been trying to work only 9-10 hours. I'm hoping to get down to almost 40 hours by November 1st. I'm crazy close to really enjoying my job. No need to rehash the last few months. It's just been chaotic.

Garden? Dead. All blueberry bushes=dead. Tomatoes-dead. Everything-dead. I killed all of it. I haven't even unearthed the potatoes I grew--which means they are dead and rotted at this point as well. This whole year has been a loss. No garden. No fiddle. No cooking. Just work and more work

So, as a part of "SOB"--less work. More things that nourish me. It's fall/winter. Time for knitting and cooing bread and comfort foods. And hopefully, to pick this up again.

2010-07-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Oh lord. I'm so non-consistent here. I'm non-consistent everywhere. I miss blogging. I miss gardening. I miss photography. I miss my fiddle. I miss being social. I miss just about everything.

5 weeks into my new job and I'm hitting a wall. I'm working 12-15 hour days plus some weekends. I don't know if this is just a bucket-full of bad luck stupid, being a new kid, having my PI be in-service for 7 weeks, having my back-up being on vacation...or this is just how it is. I do know that I have burnt out faster than even I thought was possible. I cried when I woke up this morning, cried when I was at work for 12 hours, and would like to cy now but I'm just too worn out. I know there is a balance point. I just think a lot of bad things hit when I have no back-up and add to that a steep learning curve and no investigator until the end of July? Bad times all around. I wonder if this is how it is for everyone...I seem to have a special knack for running into issues these last 7 weeks that most people have never dealt with. Go ME!!!

The only upside to this is that I feel (or rather, I hope) that i haven't been bugging my PI with too many things and only brining hin the "hrm" stuff. So far, I'm getting the sense that I'm giving him things to really chew on. It's been a LOT of stuff, but I feel like I've had a run of bad luck coupled with not knowing what I should know until about 30 seconds after I do something and realizing that was the wrong thing. :/ I feel like there are a lot of people who have been unhappy with me (not specifically, but "me as a person they feel safe venting at or the first person they could get live to vent at") and I've been internalizing it all. Add to that my own super-perfectionistic personality traits--its a match made in OCD heaven.

I've been walking around almost totally blind for the last month. I'm over it. I'm really hoping that I'm taking the worst of my licks right now so the next few months go smoother. I don't really have a Plan B if this is a total ClusterFuck that I shouldn't have gotten myself into. I'd just like to work less than 70 hours/week by next month. Hell, I'm making less than I did with working with Dr. Doom by almost 1/3 and working the same hours AND I'm salaried.. This is not working out in my favor. :/

There are gardens that need my desperate attention. There is a fiddle that I dream about weekly. There are people that I miss desperately. And spell-check that I can't be bothered with. :)

Oh dear

2010-06-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've been away, it seems. For longer than I thought I would be. I thought about writing. I really did. There were just too many long hours at my old job and now--so many hours at my new job--that everything has fallen by the way. The writing, the garden, the fiddle, the cooking, the canning, the cleaning, the photography--even just being a present partner to Awesome Husband. I'm not sure how soon this will change as the new job is still only 3 weeks new.

But, I like it. I really do. The first 2 weeks were stone-cold panic. My PI is in-service for almost 2 months, leaving me pretty much alone. This week has been a fair bit bettter as I'm figuring out my resources. My days are now busy enough that time flies by. I'm putting my clinical skills into practice. I'm working with lovely, brilliant people who are at the cutting-edge of my field. I've met the most amazing people and they seem to accept me as a peer immediately.  I get emotional fed by working with patients again.   I have time to attend grand rounds again and make a point to see at least one additional lecture a week.

While it took me a long time to actually make the jump (due to all sorts of past baggage with jobs), I think I've landed in the right place with the right people. I hate to be all glowy about things as I'm still in the honeymoon stage--and lord knows I love the honeymoon stage.   I just think that this might be exactly what I've been looking for for awhile now. All those years in epidemeology and really? Really, I needed to work in clinical research.

In the garden? Well, it's a hot mess. Will there ever be a day that I can call my little patch of dirt something other than a "hot mess"? Due to working so much, I did end up just tossing all my well thought plans out the window and just "put the frackin seeds in the frackin' ground and see what happens" method of gardening.

This method does not include entering into the computer what I have done, writing down what I have done, or even putting markers in the garden of what I planted. Nope. I have no god durn idea what the hell is where in there if it doesn't look recognizable.

I'm trying to take a zen approach to all of this. If you know me, you know that I get paralyzed with analysis. I need data, charts, reports. I may not make a move until I have looked at every possible angle, thought about it, researched it, scribbled it down, thought about it some more, got more information...and on and on and on until nothing is done at all. The "shit-it's-mid-June-and-half-the-dirt-isn't-planted-let's-get-whatever-seeds-in-there-I-can" approach is about the last thing I would ever do.

Half my dirt is still unplanted, of course. But whatever. I totally screwed it up and ignored it and so I'm just going to see what is going to grow right now and be happy with what I eat.

In good news, I've been eating a ton of lettuce and radishes. The peas are going crazy. I got a number of turnips that are ready to be plucked. I actually got at least a dozen parsnips growing (go me!). I realize that I haven't been growing carrots because I kept plucking up the shoots thinking they were weeds (oops).

The potatoes grew a lot faster than I was expecting. I think I might get a pretty crappy crop. They were so small for so long and then I feel like I couldn't put dirt in fast enough in their pots.   I'm telling myself that if I can get 5 lbs per bag, then I'm successful. I'd prefer 10 lbs, but I don't think I'll hold my breath.

The tomatoes aren't the happies. I finally put them out 2 weeks ago. I guess we'll see. The peppers, eggplant, melons, and cucumbers are still inside. I'm really hoping they can go out after July. Zucchini are out. We'll see on that as well.

July is near. I need to start things inside for fallI (assuming I can grow anything).   It's very difficult to think about planting for fall right now when I have nothing that looks like summer yet.

In other news, I put up some more photos of China (finally). I'm trying to tell myself just to get 10 photos done a week and I'll be done soon enough. It's been 1.5 years since we've been. I'd really like to pick up my camera again soon. :( I miss it. Not enough time with too many days
Everything else is swimming. Awesome Husband and I have been down all week with some horrible virus. I'm deaf in my right ear due to it. Besides work, it's been rather boring around these parts.

I'm hoping once we are back to normal and once work calms down, we make an agreement to get more creative. He's got writing to do. I've got long-lost photography projects. We have shared projects that we've talked about both in writing and photography.

It's time for the next phase of our life and to join super powers creatively.

This is written on my new laptop and not edited yet. There may be crap all over the place as my hand keep hitting the wrong buttons. Deal.

Yes, it is the tunnel opening

2010-04-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

So, I was almost a month off with my predictions of having a "normal" schedule again, but...finally. Finally we are here!!!

And we (the royal We) are fairly behind in planting. The garden is a mess. I've been planting things, certainly, but not documenting what I've planted when. Oops. I know what I have planned so it isn't like it is a TOTAL mystery, but--yeah. I figure that either something will come up and I'm good or I'll just go back and replant in the blank spaces what I think should be there. My inner perfectionist is a tad freaked by this, "Oh, just throw some seeds on the ground" mentality---but it was either do that or not have a garden.

I'm hoping to get some photos tomorrow. It's looking like a real garden in parts. The chinese cabbages are being absolutely decimated by something--as they were last year when I said I'd never plant them again. I've been at war as much as possible, but I'm losing the fight. Fortunateyl, the other cabbages seem like they are doing fine. And if it takes growing chinese cabbage as pest food so I can have regular cabbage--I guess I'll make the sacrifice. I don't really have a choice right now.

The raab is up and I've figured out that I don't know how to harvest it. I should have harvested a few stems but I thought I'd wait just a day or two longer to see if I could get more growth. Of course, there were stems that bloomed the next day. :( I thought the stems would be longer. Or that there would be more of them. I'm not sure how much actual food I'm going to get out of 2 plants.

I worry about the broccoli in the same way. I have 4 plants but I can eat a LOT of broccoli. I had 1 or 2 plants last year and really got maybe a cup or so from them. I think I wasn't harvesting them as well as I could have either.   The main heads on the broccoli last year were tiny as well and, much like the raab this year, I assumed it was going to get bigger--but it just bloomed.

I still haven't gotten my potatoes planted. That's the only thing I'm behind on. I have the seed and the pots and everything ready to go. they absolutely MUST get into pots tomorrow.

My tomatoes are blooming already. :/ I think I really did plant them too early since I decided to go with Stupice and ...er...another "colder" season paste tomato and an early currant.   I repotted them last week. I'm hoping to build a hoop house for them this week (or next) and get some black plastic down so I can warm everything up for a couple of weeks before the final transplant.

Speaking of final transplant, I still have to re-do my garden plan after losing those 8 square feet of growing space.

Finally, the dead tree in front and root system is gone as of this weekend! Now we just need more dirt, more rocks for a barrier, and I can start re-trnasplanting the herbs from the side garden. I still haven't quite finalized what the herb garden will look like--I just know I'm going to need room to tuck in annuals as well.

Light? Tunnel? Maybe?

2010-03-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

Cross your fingers. I might be over the worst of the 12-hour-a-day, 6-day-a-week work madness. I'm gunning to get things wrapped up by this Saturday. I might be fooling myself.

I miss my garden.
I miss cooking.
I miss my family.

I'm feeling pretty worn out and disconnected to just about everything these days.

It's gotten so bad that Awesome Husband is buying processed food for me to take to work. I mean, soups that I didn't make, frozen entrees that I didn't create, etc. Things that I said that I would never eat again. I'm eating them simply because I'm awake for an hour or so after I get home and the whole idea of going into the kitchen for any reason is abhorrent. (you know things are bad when I refuse to be in the kitchen).

The man that I married knows me so well that it took him a long, long time to go grocery shopping. Why? Because he looked on the back every single box, every frozen meal to make sure that there was nothing except real food in it. I didn't ask him to. He just did it on his own. He also bought me all vegan foods. I didn't ask for that either. He just knew that while I'd eat whatever was put in front of me, if I had the bandwidth--I'd not feel real good about where the meat/dairy came from (Quite honestly, I'm too much of a robot right now to care much about anything) I was just grateful that he was going to do the food shopping and giving me things to take to work. I gotta say, to take that much care and concern about some frozen meals for me is just about the sweetest thing anyone has ever done.

In other news, I'm currently reading, "The Value of Nothing". I don't know whether to recommend it or not. You'll like it or dislike it based on your politcal leanings. It is a bit disjointed and jumps around too much.
It is also another book that made me cry when I read it and just feel hopeless about how much I am part of the problem. I had no idea coltan was mined in the Congo. I'm now feeling extremely uncomfortable with our cell phones and laptops and cameras. On one hand, there is little to do about it now (except for giving money to charities to help women in the Congo)--but future purchases of electronics are going to have to be researched better and strong discussions about consumers of these types of electronics.

I can't be part of the problem--especially since ALL of it (even cell phones. Seriously. We lived for decades without them) is not necessity. Purchasing video games for my entertainment or a laptop so I can go write in a coffeehouse or an i-phone is being complicit in sexual violence against women. My dollars give consent.

It just isn't right. Andnow that I now, I can't justify it.

I'm ridiculously trendy

2010-03-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

According to this Slate article. And even more than that due to my cheesemaking, my taking baby steps into charcuterie, growing my food, grinding wheat, etc.

Well, fine. I'm happy to be trendy. Sure, canning is not my favorite thing in the world.  It isn't Yes, I am sort of dreading how my life is going to look once the tomatoes come in this year. No, I'm not a big jelly, jam, or pickle person so I'm left sorta flat on that. But I do loves me good stock and you simply cannot buy good stock at the grocery store. I love soups and meals I can put together fast when I'm working 12 hour days and having ready-to-eat soups that I created lining my shelves is a god send. I like the emotional security of knowing that I can provide for my family--that if we have a source of food, I can preserve it. I like not being at the whims of the grocery store provides (and, hopefully, in time) at the whims of food production in this country.

And who cares if it is now gourmand? So what? I learned my lesson last summer eating that first ripe strawberry out of my garden that I had been suckered into thinking that the produce I buy at the store was tasty. If I can grow something myself that can also be delectable--almost x-rated in it's sensuality from the pleasure I derive in consuming it--why shouldn't I?    Or what about the first loaf of bread I baked and realized that this was a totally different animal than what I could buy at the grocery store? A few cents of my money and a few hours of my time gave me a product that I used to spend quite a bit on in specialty bakeries and was just as good?

I'm glad canning is making a comeback. I'm glad gardening and cooking is making a comeback. I'm glad that knitting made a comeback and learning how to make your own clothes.      These things don't have to be drudgery. These things are life--whether you like it or not or are bored of it or not or hate it or not. Every body has to eat. Every body has got to have clothing on their body (well, at least if you live in the PNW or you'll get wet and cold. If you are in Florida--go on and get on with your naked self)

   So, we got all these convenience foods starting in the 1950s and we did WHAT with all of that extra time? (and I'm not even going to get into what I think about the chemicals of those foods) Sit in front of the television. And that is fine is if that is what you want to do. Lord knows, I love to spend my evenings watching a movie or reading.   But we got away from doing for ourselves, starting depending on companies that really don't give a crap about us to take care of our needs, and then just sorta got sedentary. Most of us didn't use that extra time to create art or music or increase their knowledge or help others.   If we did, then there wouldn't be warnings about how folks spend about a month (or more) every year watching television.

I think that for some of us (or maybe I'm just talking about me but don't want to seem freakish so I'm roping you in as well), we looked around and said, "What is the point?" What is the point spending your time going to work, hitting up the grocery store to pick up a ready-to-eat meal, sitting in front of the televison, going to bed.   How could that be all that there is? 50 years of that? Yikes. Better pull the plug now.

If you aren't doing what you are truly passionate about (and really, many of us don't) for what pays your bills, shouldn't you attempt to find something worthwhile outside of that? And is it so horrible that for some of us, what is worthwhile is nuturing our family, caring for ourselves, sharing with our neighbors through food and craft? Isn't that really what we've been doing for a millenia anyway? Just because we don't *have* to these things anymore doesn't mean that it stops plugging into a very basic part of our brain that finds pleausre and meaning in doing so. That a lot of people are re-discovering this meaning might not just be a trend. It might mean that the last 30-50 years just didn't quite work out like we thought it would. That we missed out on too much, became too alienated. Or maybe not. I don't know.

What I do know is that I've wanted to be self-sufficient for years and years but had zero idea how to go about it all. Especially living in a city, I had no idea how to even access these things or figure out what was available to me. That the very things I've been interested in (and really, for me is is less about the canning or the cheesemaking or the cooking or the knitting--but the self-sufficency of it) are becoming popular again means that I can finally find resources.

It reminds me of 20 years of trying to learn to knit. I'm left-handed. I asked my grandmother to teach me, but it didn't make sense. I bought books on and off in my early twenties but they ALL said that if you were left-handed, put the book in front a mirror and learn to knit backwards.    Knitting finally got popular again. And when it did, there were books about continental knitting. There were websites with videos showing how to knit for left-handers. I picked it up in a matter of weeks. I could not have done that if it hadn't made a resurgence. I feel the same way about this local food movement. I'm so thankful for finally having an opportunity to gain the skills that I want for the life I want to lead.

I hope this made sense. I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep and just ranting.

There is enough minutes in the day

2010-03-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

I've been working 10-12 hour days (including Saturday) this last week due to last minute requests. This will most likely go on for the rest of the month. The month I need to be planting. So, I'm seriously less than thrilled with having to jam in everything on Sundays. No rest for the wicked.

Also, no photographs. Barely any cooking (although I have to crow that I made the most awesome pancakes with my left-over cultured buttermilk topped with my kick ass applesauce. (I have no idea how I made such ridiculously amazing applesauce and I'm pretty bummed that I only have 2 jars of it left. I could eat it on a daily basis.))

Peas finally got in. Planted radishes, lettuce, spinach, rutabagas, turnips, and green onions outside. I really hope I wasn't jumping the gun on any of it.

I'm already out of room for the 1 indoor light set up I have for seed starting. I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to have time to put up a 2nd light in Awesome Husband's room before I kill off the pepper plants that aren't getting enough light now that I re-potted up the tomatoes. :/ Yikes.

It occurred to me when I was putting in the peas this week that I could have actually started them indoors. I didn't think you could/should do that but I saw some for sale at Swanson's. Because I don't seem to get enough sun early enough in the year (and I really don't think I'm getting enough sun right now for what I just planted), it makes more sense for me to start more stuff indoors at the "right time" and then just put it out when the sun cooperates. This means definitely having to expand my set up for next year.

I really hope that I can carve out some time to get my thoughts out on this blog instead of what I'm currently doing. I've got a number of things in my head. Unfortunately, 10-12 hours in front of a computer all day means that it is the last place I want to be when I get home.

when i first came to town, they bought me drinks a'plenty...

2010-03-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

Writing
I think part of why this blog is so spotty is that after spending 8-10 hours intensively in front of a computer, I just don't want to be there during my free time. If I could live my dream of just working on a homestead--perhaps I'd have more desire to sit and barf out my thoughts on a machine. I really do want to write here more often. I'm just so fatigued of seeing a screen by the end of the day that I'd rather be doing something than documenting it.

I have such limited time in my day to do the things I want to do (or rather, perhaps I do not properly manage my free time) that there just isn't enough hours in the day. I can't imagine how I am supposed to raise a child on top of all of this. I suppose we'll see. (No, that isn't a hint that I'm with child. I'm not. Just musing.)

Garden
The peas did not go in this weekend as I was hoping. No, instead I got bad news that the 10'x4' north bed was not to be. Our back yard is a hill. To properly raise the west end of the bed to be more level, I'd have to raise the bed almost 16". yikes. :( So, I've roughed in 2 4'x'4' beds. Relatively even. In that, I've lost 6 square feet of growing space. I'd be upset, but so far my 9 square foot garlic bed would be empty until mid-summer and I haven't still haven't rotated any crops in my main 100' area. There will be room for everything, despite those feet being gone. I just need to plan better.

So,ladies and germs--here is the main garden area:

Here is it from the side. You can sorta see the originally raised beds with the wood stepping areas every 4' (which actually might not do now that I'm trying to use it. I've stepped in my tilled dirt more than once already since the old concrete is sloping like crazy. I try to just be pleased the my foot sinks so far into the dirt.)

Planting:
Ok, ok--I didn't actually get around to planting anything. But I bought basil, slo bolt cilantro, and parsley seeds this weekend. I also bought 6 rosemary bushes for the weird area out front (my rosemary bush at the side of the house with the rest of the herbs is about to die. This is the second year I've killed rosemary there. I think it just doesn't like to be there.). I also picked up 3 more blueberry bushes. So, I have 5 blueberry bushses to plant out front as well in the next week or so depending on the weather.

Better than nothing, I guess.

FoodI made cultured butter tonight. I've made butter before but was sorta "meh" about the whole thing. It's nice to do it myself (and even nicer that I have my lovely kitchenaid mixer so I don't actually do jack)--but bland since I don't add salt.

I actually did take some snapshots, but nothing turned out not-blurry. Basically, I used 4 cups of cream to 1/3 cup of Grace Harbor Farms Yogurt* and stick it somewhere safe. 14 hours later--I whip it all up and: there you go--cultured butter.

*I hate to admit this, but I splurge on that yogurt. I like it much better than the stuff I make myself. I think the cream on top is divine. Shhhh. I don't splurge on it often, but it is a decadent treat when I do.

Awesome Husband says he can't tell the difference when eating it off my finger, and that I must make some buttermilk biscuits immediately so that he can do a proper test. I say that cultured butter tastes about a bazillion times better than regular butter. It's worth the 3 minute hassle and the extra cost.

I have extremely clean-tasting chicken broth to can up tomorrow. I just haven't gotten around to it. I'm working crazy hours.

In final cooking news, "Ratio" just came in today from the library. I've been waiting forever to get my hands on Ruhlman's new book. I'm a brand-new cook and totally unsure of myself. I've been trying to find something that will teach me the basics of cooking. Not just "here is an awesome recipe"--but "here is the base of what you need to know so that you don't need a recipe".

I think it says a lot about me as a cook. I'm sure the whole idea of "duh! Just throw something together!" seems intuitive to most folks. 4 years ago, I said I burned water. My sister loves to tell tales about how when we were growing up, she used to cry to my father and beg him that I don't do my fair share of cooking. I wasn't just ignorant about cooking--I was a disaster. I mean, even 6 years ago, my sister refused to buy me a kitchen knife I requested because she was worried I'd somehow hack off my leg trying to cook. And she wasn't even being dramatic. I might have.

Hell, I still might. Just because I can make my way a little bit around a kitchen, doesn't mean I've lost my klutziness. Just sayin'.

Misc

The thing I love most about Admiral Radar Dolomite Burgertime, Esq. is that when I try to sing (belt out) him traditional folk songs or old-timey blues songs, he jumps on me and starts licking my face and mouth frantically. It's his way of telling me to Please For God Sakes, Stop it! Amazing that I performed opera during my teenage years. Very kind of that instructor. I am like a harpy.

I seriously need to get on the ball about my future. Not because I want a new job, but because I'm almost 36 years old and more than anything, I've decided I want to play the fiddle. I can't start learning until I do some unpleasant things that are on my to-do list first. But gads, its' time to play music. I wonder if my pops still has my guitar. I'd prefer to fiddle, but it would be nice to really upset the dog if I could both strum AND belt out songs.

Other Misc.
You know what would be really awesome? If I could get together a group of folks where we could trade cheese, charcuterie, canned goodies, soaps, eggs, etc. on a monthly basis or something. We'd figure out how much we could spend at max (to make it fair) and just make batches for one another to take home. Sorta like those soup parties but with more varied stuffs.

I'd like to find groups of urban homesteaders. I'm sure they are all over (and probably a ton in my neighborhood) to build a community with. Create our own commerce. Trade food that we grow for goods that we make. Raise each other up.

I'm sure they are out there. Most likely right under my nose. I just have to do the work to find them.

I have other thoughts about my home and Shabbat and such--but that'll take a different post.

Woah. Where have I been?

2010-03-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Taken down by one of the worst chest cold and sickies I have had in a long, long time. Out of work for days. Some nights I even dreamed about oxygen masks. Then came the fun part of Awesome Husband and I ping-ponging the illness back and forth for close to a month. Geeeyah.

I was able to start the tomatoes, peppers, and lettuce last weekend. (I think it was then? It's been such a phlegmy blur)

These little cabbages:

now have double leaves and will be transplanted this weekend into bigger pots. More lettuce will be planted this weekend.

Now, everything just seems to depend on the sun. I am pretty sure I'm finally getting enough sun for the peas and perhaps some lettuce. I'm not quite comfortable putting anything else out there for now. I watch the sun all the time these days. I check my garden multiple times on the weekend to see what is getting sun and how much. I won't do the "official sun shine chart" for a few more weeks, but next year I may do it once a month in late-winter/early-spring to really get a better handle on when I can start to get things out.

Fruit

I decided to reign myself in this year about the raspberry plants. I do not actually want to reign myself in, but tripling the size of the vegetable garden needs to be enough for the moment. I'm still going to add blueberry bushes to the front yard and many, many, many more strawberry plants--but that has to be good for the moment.

Speaking of fruit, the blueberry bushes are flowering

I'm not really sure how many bushes we need. The one last year was definitely not enough. I got a second one a bit late in the season. 10 plants, perhaps? 5? We're doing the tiny tophat variety and--oh gads--I can't remember the other name. I'll keep the bigger bush in the pots and plant the tophats. I'd love to be able to have enough to freeze for the winter, but I suspect that I'll need larger plants for something like that.

Awesome Husband is going to help me finish up the last 10x4 bed this afternoon. It had been complete, but our entire backyard is on a serious slope. I need to raise the bottom of it about 6" to level it out some. whoops. Well, at least I didn't start planting in it and drowning all the west-side plants.

I hope to get photos of my bare-but-complete main garden. I'm so dang proud of it. Except for some of the lawn removal, I did it all by myself. Looking back, it wasn't rocket science or anything--but it is the first time I built something that didn't come out of an Ikea box.

New day

2010-02-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally started seeds for the broccoli, raab, and cabbage. I'm trying to go easy on the cabbage since I'm the only one who really enjoys the stuff--but I do find myself with 3 types of cabbage. So, I just basically planted 2 of each to see what comes up. I'm happy to eat the stuff all day every day.

Of course, I now must check my little seeds every 8-10 hours to see if anything has happened yet. I *know* it has only been 24 hours and nothing can possibly happen--but I still feel compelled to look for any tiny signs of life. I love this part of it. Sure, sure--I love to say that I "don't really like to garden, I just like to eat". I love to say that I'm goal-driven and the "process" is simply the most unfortunate part where I have to a) have skills and b) be patient to get to the part where I get the stuff. I lie through my teeth, I think. I never get tired of this part--witnessing life exploding, sometimes almost violently, from dormancy. I've said it before and I'll say it again--there are universes contained in the little patches of dirt that I toil. I just need to remember to be still and watch.

Watching my poor little lime tree struggle to stay alive despite my futzing and seeing that one living branch bursting with flowers feels like a redemption today. The life that I'm creating and cultivating is sometimes stronger than I am and maybe I need to sit back and let it do its thang.

(Did you see that? I added a photo! oooo!)

Looking at more than just that blossom is a little disconcerting:

There are 2 other buds underneath that first one that are about to bloom. But look at that mess of dead sticks all around that one stem. Pokey. Bad. Just 5 months ago, that was a lush lookin' plant. :( Still, you gotta admit that the living branch is pretty hopeful. Maybe I haven't totally ruined that and the lemon tree behind it (which is also lookin' pretty stick-y these days.)

Between that and watching the blueberry bushes starting to bloom like crazy, I've got spring fever somethin' fierce. I think I have appeased the Sun Gods with my dancing as it looks to be clear skies for the rest of the week. Everything can dry out, I can fertilize the beds, and just (im)patiently wait for enough sun to hit my patch of dirt so many rows of peas can get planted.

And now for an obligatory photo of Admiral Radar Dolomite Burgertime, Esq.--my most patient model. Sunny days where he can lay in the sun have been few and far between lately. When it happens, the only movement he makes all day is just to follow the sunbeams around the house. This was sometime during yesterday's half-day sun fest.

Now that I'm posting photos, I really need to get a lot more exciting with these entries here. I have interesting (at least to me) blogs that I'm writing in my head during my daily commute, but I can't type and be on a bicycle. By the time I sit down, it's all evaporated. le sigh.

oh dear lord in heaven

2010-02-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

(Or insert whatever deity you would like here).

5 hours.

FIVE HOURS.

of planning the stupid vegetable garden. 5 hours. All morning. And I still don't have everything quite figured out because I don't have all the succession stuff down. I actually might have way more space than I need (assuming everything grows nicely and has enough sun). I mean, I'll grow into it--but I seem to be able to stick almost everything in their own space without even using any square foot twice. Hrm.

I still need to break things down into "what I can start planting right now" and come up with a planting schedule for succession planting. I obviously don't need to be planting 25 feet of lettuce right this second or all the carrots. I suppose I'll see if I can space things out to plant every 2 weeks or so.

I'm hoping to get seeds started this weekend: cabbage, broccoli, kale, parsley, and hot peppers.

And start doing "no rain" dances so I can get the beds finished up and add fertilizer.

Long day

2010-02-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Spent most of the daylight hours taking out all the compost I put into the new beds. I got paranoid that there is TOO much compost.   And I needed to lime the soil. Because I didn't do that. And I need to do that . So, everything got undug, limed, top soil added, and compost.   5 hours later, I still have half of the garden to go.

I'm blaming Steve Solomon for all of it. I'm re-reading "Growing Vegetables West of the Cascades". I read it last year when I started this mess but it just was confusing and upsetting. He isn't really a fan of intensive gardening. I was reading too many things that contradict one another (surprise, surprise) and had zero knowledge to be able to just pick out the cherries.

I'm still totally ignorant, but I feel like I can pick out what I want to at this point from what I read. So, progress HAS been made in this last year, I guess.   He makes some stunning points about what is wrong with the soil and compost in the Pacific NW and why it is as crappy as it is. It totally makes sense why my garden last year was a complete stunted mess until I started fertilizing it heavily with kelp and fish. We just don't have enough good stuff around these parts.

So, I limed the soil to hopefully make everything a little more balanced in the Ph arena, added a lot more top soil, and put some of the compost back in. Next week, I'll add organic fertilizer. I'm using stuff from Walt's Organic instead of what Steve Solomon's recipe. It's just easier.

I'm crossing my fingers that this is going to be the "magic pill" I'm looking for.

On the upside, spending so much time really working the dead soil with topsoil and compost today has done WONDERS. The soil is friable and fluffy and dark. It's gorgeous.

I must admit that about 3.5 hours into this, I thought "What the f*** am I thinking?!? Why on earth amd I doing this??? There is a grocery store 2 blocks away." I just had to keep reminding myself that it is only horrible this ONE time while I'm setting everything up. It's been months of horrible, but it's just one time and then I'm good. OTOH, we won't ever be able to move because after putting this much frackin' work into the beds, I won't want to leave them.

I make a crappy activist, I guess. Eh, that's not the right word. Freedom fighter? Fightin' the man person? I don't know.   My vegetable patch is most definitely a subversive act. A way for me to tell the coporations to...well, in the interest of keeping this blog "PG rated", I'll let you use your imagination.   A way for me to "opt out".    I certainly can't whine about having to do additional manual labor because I'm too ignorant to know what I'm doing if I honestly believe I'm doing something right for me and for my family. That's lame.

I had more to write, but I'm gonna sign off. My back is aching and I want to lay down.

2010-02-04T21:54:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the NW Flower and Garden Show. Tilth's display garden had a ton of gold medals on it! I almost cried when I saw it! It was stunningly gorgeous. So glad I was able to do my small part to help it happen. Picked up a pair of garden boots (huzzah! No more dirty heels!) and a gorgeous wicker basket to haul my gardening supplies and harvest.

And a blue topaz ring. Yes, a ring. For my finger. Aside from my wedding rings, I don't own any rings. And since I am now 3 months into actually not biting my fingernails anymore (i know, i know. I'm 35 year-old nail biter. I just refused to be a 36 year-old nail biter), I celebrated by purchasing something frilly and girly and that had nothing to do with sweating or dirt or stink.   I've decided that this is the Year of Beauty and Being Feminine. I'm starting it off with this ring. So there.

Seeds
My seed order is trickling in. Cabbage, Delicata squash, early hot peppers, 3 types of tomatoes, Ambrosia melon, broccoli raab are all here. Still waiting for the Ronde de Nice squash, Cocozella di Napoli squash (the memory of the taste of that squash just came floding into my memory. It just needs a light sautee with good olive oil, sea salt, and fresh ground pepper. Totally decadent.), and Petit Gris de Rennes Melon. Between those, last year seeds, and what was given to me at the last Tilth planting party--I'm full up of seeds for this year (and years to come).

Garden
Of course, I'm just generally worried about the garden these days. Worried that nothing is going to grow well this year. Trying to figure out how to hedge my bets without having a soil test done. :/ I'm feeling a bit smushed as things are going to be going into the ground in about 10 days. I will be so heartbroken if I tripled my planting area and don't get a decent harvest.

I've got almost everything planne t out at this point. Or, at least I have finally figured out how much we will need. Where it goes will be easy.

I also have to get all the trellises built this weekend. And figure out what will go into containers to be trellised vs. in the ground.

Citrus
My citrus plants are seriously unhappy. The lime tree has 4 leaves on the thing. It's barely hanging on. My girlfriend, the Meyer lemon, isn't fairing much better either. I've been fighting pests all winter. The ants seem to bring them in. I can't tell if they are aphids or something else. I suspect it is aphids since the ants are around. I'm not sure. But things aren't going well and haven't been going well and it's adding to my general malaise about being able to grow my own food.

I say this while also pricing out 2 dwarf nectarine/peach trees that I'll also put into pots and also need special care during the winter.

This is getting ridiculous. Seriously. I keep buying food. It doesn't grow but I won't stop with the obsession.

More Things I Learned Last Week

2010-01-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

-Just because pressure canning was easier than it seems, it does not mean that one should get all lackadaisical on the second canning attempt and forget to put the screw lids on the cans before processing. That was 8 pints of delicious chicken broth that I wasted.

-When you make your first batch of cheese, you probably want to make sure that you pick up a pot from a second hand store to be your "waxing pot" so you don't ruin a good pot that you will want to cook with later. I did not ruin any of my pots, but I did not get to wax the cheese. Which is now not edible. I don't even want to discuss it anymore.

-Make sure you are reading the right recipe when you make a new loaf of bread for the first time. Do not start flipping through your book while you are in the middle of making said bread. Total bread failure. Total. I did find out that the dog will happily eat dough.

other news
I hooked up with my local WAPF chapter. Yes, I did read "Nourishing Traditions". Yes, I have some serious problems with the research that Sally Fallon used and the pseudoscience that is filled in its pages. I personally don't think the diet as it is written is for me. But I do agree with a lot of her and the WAPF ideas.

Better than that, they have food buying coops. I'm picking up 25 lbs. of hard spring red wheat from Bluebird Grains for a whopping $15. (I was too chicken to actually pick up 50 lbs). If I only make 1 loaf of whole wheat bread a week, that's about 6 months worth of bread. Not bad.

They have group buying a lot and it is all local, so I'm totally thrilled. I may actually be able to source out most of my stuff locally and not feel so hindered by the prices at the farmer's markets.

Speaking of eating locally, I told Awesome Husband that I wanted to one day write a book called, "How to Eat Locally and Sustainably Without Being A Total Jackass About It". Or maybe, "How to Promote Your Local Farmer Without Sounding Like Your Head is Shoved Up Your Hiney". More and more, I roll my eyes at people about this stuff. I'm into it. I am excited to be buying more directly with farmers and starting to buy from farmers who aren't even large enough to be at the farmer's market. I really am. For years I've wanted to live in a small, self-contained community and since I can't move to one--I finally figured out I can build it here. But gads, how self-righteous it can all come streaming out sometimes.

I certainly hope someone slaps me upside my head if I seem like I'm enjoying the smell of my farts too much. Just sayin'.

Things I learned yesterday

2010-01-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

Canning
-Pressure canning is way less scary than I thought it would be. In fact, it is no. big. deal.

-Of course, I'm going to be terrified the first time I open up a jar of vegetable stock. And the first time I open the water bath canned applesuace. And probably every single can I open up.

-I'm excited to do some pressure cooking. Since I have an enormous canner, it looks like I'll be making bulk things and freezing them. This sorta bums me out because I'm really curious about it. You can cook eight (YES EIGHT!) cornish hens in the dang thing. I sadly don't think I'll be able to use it very often since there is only 2 of us. :/ I'd say that I want a smaller pressure cooker because I'm so in love with the fact that beans only take minutes, but I really cannot justify bringing one more thing into the house. :(

-But, look! I did find a recipe for 90 minute no soak beans! Which is good. Because I'm going to be studying for the next few months in the evening. Which means we'll be living on casseroles and stews and such. Big items so I only have to cook twice a week or so.

-I'm going to can up chicken stock today! Huzzah!

Cheese
-Do not start making cheese after 10 pm at night unless you want to stay up until 3 in the morning. Just sayin'.

-While I stayed within 90-100 degrees the entire time I was cooking the curds, it was all over the map. I'm really don't think I did it right. It will take a month before I know. :/ (Which I guess is better than 3-6 months for a traditional cheddar).

-It was so very awesome to get the kind of break in the curds I wanted and to see the curds cooking down. I like making cheese! I really do!

-I need to see if I can just halve the recipes and make 1 lb cheeses. 2 lbs of cheese is a lot of frakin' cheese for us. And since I want to make multiple cheeses, we're potentially drowning in cheese after just 4-5 types. This is ungood. It would be fine if I could give it away and maybe that's what I'll end up doing if I can't figure out how to make smaller batches. I can make sure it is edible and cut the cheese into fourths or halves, re-wax it, and give it away.

-When you have the great idea of making whey ricotta but you don't have another gallon of milk to add to the process and the recipe says, "small amount" and lists 1-2 cups (if you add the milk)--it totally isn't worth making it. I got half a cup out of ricotta of what was left after the farmhouse cheddar. Next time I'll just freeze the whey and use it for making bread. Doh.

Misc.
-After deciding on the name of the farm, I'm back to the drawing board. Absolutely nobody gets the reference of Valley Forge. NO IT IS NOT THE NAME OF A CITY! (I mean, technically--yes, it is. But that isn't the reference) What is wrong with you people?!? Do you not watch 70's sci-fi movies? Huh? Not even good ones?

Anyway, it's from "Silent Running". Sheesh. I'm ashamed of you. Honestly.

So, I'm looking for a name for my little urban-homestead-that-can't-have-chickens-or-goats-or-even-rabbits-and-can't-be-a-true-homestead-until-I-get-some- livestock. Hooking up Radar to a plow may be hilarious, but it doesn't count. (no i did not hook up my dog to a plow. sure, i think about it. what red-blooded farmer wouldn't? but no, i wouldn't. not really. even tho' it would be hilarious. but it wouldn't. honestly.)

I'm an idiot

2010-01-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

I went to make my first batch of Farmhouse cheddar, realized I bought homogenized milk, didn't think I had any calcium chloride, and threw a fit.

Guess what was sitting right on the table next to my other cheese-making supplies?

If you say: Calcium chloride, you win.

sigh

I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight after I can up the vegetable stock.

In other news, I want to learn how to play the fiddle. I'm going to wait until after I recertify as a nurse, but this might be my birthday present to myself next year.

Sublime

2010-01-01T02:09:00.000-08:00

I could write about resolutions for this year, but I never make any. Perhaps I'm lazy. Perhaps I just don't like the pressure. I just find them silly.

I could write a year-in-review, but I do so much navel gazing as it is, that I'd just get bored trying to write a summary. What can I say about 2009? Everything changed. Everything stayed the same. I finally moved out of inaction on things that have been brewing in my head for 20 or more years. This is the year I finally starting becoming the Person I Always Wanted To Be.

I have nothing particularly poetic to say, but I found some writing from the woman who wrote "Made From Scratch" that just blew me away. In fact, if I wanted to talk about what this last year was for me and what next year holds, she has summed it up perfectly. I'll travel deeper in my new lands and be less from around here.

Huzzah!

2009-12-31T12:25:00.000-08:00

Bread
First loaf of bread with hand-cranked, stone-ground, hard red winter wheat berries? SUCCESS! And by "success", I mean an edible loaf of bread--not a fantastic looking loaf. Things I've learned:

-I have a feeling that I'm letting the final rise happen too long. This is the second time that I've made a hearth loaf from the Peter Reinheart book where the loaf seemed to degass a bit severely when I tried to slash the dough. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I'm obviously being too rough or perhaps slashing it too late in the game.

-A tablespoon of vital wheat gluten definitely helped the rise. It was still a very dense bread with very small crumb. From my reading, it looks like this is just the name of the game with true whole wheat bread. I would probably get a bigger crumb if I used a "transitional" loaf (some white flour)

-I need to wash off the bottom of my baking stone. I think some crap on there caused the bottom to burn a bit before the dough was finished.

-I prefer to sweeten the bread with honey rather than brown sugar. It tastes much better with honey.

I'll make a sandwich loaf this weekend for Awesome Husband's lunch. I'm curious to see how it will turn out.

Cheese
Still have been too busy too late at night to get started on the cheesemaking. This is getting ridiculous. :( I wanted to have at least 3 cheeses done this week. It's only Thursday so I still have a bit of time, but gads. :/

Fighting the Man
I'm becoming a member of the Farm-to-Consumer Legal Defense Fund. A very awesome woman whose blog has been a total inspiration to me is setting it up and notified the Seattle Urban Farm Coop about it. (Seriously, I would love to have a cup of coffee with this woman some day. I've been reading her blog for about 6-8 months and I feel like we're walking similar paths, but she is about 200 miles in front of me.)

I'm joining for a number of reasons:
1) I want to support my local, small farmers any way I can
2) I'd like to help to set up a true food coop (no, PCC is not what I mean) in the area where like-minded folks can bulk purchase goods without having to worry about getting shut down.
3) If I ever get competent enough to do something like wanting to sell small-batch raw cheese, I'll need their help/aid.

Food
I made a huge pot of caldo gallego 2 days ago only to find out that Awesome Husband doesn't like white beans.

BUH?!?!? What?!??? How can you not like Cannellini beans?? White beans, a fruity olive oil, fresh herbs and sun-dried tomatoes in various combinations is what I live for. I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you! I can live with the fact that he hates sushi. I can sorta live with the fact that he isn't so much into mushrooms or artichokes or brussel sprouts (although I think he is crazy)--but white beans?!?

To be fair, it has been less than a year since something changed in my taste buds where I started to love all the above foods (except for the sushi. I've always loved the sushi.) . Maybe he just needs to catch up or something. I don't know. I hate making big vats of food that only I eat. Then again, I'm not complaining too much that it is more for me to relish.

Score!
I just found a $15 gift certificate to Home Depot that has been sitting in a drawer for years. That'll definitely cut some costs in buying a shop light for my seed-starting adventures this year.

Garden
Speaking of seed starting, the seed catalogs are starting to roll in.

So far I'm eye-balling:
Dragon Tongue Beans
Verenandon Filet bush bean
Tonda Di Parigi carrots
Lemon cucubmer
Rose Bianca eggplant
Extra Dwarf Pak Choy
Verte d'etampes mache
Certe de Cambrai mache
arugula
Bleu de Solaise Leeks
Brune d'Hiver lettuce
De Moreges braun lettuce
Val D'orges lettuce
Blushed butter oak lettuce
Petit Gris de Rennes melon
Oregon II sugar snap pea
Rosa di Verona a palla radicchio
French Breakfast radishes
Purple plum radishes
Champion A collet Rouge rutabaga
Bloomsdale long standing spinach
Merlo Nero spinach
Costa Romanesco squash
Pattison Panache Jaune et Vert Scallop squash
Ronde de nice sqush ( i know. it's a lot of squash)
Delicata winter sqush
Boule d'or turnip
Cimi di Rapa Broccoli Raab
Tuscan Lacinato kale
Sorrel
Orange chiffon swiss chard

I am kidding myself that I have room for all of this. As you can see, these are all open-pollinated, heirloom seeds. And I think just about none of them are recommended in the Seattle Tilth garden book. I've still got seeds from last year as well. This is just a starting "wish list". I am definitely going to pick up the carrots, melons, cucumber, squash, broccoli raab, and sorrel. I also want to add some marigold, calendula, nasturtium to the mix to bring bees while also being edible.

I'd still love to figure out a place where I can plant raspberries and asparagus. I really wish we owned and didn't rent so I could just overhaul both the front and back yard entirely to "all edible all the time".

Pefection

2009-12-29T10:20:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was one of those totally perfect days for me. Up early listening to Bach while grinding wheat for bread. In fact, I spent most of the day either food shopping or in the kitchen. Put up 6 cans of applesauce and 2 cans of honey orange slices. (Well, 2.5 cans. Something seems to be off in my measurements when I can and I have less than I think I'm going to have). Bought enough food to can up chicken stock, beef stock,and vegetable stock this week. Made a ridiculously tasty north Indian chicken curry and a potato/carrot/pea curry.

Finally went to "Lenny's Produce". It was just like my old grocery haunt on N. Beacon Hill. Yep, you definitely had to dig around and yep, sometimes you gotta just roll with what is there and take a pass on a vegetable you really wanted that just isn't going to work out. $11 gave me all the root vegetables I need to make stock and about 12 lbs of apples--so I'm a very happy girl.

Just started the "envelope method" for keeping our expenses low. It's been an interesting experiment. Started a price book this week as well so I can get a handle of what goes on sale and when. So far it is lookin' like Walgreens has the best sales on non-food stuff and then Lennys and Fred Meyer. Fortunately, all this is just making me consume less so while it is a total pain in the ass to write things down and deal with cash, that pain in the ass is making me a lot more frugal.

The new beds are finally built. It looks (almost) beautiful. I did create a 40' bed on the South fence line. The expanded garden has 1 large L-shaped bed, two 3x3 beds, and one 3x4 bed. I love it. Now if the ground unfreezes and stays dry, I can work it a little more. I've got to put down cardboard on all the walkways and then fill it in with about 2-3 inches of wood chips. I want to keep the grass and weeds away from the beds. I also have to fence those suckers in. I have some old metal fencing that I think I can use on the 40' bed and have the materials for a cruddy black plastic fence for the larger garden. I just need to keep the dang dog out.

In home-made beauty products:

I'm not sure if the baking soda shampoo is doing anything or not. I try to use it only once every couple of days. The suave stuff is so cheap that it is kinda hard to give it up (especially since I picked up some for $1). The suave stuff actually DOES wash my hair/scalp as well so--eh. Still, it's nice not having to shampoo with, uh, shampoo.

I've been using straight coconut oil as my lotion. I already had a large jar for cooking so I've just been using it after showers. My skin is seriously in love. It is not oily as I thought it would be. It's fine. The rough areas on my skin are starting to smooth out. And weirdly enough--my keratosis pilaris is almost gone. Before my wedding, I tried everything to get rid of it--tanning (as that usually helps), retin-A, beta hydroxy acids, different moisturizers, exfoliation, etc, etc. Nothing has ever helped. As of yesterday? No bumps at all. There are still red spots but they are fairly faded. I'm thrilled.

I'm gonna try a coconut oil hair mask this week for a few hours to see what happens. It would be so nice if I could just do a hair mask once a week and use the baking soda twice a week and just rinse my head the rest of the time.

I'm loving my staycation. I haven't been this relaxed in years.

2009-12-25T11:02:00.001-08:00

It is supposed to be clear until Monday, so despite things being cold outside—it is the perfect time to finish Hot Mess Of Dirt That Shall Be Kitchen Garden. I can at least get the boards cut today. Being Christmas, everything is closed so I can’t actually pick up the brakets to put the boards together, but it can be ready to go for tomorrow. Tomorrow I’d love to get the boards together, get the paths created, put up the fence, mulch the whole mess with a ton of compost, and hopefully pick up coffee bean bags to cover everything until spring.

When I’m out picking up the brackets, I’ll pick up lighting to start seed starting indoors this year. I’m still nervous on starting my own tomatoes and peppers, but I might as well just try. I’ll be starting the eggplant, kale, and stuff in early January—so it is getting to be close to time to getting everything together. No dilly-dallying this year, for me.

I’m going to add an additional 40 feet of planting space on the left side of the yard. That’ll get me to 200 square feet of gardening space in the back yard. Still unsure as to how much I’ll grow in the driveway this year. I still think the squash and potatoes should be out of the garden. And perhaps some additional tomato plants. I’m going to need a lot more tomato plants than I originally thought if I’m going to get serious about canning this year.

Speaking of canning, the pressure canner came in. I’m terrified to use it. :/ They did give instructions on how to do a run on it with just using water so you can get comfortable with it. I’m hoping that there will be chicken on sale this week so I am able to get comfortable and batch up chicken stock and vegetable stock this year. I’m hoping to purchase about 100 jars from a fella selling them online for 30 cents a piece. While it is wayyy more than I think I need now (and maybe in the future, although it’s nice to give away food as well)—it’s hard to let them go at that price. Worse case scenario—I make a lot of presents to give away and perhaps sell some for what I bought it to neighbors who also can.

I never got around to making that bread with the wheat I ground myself. I ended up working a whole lot later in the evenings than I planned. It’s been 4 days. I still let everything come out of the fridge and see if I can work with the dough or not. I’m not holding my breath. I’m definitely going to be adding a tablespoon of vial wheat gluten to the loaves in the beginning to hedge my bets. I hear there is about zero oven spring and I’m gonna need all the height I can get.

Today is also the day I measure sunlight hitting the back yard. It’ll be depressing but I’m hoping that the place where I want the additional 40’ bed will get enough sun that I could maybe eek out some greens in a hoop house next year. We’ll see.

le sigh...

2009-12-21T10:23:00.000-08:00

Awesome Husband just emailed me to let me know that everyone at the studio was jealous of his tasty smellin' breakfast this morning. It was just homemade applesauce and baked oatmeal.

Still, I shiver with absolute pleasure that I am feeding him so well that other people are envious. :)

(It is obviously pushing some type of "provider" buttons in my brain pretty hard. le swoon.)

Fighting the Man

2009-12-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

Just this weekend I learned about the Kenmore Milkshed. I have been thrilled that there is a buying club that provides raw cow and goat milk for my cheesmaking as well as getting fresh chickens. While it would be a monthly shlep, I'd be buying directly from the farmer--and that is important to me.

Word just came in, they've shut down:

The organizer generously provided her home as a drop point for people to come and buy direct from local farmers raw milk, goat milk, grains, eggs, meat, and honey and jams. She and her late husband built a little shed beside their house with barely enough room for 4 refrigerators to keep the food in.

On Dec 7 a King County Health Department official along with the City Of Kenmore Compliance Officer visited her house and issued a cease and desist order on the milk shed. There are currently people WATCHING the property to catch people leaving her house in order to both throw her in jail and charge a $250 a day fine from not adhering to the cease and desist order.

This is only the first of many closures to come, from what the Dept. of Health is saying. We were just the first because we are so big and so well known with a website which made it easy for them. They will be visiting all drop points and buying clubs in King County requiring that they have the following in order to continue to operate:

1) Unisex bathrooms
2) A Utility Sink
3) "Proper Sanitation Requirements" (whatever that means)
4) Commercial grade refrigeration units
5) a minimum of a 4-room building
6) a $3,000 + licensing fee to operate as a grocery store.

What does this mean besides the problem for the milkshed? This means that *any* CSA or buying club or drop points in King County delivering to drop points in the city (aka Thundering Hooves, Full Circle Farms) are operating illegally.

This is potentially catastrophic to our local, small farmers. As soon as I know more on how to get involved, I'll post here. These laws *must* be changed. The lobbying groups who are interested in shutting down these farmers (and it doesn't take a genius to realize who is involved) must be stopped.

Support your neighbor. Support your local farmer.

beyond available light

2009-12-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

I picked up Awesome Husband's speedlight tonight to start messing around. I have no idea how to use it. I'm aware of Strobist.com for off-lighting situations and definitely hope to use it as a resource. I'd like to get the basics of using a flash first and it seems like on-camera would be the way to go. Of course, I don't actually know that. I' m just making it up. Right now I feel like I'm back to when I first picked up the camera and just randomly mashed buttons for 6 months. Time to head off to the library to start getting reference materials.

In other camera news, Awesome Husband and I've decided to start going on monthly photo safaris. He hasn't touched his camera at all since we went to China (and he's got a new d-90 with a way better ISO than mine, less noise, MUCH better color straight out of the can---and, well, he has a 3rd generation...I have a first. Can you tell I'm jealous?!?***) Years ago we spent most weekends poking around, taking photographs. It would be nice to have a shared hobby again and to be able to learn from one another.

Speaking of learning, I've got 2 gallons of milk sitting in my fridge just dying to become a nice Farmhouse Cheddar. I came home with them, sterilized my workspace, started to get everything in place--and then realized I wouldn't have enough time. It's about a 4-hour process until I could start pressing the cheese. That isn't a problem. What IS a problem is that the last press takes 12 hours which means that I have to be home from work to free the cheese and let it start drying. Unless I start the process around midnight (says the girl who is up at 5 am)--it just ain't gonna happen in the right time frame. Cheese festivities will have to wait until Friday night.

***I'm mostly jealous because when I think of the photos I took at Jitsulassie's house for her sons' birthday and what a grainy mess it ws and how clean and clear I could have shot because I could actually have the available light and high ISO that I needed--le sigh. Maybe the old man would let me touch his camera during Christmas. I'm not going to hold my breath about it as we are protective of our gear, but I seriously lust after that camera and the ability to shoot so well in such low light.

?

2009-12-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

There is a WSU Basic-Plus Cheesemaking program in the middle of February in Chehalis. It is rather pricey and it is probably one of those things that I need to get a year of mucking about under my belt before I can justify. I'm just thrilled to know that WSU offers Artisan Cheesemaking classes.

I'm actually fairly serious about getting a craft going. I mean, to make money on the side. To do something I'm passionate about. What that looks like---I'm not sure. I'd love to have a tiny cheese and charcurterie shop (or hell, even a cheese and charcuterie stand at a farmer's market)--but it seems unlikely that I'll ever be able to have the space and room to learn how to make things like salami. But, who knows. A girl has got to start somewhere and that "somewhere" is going to be fresh bacon this weekend.

In other news...

So, at age 35--I discovered I have curly hair. Or--really wavy hair. My hair isn't really sure what it wants to be and I'm just trying to let it do it's thang until it can figure it out. The longer it gets, the curlier it does seem (except for the back).

I stopped using shampoo on a daily basis a few months ago. Then I went back. Now, I'm back off the sauce except for on a weekly basis. Starting today I'm taking the plunge and ending this shampoo affair. We're over. Through. Finished. No more. From now on, it's just water and baking soda and hopefully I can wean my hair off of that except for a few times a week.

I haven't divorced myself from conditioner yet. In fact, I don't think I can with my hair. I use Suave Natural conditioner on a daily basis as a co-wash (and often the only thing I use) and use a thicker conditioner once every few days on top of that.

I want to get rid of that stuff as well. In fact, I want to just get rid of all the products I buy and make things myself. This is kind of ridiculous because about 10 years ago I went through this same phase of wanting to make my own bath/beauty products, bought a couple of books, and then just decided not to do it and got rid of everything.

And now here I am again. :/

I think I'm just not that interested in beauty products in general so I never could get myself that excited about stuff. I'm still not interested. What I am interested in is: cheap and affective, letting me do it myself, and getting rid of all that damn stinky product. Seriously. I cannot stand the smells of lotions and hair products. I try not to gag when people are putting on hand lotion in front of me. PEEE!!! YEWWWUUU!!

Anyway, I found out that my hair loves apple-cider rinses and olive oil deep treatments. My face loves honey as a face mask. When my legs get stupidly dry, they love olive oil and powdered milk. My body loves goat milk soap (although that is bought and not made...thus far) So, why the hell am I spending money on products that leave me kinda "meh" when what I have around the house does JUST as good as a job and there aren't any extra chemicals?

Tonight I whipped up a batch of flaxseed gel to see if I can replace the bazillion gels I've been trying to keep my hair where I want it. I'll probably have to mess around with the water ratios. I'm not sure how thick it should be. It looks pretty much like someone horked a big snot into a bottle right now. yum. But, I mean, if it does the trick--it does the trick, snotty or not.

I'd like to find some simple lotions/body butters (preferably that don't have to be in the fridge) and hand balms and hair conditioners that I can do myself. And maybe one day I'll get to the goat milk soaps (gads goat milk soap is luverly. I had no idea soap could be that moisturizing.). I'm pretty pleased that I've at least got the deep conditioning, "shampoo", and hopefully hair gel down.

Next up on tonight's list is making a batch of laundry detergent. Got everything I need. All the laundry is done for this week, so next week I'll if it I honestly need only 2 Tbs of this stuff for a load .That would be pretty dang sweet.

Happy Chewbacca!

2009-12-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

Hanukkah Harry brought me a cheese press yesterday! Huzzah! Now it is all complete and I shall be picking up raw milk tomorrow for the start of my Cheese Emporium. I'll start with a Farmhouse Cheddar and next will be a Monterey Jack. Neither have to age for 6 months or longer and I am one impatient Cheese Eater.

Still coming on the gift list:

-Grinder attachment for kitchenaid
-Food strainer attachment for the kitchenaid
-Sausage stuffer for kitchenaid (I hear it is totally crappy but it was a part of the package deal)
-Hand wheat mill that also has stone burrs so I can grind flax seeds and nut butters. (Yes, I can already can and do grind nut butters in my food processor. I've wanted a wheat mill since I started making bread and while I could pick up an electric mill for almost the same price, I would really prefer to get away from electrical kitchen items as much as possible. It isn't as fast, but really, so what? My arm can use the workout.)
-And I caved and bought a 23 quart pressure canner. It was 33% off and I had a $50 gift certificate and so that means it was a whopping $24.00. You can't beat that price. So, I didn't. And now I'm dreaming of soups and stocks I can put up all winter.

In which I sound like a crazy survivalist or just crazy worrisome or just crazy.

2009-12-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

I do not consider myself a "Doom and Gloom" person. I do consider myself a person who is fairly cautious and always has a "Plan B". Always--work, relationships, money, etc--I have a strong desire (instilled into me from my father) to make sure that I have my bases covered, there is somewhere for me to leap, and I am prepared. (it wasn't that my father was a boy-scout. Maybe he was a boy-scout when he was a lad but it wasn't like he was teaching us survival techniques. It was just important to him that his daughters were independent people who could rely on themselves and make it through this world on their own merit and so I think he worked hard through lecturing us to death about not depending on anyone else (a.k.a. men we were in love with) so that we wouldn't screw ourselves later). Anyway. I've taken that sentiment to heart in a number of different ways and run with it. Mostly that I'd like to do everything by myself and wish I could live and sustain myself by myself somewhere. (Think less like "unibomber" and more like "Amish". )

I spent a number of years in my old neighborhood being involved in the Neighborhood Disaster Response Plan/SNAP. I originally did it because I wanted to get to know my neighbors. I stayed involved because it scared the s*** out of me. It was a brilliant idea for Seattle to have neighborhoods come up with disaster plans beause, honestly, if something terrible would happen--folks are on their own. We worked with the city a lot and other neighborhoods and there is one thing that is going to be absolutely true: In at least the first week after a major disaster, there isn't going to be help for the dead/wounded, for fixing gas leaks, for search and rescue, and no power/water/electricity.

And then New Orleans happened and while my mother-in-law ended up being safe from the initial brunt--her community and the place she loved was demolished. I've been watching her for years fighting to rebuild the neighborhoods and city she loves and the toll it has taken on her and the impact the disaster had on every single aspect of her life.

Then, just last year we had that snow that effectively shut down the city for a week. I'm fortunate enough to live 5 blocks away from 2 major grocery stores. We went in to those stores about 5 days into the snow and it was shocking and scary. Both stores were fundamentally bare.

So, Awesome Husband and I have worked to get some pretty solid disaster plans in place. We now have
"bug out bags" that contain 3 days worth of provisions for both of us and the dog both in our home and his car. We've got a week's supply of water. We definitely have days of food in our home.

It just isn't enough for me anymore. And I think it is less about "survival" and more about being "frugal". I do have some current concerns about the state of our economy in this country and how that is affecting small businesses (like the one my husband is in). We're doing fine at the moment, but there is a slow-down coming and we aren't sure how slow and for how long it is going to be. It could potentially be worrisome.Or not. We just don't know.

Because of that, it has become apparent to me that I am uncomfortable with letting the financial markets and other folks' spending affect our lifestyle. What if one of us becomes unemployed? Or injured? Or even--what if we decide to have offspring and one of us decides to stay home? It suddenly became apparent to me that I want to do as much as I can to make sure that we can weather the life-variables as easily as possible. The things we absolutely need are: shelter and food. We don't own our own home so there isn't a TON I can do there, but I can make sure that if everything goes to hell, we do not have to worry about food.
So, I'm now getting pretty serious about figuring out what we need to have a 3-month supply of food. Not only for emergencies, but if we stock up on certain things that we use all the time when sales are happening--we will naturally be saving money.

I'm starting to come up with lists of things: beans, wheat, sugar, honey, rice, toiletries. I'm still thinking through what we eat on a regular basis (besides fruits and vegetables) that I'd like to have on hand.

I still want a small freezer for the basement so once spring/summer rolls around--I can join a "bulk buying group" and go to U-Pick farms so I can freeze produce.

I'll definitely can some stuff this coming year as well. I really am not into canned vegetables or fruits, but it makes sense to have SOME canned in case power goes out. I still want a pressure canner so I can have soups, stocks, etc, all on hand . Those are so dang pricey and so dang big, I think it only makes sense to search garage sales for it.

Update

2009-12-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

I'm no longer upset about the lack of ability of getting to my fall/winter garden. I haven't done the official survey yet, but last weekend I did check out how much sun the garden plot gets throughout the day in the dead of winter.

Answer: nada.

I may still be able to get by with an early fall garden, but a winter one is right out the door. Ah well.

Speaking of, the garden plot (and any food growing outside of the plot) is now called: Valley Forge Farm. Sure, it is only going to be (at most) about 200 square feet (until I get a patch at the P-patch and then it will be a whopping 300 square feet)--but I want to be a farmer, dagnabit, and so I'm gonna be and you can't stop me.

If you get the reference to the farm, I'll give you...uh, a "high five". While the idea for the name had nothing to do with the total lack of sun for a winter garden, that I do not have sun and therefore cannot grow plants...it makes a tidy little hint

So, since I'm still dealing with giant holes in the ground and it is too cold to go outside to even build the raised beds--I'm doing the other hausfrau thing I love to do: cook.

Just picked up "660 Curries" from the library and I am on a mission to make at least 20 of them before I have to return the book. I'll once again see if I can get off a decent food photo so I can document something here besides text.

I had a lot more to say, but have seemed to have forgotten where I wanted to go with all of this. So...yeah.

2009-11-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

I've recently found out that you can graft multiple stone fruit branches on the same tree. It makes perfect sense. I just hadn't thought about it before. The implications for the urban gardener bowl me over. If we ever get a little place of our own, I will immediately plant a plum/peach/apricot/nectarine tree. What an amazing thing to get 4 different fruits from 1 space.

In other news, I have a job interview on Tuesday. While this should be exciting, I'm just becoming more depressed and despondent--both in fantasizing about getting an offer and not getting an offer. I dread both and I'm not sure which one I dread more. I find it very telling but I'm just not sure what to do about it.

part of a poem and random

2009-11-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

I've had this running through my mind for the last few days. It's part of a larger poem, but only this specific part has been relevant:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

-Max Ehrmann

Now that I have an interview (a way out of my current circumstance), my tolerance for people has hit a new low. Obviously.

It isn't that the prospects are so wonderful to me. It's just another way out. Which takes me back to where I was almost 4 years ago--simply looking for a way out with no real plan, no real passion. I wrote this somewhere else while lamenting about my predicament:

There is simply no way to roll together: medical investigator, working at the CDC, community-based nursing with an emphasis on communicable disease, working in 3rd world countries, working with the under-served, neurological research, bread baker, photographer, chicken momma, farmer, bee keeper, viral biologist, student, sheep herder, pathologist, and small store owner all into one job. There just isn't.

And this is what it all boils down to. I want to many things but none of them with a burning enough passion that it cancels the rest out. It's all just mucking about to gain as much knowledge as possible without really having to put any of it to good use. Not that I don't want to put it to good use, just that at the time I've learned enough to put it to good use--I'm bored with it and want to do something novel.

It's really very hopeless, isn't it?

In other news, I desperately miss training. I've been trying to look around at other places I could go and I'm not finding anything. I wish there was a boxing gym for middle aged ladies up in my hood. I almost caved and thought about re-joining my old place, but my favorite instructor is gone. The other instructors are nice and all, but I'm just sorta partial to him. Maybe because he'd give me this look like, "God, you are so hopeless." often and it just made me want to prove that I wasn't. I loved the boxing instuctor there but I'm quite certain I couldn't train from him in his own studio. I get the sense he only works with real boxers--not wanna-bes.

It's just not as fun punching/kicking a heavy bag by myself.

There is a cross fit joint just about 30 blocks away from me. I ride near it on my way home. I'm thinking about it just because the training is stupid. And by stupid--I mean, I tend to like my workouts with people screaming at me and feeling like I'm going to throw up and pass out. It's a consideration. Maybe if I went there I'd finally be able to do a muscle-up one day.

If I did a muscle-up, I'd be seriously burly. I would probably throw my own panties at myself and pass out in a swoon at just how burly I was.

It's funny. I spent most of my life not being athletic. I still don't consider myself an athlete and I will *never* consider myself athletic because as much as I love it, I just sorta suck at all of it. But for about 10 years now, I've just had to do something physical to feel good about myself. I've noticed tho that I feel especially lost when I don't have an athletic endevour going on--something I'm specifically training hor.. It was triathlons and then roller derby and then weight lifting and then muay thai.... There just always has to be something that I'm pushing. I really haven't been for awhile now and it just increases my feeling of feeling like I'm just sort of floating along, directionless.

dishes

2009-11-12T14:05:00.000-08:00

I finally went through AwesomeHusband's great-grandmother's dishes. The dishes were given to her as a wedding gift in 1900. His mother passed them on to us for our wedding. I'm thrilled with them. Some of it is in perfect condition, some of it is stained and showing severe wear. I don't care. I just think about how many meals over the last 110 years were served on these dishes. I feel connected back to AwesomeHusband's family in a tangible way.

3 of the teacups broke in transit. We only have 6 left. :( Of course, the only thing that there are 12 of is the saucers and the butter pat dishes. We do have at least 6 of everything and mostly 8 to 9 of them. I search ebay and tias.com all the time to see if I can find anything else. Unfortunately, when I do the pattern--it's usually in blue and ours our green and gold. I even registered at Replacements, LTD so if they get any pieces in, they can notify me.

Now that it is unpacked, counted, and I can put them into proper china keepers. I can't bear the thought of only using them once a year or less. They are fantastic. Since I'm slowly trying to become more observant, it seems only fitting that this should also be the Shabbat dinnerware.

In other news, I'm really tired of sorting crap and re-arranging it. The house is a disaster zone. Piles of things to go to the dump. More piles of things to go to the 2nd hand store. Boxes that have never been unpacked (not mine!!). The closets that are done are lookin' fabulous, tho. I am a stellar organizer. I love the end product but this middle part? Eh, I could leave it.

Shoot

2009-11-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

It's been another month since I've posted...hasn't it?

Well, I can tell you that there is a horrible, tarp-covered hot mess of dirt on where the new garden area is supposed to be. We've had more rain this month thus far than what the usual is--so my dirt hasn't been able to dry out enough to keep double digging. I only have a few, short feet left to go. Merde! We're picking up the wood for the raised beds anyway and I'm going to build them out on Saturday. I just can't deal with leaving it like the mess it is all winter.

I've also been researching DIY earthboxes (self-watering containers) for the unused driveway, for the back patio, for maybe even part of the front yard. The downside is that they are mucho unsightly (although I could build wooden boxes around them quite easily to make them less plasticy lookin'.     I've got raspberries and squash and eggplants and lemon cucumbers to grow and I'd like them to just be separate from the back garden.

The winter garden has been totally neglected for about a month. I literally cannot reach it due to the dug up mess. The peas have died before I could get any and I'm sure whatever beans are left as tough and inedible. I may collect the seeds from both, tho. I can't see my chard, but I have a feeling it has given up the ghost as well. I have no idea why chard hates to grow in my garden.   The Chinese cabbage has most likely been eaten by whatever was eating it. I'm not sure if my bok choi is any good.   When I looked last week, the only happy thing was the kale and the merlot lettuce. Not surprising.    I seriously need to pick up some straw if I can find any and just put the dang thing to bed for the year. I really wanted a winter garden but I think my neglect has been too severe. :/

Been cooking quite a bit. I definitely have little talent thus far as a food photographer and so, no photos. I'll keep working on them to post them up. This week I've got pumpkin enchiladas, an eggplant curry, a black bean chili with chipoltes and chocolate, and cornbread on the menu. Oh, and I've got to start making bread weekly for Awesome Husband's lunch.

I'm off work the rest of the week and in the middle of a big "if we ain't using it, we're gettin' rid of it" mindset so all closets in this house are on notice.   There are a few spots in the house (like the tool area/work room/bike parking area) that are underutilized and it is driving me crazy.    Next week I'm planning to actually start decorating my study and putting up the tools I need to sew and craft--like pegboard. I have barely been using my study and I miss screwing around in there.

Good god this is a boring post.

Radio silence

2009-10-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

I just realized it has been a couple of weeks of silence. Life got busy. Classes to attend. Anniversaries to celebrate. The last week I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that someone I loved dearly, someone who I considered my conjoined twin,  passed away.

It wasn't unexpected by any means, but I have refused to believe it would be a reality. The hole that is left by his death is larger and more profound than I have been able to comprehend. The last few months we had sporatic contact because he was so very ill, so I think it is going to take some time for me to really settle into the new reality that my shadow is missing and I won't be able to locate it no matter how hard I look.

In happier and more mundane gardening news...

The double-digging of the new garden site is almost complete. It's a hot mess of mud right now, even with a tarp over the places that still need to be dug. I'm flummoxed as to what to do. Digging up wet clay is the exactly wrong thing to do to make my little patch aerated and fluffy. Maybe I'll tarp the whole mess down tonight to see if I can dry it out a bit.    I really should have started this project months ago, before the rains came. I think I can forget about getting an asparagus bed ready this fall.

I've officially finished the COG class. I'm full of information and wish I could put it all to use RIGHTHISVERYMINUTE. I'm excited to figure out how to collect seeds to plant for the next cycle. It all just makes so much sense as to why I 'd want to harvest the seeds from my own plants instead of buying new seed. I'll be sticking to self-pollinating plants the first year. I know that insect-pollinators aren't so difficult either, but I just worry that my squash plants would be too close together..

I've signed up for a p-patch. It's going to be a 2-3 year wait so I figure I'd sign up now. I'm kicking msyelf that I didn't sign up for the p-patch near where I work about 8-9 years ago when I had the opportunity.    I signed up for the ones around me and am keeping my fingers crossed that I could get a 20'x10' plot instead of a 10'x10'. Still, just an extra 100 square feet of space would almost double what I currently have (or am in the process of having).

In other news, I feel like I'm in some transition period. I'm not sure what it looks like, but I know I've got to get out of several ruts that I am finding myself in with just about every area of my life. I'm not sure what it is all going to look like, if anything. I'm just ready for some major changes.

Lastly, in cooking news...I'm impatiently waiting to get my hands on a copy of "The Artful Vegan" from the library. I am both enthralled by what I've seen about it and terrified.   I know, I know--I need to get more simplistic with my meals and definitely need to get into the habit of cooking something more than once. But! But! But!...it looks so deliciously complex and fussy and I love fussy.   Not for a weeknight, of course, but a dinner party? A sunday dinner? I want fussy and intimidating. Because I'm a masochist.

Look at the name of the dishes:

"Morel Carmalized Onion Rolls with Truffled Beet Salad and Pinot Noir Reduction"
"Cajun Crusted Tempeh with Lemon Dill Caper Sauce and Braised Collards"
"Yuca Black Bean Cakes with Sweet Mango, Mustard, and Habenero Sauce"
"Miso-Broiled Eggplant over Noodle Cakes with Walnut-Miso Sauce and Wasabi Cream"

How can you read that and not think, "Oh dear, I must taste this immediately!"

I know, I know. No more vegan cookbooks, right?!? But if it turns out well, shouldn't I indulge in just one not-for-everyday-use book? (The answer is "yes". I wasn't really asking.)

ALSO

2009-09-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

I have learned tonight that hot peppers are a lost cause 'round here. I can grow them with some success depending on what type of summer we get--but even if they do happen, it is almost impossible to get really good heat in the pepper. What a bummer. :/

Well, I guess there is just stringing up hot peppers from Eastern Washington. I loves me some hot peppers.

In other news, I forgot about the Fail Garden post. I'll definitely take a photo of something tomorrow and post.

My learnings, let me show you to them.

2009-09-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

I feel almost manic after another COG class. I'm bursting with ideas.

I think I'm going to say RIP to "Square Foot Gardening". It isn't a bad system. It makes sense, but I've been a bit overwhelmed my first year with it because I also do think about things like not planting the same family in the same space over and over. Trying to plan 100 squares feels daunting to me. I'm not sure why. I probably have it in my head that each square needs something different.

Anyway, I learned all about fertility and family crop rotation. It makes a whole lot more senese to me now. Still a bit of a pain to figure out, but I tihnk I'm going to divide up my plots a little larger and just do the leaf, root, flower, fruit rotation. I have all winter to figure out how to compose it as how much sun I get throughout the year may be a factor.

The other nice idea about just going with a fertility rotation is that I can do more interplanting. Just say: "OK! This area is all roots!" and then throw in all sorts of different root vegetables, not just one kind. Or, at least I can try it and see what happens. I've seen it in the Tilth garden plots and have been totally blown away with HOW MUCH FOOD I've harvested from 1 3'x6' bed, how close things were planted together, and how enormous it got.

One more thing, I really need to do a map of garden and map out the sun/shade each season. I know the south side unfortunately gets shade from the neighbors house, a mangly tree they have, and a fence. Fine for leaf plants, but I might have to rethink how I do what I do. I'll do the first one around October 15. I'm really curious to see how much might be a lost cause in winter gardening. The sun just stays so low in Seattle.

Still in the middle of new books. I'm kind of getting a bit overwhelmed with information. I really just need a few good resource books because its' all getting muddled in my head. I mean, obviously I'm going to be trying out more of the "Tilth" way of doing things for a bit because I've worked their gardens, I've seen what they can do, it is all specific to where I live--and frankly, it is envy-envoking. I just need to focus on one thing instead of the "more! More! More!" headspace.

Always trying to catch up

2009-09-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

Barely got any work done on the poor half-dug up sod. Part of me wants to say, "Eff it" to the idea of getting in a cover crop this fall and just build the beds and do sheet composting over the existing sod. Of course, I'd still feel like I would need to double dig in the spring because I'm really curious to try to French Intensive methods. :/ That and trying to get enough materials to compost down to 6" beds by spring makes me itchy. That's a LOT of stuff. I figure it would have to be at least 12" high if not closer to 24

In other gardening news, I've pulled up the tomato plants. I have a couple of pounds of green tomatoes ripening in the kitchen window right now. I was hoping to wait until this coming weekend, but the weather took a serious turn for the worse. I harvested Molly the Eggplant as well. I've got about a pound of tiny, thin eggplants from her. Not sure what to do with it yet. Rescued the rainbow pepper plant and am just going to keep it inside for the winter. I'm worried that my lime and lemon tree are going to drown.

Revolution

2009-09-27T01:38:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Eliot Coleman's "The New Organic Grower." I feel like I can only read a few pages at a time because my head gets so filled with ideas that I need to digest. Between that and re-reading John Jeavon's "How to Grow More Vegetables...", my head is exploding. Of course, both books don't deal with the urban, very small plot gardener and are geared more toward market gardeners and larger plots of land.

Still....

I am learning that gardening theory likes to cancel each other out. Just look at Jeavons vs. Coleman on green manure.   I don't find that part frustrating because I'm not trying to find a guru, but it is fascinating to read the pros and cons of both.

And then? Then there is Seattle Tilth.

Today I had my first Saturday 5 hour class and Wednesday was the very first classroom class for the COG. Thus far, I haven't learned a TON, but I have learned. Today I learned what it meant to "chop in" green manure. Since I'm (god willing) going to have the new beds built in the next couple weeks and (even more god willing) get cover crops in, I knew how to plant the crops, but not how or when to chop in the green manure in the spring. I've done it now so I got it. It is much easier than I expected.

My entire thinking is once again getting radically altered. I still have 3 more classroom classes and 2 more Saturdays, but there is a mini-revolution in my brain: How to Close the System.

Of course, I'm still dealing with mega-failures in my own garden and it all has now to do with pest control. I don't have a good grip on understanding bugs vs. fungal vs. bacterial. Knowing what things look like and what I need to do about them is a total mystery to me.   Fortunately, it has been really pounded into my head to use the Titlh Garden Hotline (you can send photos of your problems as well! And also if you are in the area, you can physically stop by!! You can call nationally or email if you want!) the last couple of weeks that I have a resource.    I'm starting to get to know at least 1 person who works the hotline, so that helps me feel better about using the resouce as well. (I have no idea why I'm so adverse to getting help vs. figuring it ou myself, but that is a seperate post).

Anyway, talking to and listening to the instructors today (as well as reading more of Coleman's book), I'm realizing that I'm spending too much money on this right now. Sure, it makes sense because I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm starting to have a much bigger vision: A totally closed loop. I put back in what I take out. I harvest seed for next year crop. The only thing I might add is a bit of extra fertilizer and/or minerals and extra water in the summer.

But, I'm into it. I found out that I can make a passive leaf mold pile for creating my own potting soil . Yes, I have my worm bin but it might not be big enough. It makes sense for me to use our coffee grounds and grass clippings as mulch. I can start scavenging my neighborhood, friends, family, and local businesses for what I need (burlap and coffee hulls from local roasters, brown material if I let friends/family/neighbors know I'll remove it.

I am finally realizing that I can make my own potting soil, my own germinating soil, all the humus I need, most of the fertilizer I need, and most of the plants I need...by myself.    I plant, grow, harvest, feed, in a totally closed system where there is minimal waste and that which I cannot get, I learn how to get for as cheap as possible, if not free (except for my own time and effort).

Being able to execute this successfully is pretty much the porn jackpot of self-sufficiency.

I am impatiently looking forward to really understanding how to harvest seeds for next year crops.

I think I can do this. Eventually.

MINE!

2009-09-24T09:05:00.001-07:00

The Cheese Cave of Doom is miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!! Alll mine!

This calls for cheesemaking next weekend. HUZZAH!

Ah, love

2009-09-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Every time I am around Tilth, I come home and do nothing but sigh and flutter about with love. "Fluttering about" means "screwing around in the garden, making plans, dreaming, sighing, more dreaming, thinking happy thoughts."

Tonight was no exception. It was the first class of COG (comprehensive organic gardening). It was mostly an introduction, but it wasn't just being able to take the class--it's the people. I seem to be enthralled with the people who work at Tilth and the people who support Tilth. My shyness makes that hard to decipher in person, I'm sure, but still...love, love love. Perhaps it is because I am so turned on by the subject at hand, but I don't think that is just it. I think that Tilth has this energy about it that attracts passionate people who love to share that passion and can do it joyfully. There feels like such an abundance with them and the people who staff the vision and the people who are drawn to the vision (look who sounds like a gaia-healing-earth mother now?!?)

I love, love, LOVE hearing people learning things, exploring, sharing, and being absolutely excited about being in a garden. Everyone seems to say the same thing about their garden: There are universes in this tiny plot of earth that I never tire of exploring. It is all in different words, but it comes down to the same thing. All of us are having our minds blown by some little patch of dirt and marvel that this little patch houses so much life and gives us sustenance.

The simplicity and wonder of it and being around others experiencing it never seems to get old.

So, I'm busy trying to figure out what to do with the whopping 105 square feet of gardening space I'll have for the spring. Hopefully by the end of the course, I'll have a better handle on how much I need to plant so I can actually eat from our own supply for a portion of the year. I know 105 square feet isn't enough. It isn't a true accurate amount since there is the herb bed, the strawberry pots, the 10-12 containers. And since my beloved landlord didn't see any issue with me making a larger bed, I might become bold enough to ask to build an asparagus bed this winter too. This also doesn't include the 2-3 potato bags I'll try next year as well as the raspberry containers that Awesome Husband hasn't yet realized he is going to help me build in the driveway. ;). Counting all of that, it might be closer to 150 square feet or more.

Either way, the goal is to actually harvest more for next year. Harvest more and start to figure out what the best tasting veggies varieties there are. I mean, if I'm going to spend the time and effort to grow my own food--I should probably be a snob about what I grow. Ok, not a snob, but if I'm going to spend the time and effort, it takes the same amount of time and effort to grow something that tastes exquisite as it does to grow something bland but reliable. I'd rather take my chances and eat as luscious as possible.

Sigh. It's late. I should be tired. I want to be tired. I AM tired. I'm just once again jazzed up from spending time with Tilth.

Keep your fingers crossed

2009-09-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

Found a 16-bottle capacity Magic Chef wine fridge on sale for $45 (hooray Craigslist). Think good thoughts that nobody has claimed it yet and I can cheaply snag my Cheese Cave of Doom.

Guh

2009-09-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Can I please just get this new gardening area finished within the next week or so? I really just want to make cheese, bread, and crack open the Charcuterie book.

I can tell Fall is happening. Despite it being in the mid-eighties today, all I want to do is stay in the kitchen (aka the Mad Scientist Laboratory) and see what I can create.

I laughed. I cried. I laughed again.

2009-09-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Awesome Husband just sent me the link to this website with the following message:

"There is so much failure on that site that it’s stops being depressing and passes out the other side to sheer awe.

This is the cost of having people with aberrantly high levels of brilliance like Stephen Hawking. There is always another side to the bell curve."

Ugliest Tattoos

2009-09-20T20:34:00.000-07:00

Been awhile since I've updated. I've barely been in my garden the last 2 weeks and it shows. We finally got rain and now my front yard and herb garden are full of weeds. I keep ignoring them although I know it will just make tihngs worse.

The Fall Festival by Seattle Tilth last weekend was amazing. I spent the bulk of the day helping kids make herbal hair wreaths. Everyone ended up looked like a beautiful little woodland fairy.  We were right next to the music, so I got to enjoy ladies singing about worms and ladybugs and this truly amazing trio of 5th graders playing bluegrass, Irish music, etc. They blew my mind. Later that evening, I helped move what seemed to be a billion tables and chairs and had pizza and beer with my fellow volunteers. I haven't had that much fun in a long, long time.

I also realized how painfully shy I've become some time in the last decade. Funny, I vaguely remember myself as an extrovert growing up. I used to not have a lot of anxiety in social situations, but I seem to have some now. I've forgotten how to make small talk, really. I loved volunteering. I still have no problem dealing with strangers on a one-on-one level if I'm helping them out in some way. But just general "getting to know you" with strangers? I suck at it. Badly. I have no idea how to start the conversation when I'm in a group. When I was partnered with a person to help break down, it was easy. When we were all together? I was silent until I got up the nerve to start talking. :/ A little irritating, but I suppose that's who I am these days. I guess I just don't like big groups and prefer to be around 1 to 3 other people at a time.

Garden
Started FINALLY digging up the sod today for the new garden bed. Permission has been granted and life has just been too hectic with previous commitments and now the High Holidays.

Let me just say that digging up extremely thick and tough sod in a very rocky yard is terribly unpleasant. I worked 3 hours today and got maybe 6'x6.5' done. I have 10' x 6.5' feet to go. It might take forever. I might be dead by the time I get it all up. Once that is done, I still have to double dig the area.    The thought that I might get a ground cover in by mid-October seems like a total pipe dream right now and that soil is going to desperately need the green manure for spring planting.

Molly the Eggplant is going to be giving up 2-3 of her fruit for my dinner this week. They are finally getting large enough to harvest.    I've been eating quite a bit of watercress and arugula. I'm picking tomatoes and going to hopefully have a few cans of crushed tomatoes next week. I have been doing a very poooor job of keeping track how much produce I'm pulling out these days. Still not a lot. I'm hoping to do better next year.

I figured out why my chard is looking burned . I think I have a leaf miner problem. I'm going to pull it all up. I got some starts from the Harvest festival that I'll put in for a different spot for fall/winter.

I've got to put down some more copper tape as something (I suspect slugs) is chomping my cabbage, some of the bok choi, and REALLY mauling the brussel sprouts. 2 of them look like swiss cheese at this point, or worse. I really need to get the tomato plants out of the ground so I can just put a row cover over everything.

The peas are already setting pods. The beans are flowering. The parsnips that I tried to start with wet papertowels in a dark room have finally sprouted and I'll be putting them out tomorrow! Same with the extra beans, rutabegas that I planted in the seed starter.   I've got to get them acclimated and out the door really, really soon as well.

Misc
I really need a few more days off work. I would love to spend a week on a big Fall Cleaning and get rid of the stuff that we've needed to purge form the house for awhile now and just do a deep cleaning of everything.

Actually, I'd like to stay at home forever. Let's be honest here.   There is plenty to keep my occupied for a long time between the garden, cooking, sewing, etc. I honestly don't think I'd be bored for quite awhile.   I'm sure I might feel differently if I was in a different job, but really--more and more I feel like I'm spending 8 hours a day doing things I don't want to do and trying to cram everything else in a few hours a night. OTOH, really, how selfish is that??? Awesome Husband would much rather be spending the day writing than working. Just because I tend to gravitate towards the "1950s housewife" doesn't somehow give me a better reason to stay at home.

It isn't an option and not because we couldn't afford it, but beacuse I don't think I could actually not bring in at least a little money into the household and still feel good about myself. I'm just saying, I'd like to stay home, raise food, become an investment wizard and double our savings, have a tidy house, have a glorious dinner on the table, feel well-rested, be present, learn how to stretch a dollar even more than I do, get crafty with reusing things, etc. Seriously focus on embodying that 1950s housewife that I feel so comfortable with. I mean, I'm not the only one in this family who notices a huge difference when I'm not working for a few days vs. when I'm working.   I'm a completely different person when I can focus on the home vs. spending time earning a paycheck.

Just sayin'. That's all.

What I Learned at Tilth Last Week

2009-09-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

Just a simple somthing:

When starting from seed--after planting, put down burlap sacks and wet them as well to help keep the soil moist for germination.

Wish I would have known that earlier in the year.

Yipee!!!!!

2009-09-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

So...I have been busily concerned about how I as going to add an extra bed in front of my current 51 square foot bed. Not so much the bed, but how I was going to fence everything in.

After living here for 2.5 years, I finally realized what that weird square hole in the middle of my back yard was. 16 feet away there is another weird square hole, but there is a 4x4 pounded into it. There is another old 4x4 that is by that pole and we never knew what it was for. Yeah, it took me 2.5 years to realize that the strange hole is where that 4x4 goes and basically, if I put some chicken wire around the outside of the poles and up to the back fence--the space I wanted to use is already enclosed. Duh.

I'll have to start taking photos so the one or two people who read this thing besides me knows what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I spent some time today measuring everything out and I can get a nice U-shaped garden in that area and gain about 64 square feet of vegetable garden. That'll give me about 105 square feet of space. Maybe closer to 110 if I cut down the boards between theoriginal garden space to '1 instead of the current 2'. (It's a 17'x3' foot raised bed that is against the back fence so I added boards every 3' so I could reach the back).

So, half of my worries are already non-worries. I just have to make a commitment to spend a little bit of time every. single. day. to try to double dig out all this space and hopefully get the beds built and the cover crops in by mid October. Yeah, I need to get this done even tho' there is the Harvest Festival, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur filling up most of September.

OTOH, double the space means that we actually might feed ourselves out of the garden next year. Or rather, I have double the room to fail. :)

2009-09-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

I just figured out how to receive email notification of comments on here. I really should have looked at things before I started typing out here. oops.

Tilth
Got to get my hands dirty at Tilth on Saturday. I really, really needed it--both for my own sanity and to excite me about my own (failing) garden. Met a number of lovely, seemingly well-adjusted, grounded folks. Harvested tomatoes, peppers, mustard greens. Tied up fallen tomato plants. Weeded (of course). Prepared a bed for a cover crop and planted.

I'm looking forward to the Harvest Festival next weekend. I've only signed up to be a part of the tear down crew, but I'll see if anyone else needs help this week and sign up for that. I figure I'll be there all day anyway.

Garden
For my own garden, I pulled up the one pathetic red pepper on the one remaining plant. Prepared some open spaces for kale, vit, onions, more chard, and a winter salad blend.

I finally pulled the very pathetic zucchini plant. I completley forgot to take a photo of the monstrosity for the Graden Blogger Death Day at the end of the month. Shucks. There were 5 zucchinis on it--all lookin' malformed and not edible.

I'm wondering if I need to just pull the tomato plants and try to ripen what is left. It's been raining like crazy out here the past few days and extremely cold. I could cover 1 plant with some clear plastic to try and save her, but the rest are tied up against the fence and no way to cover them.

Molly the Eggplant had to be rushed inside so I can try to get just a little more growth out of her. I have a Mahogony Eggplant recipe that I've been impatiently waiting to try out. Or maybe I'll just pluck her goodies today as I'm not sure how much longer she'll be able to thrive with the temperatures plummeting.

Cooking
I feel like I've missed most of summer's bounty this year. I kept waiting for my bushels of food to come into fruition so I kept holding off. This was dumb since I've barely eaten anything out of my fail of a garden. I'm now in a rush to try to get as much corn, tomatoes, basil, summer squash shoved down my gullet until it is gone. Made a gorgeous tomato, basil, mozerella quiche with everything made/grown by me except the butter, flour, eggs, and milk. Still, the cheese and crust were from scratch and the rest came from the garden. It has been terribly difficult not to just sit at the table with the whole pie and eat it until I'm stuffed.

Tonight I'll make a fresh basil marinara sauce, polenta, fresh mozerella and a side salad. Gotta use up the tomatoes the Office Wife gave us.

2009-09-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

My future-step-mother-in-law just gave me like 5 lbs or more of plums. Yes, I want to can. No, I don't like jams or jellies or conserves. I mean, I don't have a problem with any of those. I don't want to punch jams in the face when I see them. I just don't eat jams and jellies.

What ever shall I do with these plums??? Whole canned plums sound kinda nasty and not in the Janet Jackson way. Maybe some type of bar-b-que sauce?

In other "I don't eat this" news, AwesomeHusband has made me come to my senses about buying a 1/4 to 1/8 of a cow. I found a place that would let us purchase 1/8 of a cow and delivers about 5-6 lbs a month so if you don't have a seperate freezer, you don't have to panic. We don't eat that much beef. As much as I like the idea of hording things and how cheap grass fed beef is if you buy a whole share of an animal, we almost never eat beef at home. We eat chicken and fish mostly and these days we aren't even doing much of that.

So, I guess I have to just bite the bullet and pay $8-24/lb for beef when I want it. Yet another dis-incentive to be eating much of it. Ah well.

In garden news, my new girlfriend the lemon tree is flowering again. I'm gob-smacked. I had heard that they only bloom twice a year (but some folks are telling me that they bloom continuously). There are still about 15 lemons growing on her. Allegedly, these can take a year to become fully ripe. I'm bummed. I'm impatient.

The weather is going to be cool. Time to start baking bread again. I've been craving a loaf of whole wheat for days.

Conversation with my husband.

2009-09-01T15:03:00.001-07:00

Me: I can't wait for the day when I can get my raw, unfiltered honey from my own god-durned bees.

Him: What?

Me: Bees. My bee hive.

Him: Is this your newest livestock want this week?

Me: It's not new. Maybe I haven't mentioned it, but bees are a part of the Plan.

Him: I don't know.

Me: GAWD!!! Plenty of people have bees in Ballard!! There are a lot of folks who have their own hives. Why can't I have pet bees too?

Him: GAWD!! Why can't I have a Lock Ness Monster?!? Plenty of people in Scotland have a Lock Ness Monster. Why won't you let me have one?!?

Oh, Seattle-PI, how I love you when you bring me stories like this

2009-09-01T13:56:00.001-07:00

Pantless Kennewick man accused of harassing horse

No. I did not make up that title.

2009-08-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

The canning class was...interesting. There was a cerifiable crazy lady there who took her pants off near the end of class. (I couldn't make this up.) While I have only tried to can one thing a few months ago, I really didn't learn much from that class except that I CAN put up tomatoes in a water bath if I put enough lemon juice in it and don't need a pressure canner.

Which is good because folks are unloading their tomatoes on me since mine never quite took off. Office Wife just gave us a huge bag of tomatoes that I'll hopefully be able to put up in the next few days. I am so ridiculously excited to have canned tomatoes for the winter. I'm hoping to see if there are any heirloom 'maters at the farmers market next week because, hello, that would be sooooo much tastier.

Anyway, it is always comforting to me to realize that I know more than I thought I knew. Canning is a bit scary to me so it was good to find out that I have a handle on how to do it and it isn't as terrifying as I thought it would be.

It was a 4-hour class that lasted over 6 hours. We canned over 200 products. I came home with zucchini pickles, some other pickle-thing, barbeque sauce, peach and almond jam, bruchetta topping (so frakin' good. I'm definitely going to can up a lot of this in the next few weeks. It was absolutely heavenly and I can't wait to give folks a can of summer goodness when February rolls around and everyone is sick of the cold and wet), and corn relish.

I'm having a hard time mentally with these classes. AwesomeHusband knew I was going to have to wrestle with it and is hoping that I can just ignore it. It's the same thing I've ranted about in this journal: dealing with terminal deepness. Or, as in a South Park episode, people in love with the smell of their own farts.

This time it was a one-upsman-ship about how organic everyone is eating and also a contest on who has the most food allergies. So weird. It is natural to talk about food and gardening in a canning class. I mean, we're dealing with food and harvest. But really. We're all here. We all know why we are here--to keep our harvest, to make things ourselves, to know what it is that we are putting into our bodies, to reclaim an art that is often lost in urban areas. Do we really have to go on and on and on about how Super Eco we are??

The best (and least eyerolling) conversation I ended up having was talking to someone about breadbaking and cheesemaking who really is encouraging me to just try the "bread in 5 minutes a day" thing. She had some really good points and I might actually try it out. We were laughing about how easy it is to get all revved up into making the Perfect Loaf of Bread when you read all these books from artisinal masters and how ridiculous it is because, it's just bread, and it doesn't have to take 4 days. We shared failures with one another and it was NICE. it wasn't pretentious. I learned things. I hope I gave her some information too.

I just tell myself that there are little gems in all of this and so I gotta just keep pushing on. Sometimes I wished I lived back in the Midwest and somewhere more rural where all these things are just things that you do and there isn't any snobbery about it. You bake bread. You make jam. You tend to livestock. You sew and you reap.

"You ought to give me wedding rings"

2009-08-28T19:25:00.001-07:00

One of the most delightful parts of my marriage is the flow. There is our base that is always there--he is always my closest friend and the person I most like to stay up too late at night with because we were busy yammering at one another. We definitely have lived in our own little insulated bubble and I never tire of it. But then there are the times when the tide flows back in and I am desperately and deliriously in love with the man.

I was listening to the Robin Pecknold concert and the song "The Book of Love" came on and I broke down and started crying and just feeling that tide rush back in.

It isn't surprising. It is starting to feel like Fall and my best memories of Awesome Husband are braided throughout Fall. We rediscovered one another in fall. We have had some of our most memorable trips and together times in the fall. We got engaged in fall. We got married in the fall. Fall has always been my favorite time of year so it helps that my favorite person is wrapped up in my favorite time.

Now that I think about it, we got engaged almost exactly 3 years ago. No wonder the song touched me so hard.

2009-08-28T18:48:00.001-07:00

It's been hard to write with the family things that are going on. Today is the first day that I haven't cried at least part of the day in about a week and feel a bit human again. This may change tomorrow. We'll perhaps all eventually find our balance in this situation and maybe we'll have to find it again and again.

I don't feel at liberty to say much more than that. I gotta drop the subject as well because it has been so consuming and overwhelming and I want a few minutes to touch on other things in my life and remember those things which I love.

FOODS
The first of these, of course, is food. I need to stop checking out cookbooks from the library because I keep ending up purchasing more and more. I'm working my way through parts of "Eat, Drink, and Be Vegan" and I'm afraid I'll have to purchase that one as well. That brings me up to 3 vegan/vegetarian cookbooks. I gotta stop.

I have to say, I was a little nervous about trying anything from this cookbook because I was totally unenthused by a different cookbook that the author did (I think it was Viva La Vegan). This one? I've gone through about 6 recipies and have really loved all of them.

I gotta admit, except for dinners...I'm now almost 100% vegan and now most dinners are vegetarian. It hasn't been a difficult transition. I just allowed myself to stop thinking of meals in the typical Midwestern-American diet where the meat is the main thing with small sides of fruits and grains . Now that fruits and vegetables are in the center and meat is the side, it just makes my body feel like this makes much more sense. I'm probably eating a lot more nutrient-dense/vitamins that I've been craving.

Speaking of food, the heirloom summer squash and tomatoes and goodies are at the Greenwood Market. I've never had heirloom summer squash so I wasn't sure what to expect. Uh, yeah...I think I'm not going to be growing regular zuchs anymore (that is, if I could ever successfully grow a zucchini). All it needed was a little garlic, olive oil, and basil and it was heavenly.

CLASSES
Tomorrow I take a 4-hour canning class. It won't include pressure canning, which is good since I don't actually have a pressure canner. I'll be making the following:

Bread and Butter Zucchini Pickles
BBQ sauce
Plum Preserves
Pickled Carrot Zucchini Strips
Corn Relish
Tomato Bruschetta

Really, I just care about canning tomatoes. I don't think I'm getting a bumper crop this year, but will be hunting down lots of Roma tomatoes as I really do want to see how much tomato sauce, crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, etc. I can put up for the winter.

Garden
It might be time for me to start lookin' at my tomatoes to try to push them to fruit and bloom. The season is starting to come to a close.

I think that when I pull my zucchini plant, I'll save that space and throw in some garlic. I can't harvest garlic until July, so I might think otherwise in a little while. That space definitely can't be unused. Kale, perhaps?

Molly the eggplant has 6 eggplants on her and is going strong. It looks like I'm going to have to bring her back inside. Unfortunately, she is really, REALLY big for the greenhouse windows.

I absolutely must plant the last of the carrots, parsnips, etc. THIS WEEKEND.

Garden update

2009-08-23T21:02:00.001-07:00

I feel like things are a bit more under control now that I spent some time weeding and inspecting the garden. In happy news, there are 3 peppers on the Anaheim plant. One of them is about 5" long. It just blended in too well with the stem and leaves. So, we might get some Anaheim peppers.

Went to the garden store to buy some anifungal stuff for the zucchini plant. I'm losing the battle with the powdery wilt. Fruit is forming, but it gets kinda groddy lookin' at the ends. The master gardener told me it was a lost cause. I need to just pull it. I'm being stubborn and won't . It keeps growing and flowering and I keep having hope. I'll give myself an early September date to give up hope and figure out what can go in there for fall/winter.

I ended up buying an enormous basil plant at the store. Yeah, the season is almost over and we haven't had nearly enough basil. Most of it stayed stunted. I'll nurse this for another month or so and make as much pesto to freeze as possible. The sad fact is, there is never enough basil for me to ever be satisfied. I really need at least 10 plants or so. I could do without many herbs (gads, I hope not)--but I cannot live without copious amounts of basil, sage, and rosemary. I'm known to run my hands through basil or even better-rosemary--and run my hands through my hair so I can smell it all day.

I also cheated and bought a 4 pack of brussel sprouts. It's too late for me to start it from seed again and while I had just given up on the idea entirely this morning--when I saw them--I knew I just had to do it. It is "Oliver" and the fastest growing--only 85 days until harvest. I'm less bummed about the Rubine sprouts that I wanted to grow from seed. I found out that they aren't as productive as the green sprouts. So, hopefully I might eat some sprouts this winter!

Still need to start some fall seeds. Some of the rutabega, turnips, and carrots haven't come up. Might as well start them in the propagator.

Er...I forgot what else I was going to write.

Off to luxuriate in bath with my new bar of goat's milk soap. I am not the type to buy a tiny bar of soap for $4 and usually wouldn't. I'm making the excuse for THIS bar of soap because, well, it's obvious. It's goat's milk. And I need every reason I can find on WHY I need a pair of goats to have my life fulfilled. Really, AwesomeHusband should use the soap as he's the person cockblocking the fulfillment of my desires about livestock.

2009-08-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't mentioned this before, but John Jeavons is my hero. Honestly. I've been devouring his books lately and I'll probably just end up buying all of them. I love him. I love him so much that if I met him, I might throw my panties at him. Seriously.

AwesomeHusband is very patient with my fangirlness about this man. Seriously. I know I talk about my garden and what I'm eating (or rather, what I'm not eating as it goes). But there is a bigger picture that I'm always attuned to that is way bigger than my just culinary needs. Food is life. I learn not only for my own self-indulgence, but to pass it on.

There is enough land to feed us all. I honestly believe this. We either might not know how, don't have the resources, or have let things get out of control into non-sustainable practices. But I think there is a better way. And I want to learn it and share it.

Food is life.

fail. fail. fail. fail. sigh.

2009-08-22T22:02:00.000-07:00

I've all but neglected the gardens the last week or so between work and the new baby in the family .Haven't even had time to go out and be a farmber at Tilth. :( Tomorrow I'm spending the day weeding, starting seeds, and giving everything a much needed inspection.

I fear something baaaaad is going on with the swiss chard. This is starting to work on my nerve, since the chard after MONTHS of not doing anything (because I wasn't watering and caring properly), suddenly started to look edible. It now looks like it was set on fire. :/

The pole beans are growing like gang-busters and I probably should have made a proper teepee trellis for them and not a 3-stand trellis for 9 plants. :( They probably needed er...9-stands. It's much too late to try to remedy the situation.

The zucchini is being overtaken by powdery milder again. :( We still haven't had 1 frakin' zucc outta it. The one big enough to pull--which I will tomorrow--sorta looks collapsed on itself at the end. Guh. It's still flowering like mad and fruiting. I'll just keep trying to save it, I guess.

The dragon thai pepper plant is like a total bust. I've got 1 little pepper. I should have hundreds by now.

Worst of all...WORST OF ALL...I have a pest in my garden. A major fucking pest and I may re-enact Old Yeller on his ass if he doesn't straighten up.

Who could it be? Well, not AwesomeHusband so it must be--NOTSOAWESOMEDOG.

Part of this is my problem. My genius way of keeping the dog out doesn't actually keep him out due to a number of reasons that I dont' want to get into right now. I kept noticing that my Tiny Tom plant kept missing tomatoes and looked like whole stems were missing. It stopped fruiting and stopped flowering and starting looking smaller. Couldn't figure it out. Thought I was losing my mind and making up that it actually had a lot of 'maters on it.

A week later, guess who I chased out of my garden with 1 of 2 (YES! 2! I only got 2!!) red peppers I have been babying for months? And guess who I caught tonight with an heirloom orange roma in his mouth?

I have been beside myself figuring out why the hell my tomatoes aren't getting fruit. GUESS WHY?!? Because some damn dog keep eating them!

Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, I mean, the garden is still looking spotty but happy . The peas have sprouted. Carrots are up. The "mystery plants" turned out to be gorgeous Merlot lettuce that is almost purple and should be ready to start harvesting in a few weeks. Some parsnips are living. Leeks made a come-back. Anaheim pepper is not fruiting still, but blooming and happy. Rainbow pepper is happy. Molly the eggplant now has 5 tiny fruit on it. The Meyer lemon has kept and is growing about 20 lemons and I just saw some new blooms.

The strawberries are blooming like crazy and we are doling oursevles out a few berries a week. I'll have to buy 2-3 strawberry pots, I think and start filling them up.

I'm itching to start the second bed. Still havent' talked to my father-in-law because of the family crisis happening. Seems just a tad bit rude to start a "Whataboutmeandmyneeeds?!?" conversation when there is serious things happening with our newest family member.

I'm going to do a modified square-foot-garden (or hell, maybe I'll throw it all out and do something else). I'd like to incorporate some French Intensive gardening techniques that I'm currently learning about.

I still dream about 8,000 sqare feet of yard space for chickens and a proper potager. Sure, 5 acres is the most ideal of all--but I could get some of it done with just six to eight thousand square feet. I really could.

Berry

2009-08-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

"Doubtless God could have made a better berry (than the strawberry), but doubtless God never did”

-William Allen Butler

The first 5 strawberries came in to the patch, which we devoured this weekend. Once again, I am stunned at the quality of food at my house compared to the quality of food in a grocery store.

Did you know that properly sun-ripe strawberries do not have a white pith in the middle? They they are a deep, vibrant red all the way through. Did you know that when you cut them up and a sunbeam hits them, it looks like rubies on your plate? They glow.

You know how if you sprinkle sugar on grocery store strawberries and let them sit, they become extremely juicy? No need on the vine-ripened berry. When you slice them, there is juice everywhere. It is difficult not to lick the plate.

And the taste. Oh gads, the taste. We ate the slivers in the smallest bites possible to savor every second of it. Our eyes were closed so that no other sense could take away from the experience. While we were initially sad that we only had a few berries, 2.5 small berries were actually enough to satiate us. We marveled at how little one must eat to gain so much pleasure when the ingredients are perfect.

Until Saturday, I had no idea what a real strawberry tasted like. I've been eating fake strawberries my entire life and thinking that they were one of my favorite fruit. I don't think I can ever go back to the cardboard, bland things that are at the store. I've been ruined. Absolutely ruined. I love it.

Consumers

2009-08-11T19:45:00.001-07:00

We decided a long time ago to get a larger television for our er...television (?)/movie watching/whatever room. Mr. Awesome had a perfectly fine screen when we moved in, but last year, we decided to finish our audio (until we get ridiculously wealthy) system and we decided that THIS year, we'd figure out our visual.

A big-ass sale happened, tho'. And we did research and looked around and fell in love with LED technology. But we resisted. And bought a friggin' 50" plasma instead. On a really good deal, but HELLO! A 50" screen is like only 10" shorter than I am!!

It consumes the room. Consumes it. It did not look this large in the store. It looks massive in the space. A monolith. We should re-enact "2001" every time we walk by it. I'm not joking. I'm embarassed and baffled by it. It is the token of excess. I'm embarassed. I want to cover it up, but it is too large to cover.

And then we watched a Blu-Ray movie on it.

And then I declared, "I'm never, EVER going to a movie theater ever again in my life. God fucking damn."

And then I played a god damn video game on our god damn huge plasma t.v.

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.

I'm never leaving my house. Not ever. Sure, I was introverted before now, but now you can come to my house for booze, music, games, movies, and literature, or you can go fuck yourself. Seriously. It does not get more awesome than my house. I need to figure out how to chill my dog out because my house needs to be THE house where everyone is. Whether you want to cook or talk or listen to music or watch beautiful movies...my house is the house.

I'm angry at my dog and his neurosis because I'd be so freakin' happy to have my house be the central place that was welcoming to everyone. No, not everyone has to love what I love or want what I want or be with me--but I think of so many people I love and how much space we have here to just do whatever we want to do.

I have the thing that I have written about for the last 20 years: a comfy home filled with music, books, films, good food, and love....and I want to make that circle as large as possible and for a ton of people to add to all the things we have so we all end up with more.

I have finally arrived. My dog has not. And my dog seems to be the king of neurosis and strangers . I wish he'd get that strangers just want to love him, pet him, give him treats, and sneak him things from the kitchen--as much as I do. He'd really love it and would most likely be sending out personal ads to have more folks show up.

I totally went off the subject. Basically, I'm just saying that we bought a fucking huge television because we consume and we desperately would love to have different people over to watch movies, play video games, listen to music, cook with us, visit us...but we have a dog who hates everyone except us and is keeping us hostage. :(

Update

2009-08-11T19:05:00.001-07:00

My garden has been less than happy with the change of weather. Molly the Eggplant is fully bloomed, but I may have to just take her inside into the garden windows. Yes, I know eggplants in Seattle is a farce, but I WILL HAVE EGGPLANTS, DAMNIT!

'Maters have basically stopped growing as well. :/

Peas and beans, tho'...happy as can be. I transplanted...er, something today into the area with the old bush beans. I thought it was either the romaine razzle or merlot beacuse of the red leaves, but I've written some things down wrong both in the garden and in the seed starting kit. :/ I guess I'll get what I get.
**************

In interesting (to me) news--the rows that have been covered with the row cover sheets...everything sprouted . Every. Single. Thing. The rows that weren't covered? Hit or miss. I even have a whole square of finicky parsnips ready to go.

Note to self: must get rid of current set up for fence so that everything can have a row cover. It makes a HUGE difference.

I'll replant more parnsips, rutabagas, etc, into the seed starting kit for those that didn't germinate. It won't hurt to have some veggies a bit staggered.

I really need to talk to my father-in-law about building another bed. I've changed my mind yet again. I'm happy with 1 more 16x4 bed in the back if I can also figure out a place to start an asparagus bed. I'm definitely building a raspberry bed in the defunct driveway as well as put 2-3 potato bags for next year. I figure if I only mention 1 large bed and 1 small bed, it won't be as freaky to him. I mean, I'm pretty sure he'll let me do WHATEVER I want, I just don't want to assume.

Speaking of assuming, the Japanese Maple in our front yard that he loves so much? Dying. No saving it. I googled it last week adn it looked like wilt. Had an arborist come out and it is DEFINITELY wilt. :(

This means that there is a very weird area in the front that will be empty. It also means that I can't necessarily plant whatever veggies or whatever I want there because wilt will last in the soil for up to 7 years. :/ I'd personally prefer to plant something that can be food, but I suppose this will be a negotiation.

****

In other news, this weekend is really about relaxing on Saturday (and hanging out at the hospital as much as we can) and to gear up to look after my darling niece all day on Sunday.

Why for?

Because there will be a new family member this Friday. Yep, I will have a second little girl in my family that will one day call me: Most Awesome Auntie Ever To Step Foot On This Planet.

Guess who has been uber-weird about procreation this last couple of weeks? If you guessed "me"--you would be right. Hello, ticking clock. Everything feels so weird in my body these days, that I don't even want to talk about it. I just want to say that I'm sorry I ever had a big mouth about not having a biological clock. Fortunately, it's just pushing really deep buttons in my brain so I'm not obnoxious about it. But gads--that deep, primal urge is fascinating and totally has no basis in reality or consciousness. Yay, lizard brain!

I'm actually looking forward to hanging out with CeeMonster all day. She's going to wear us out, but being around an almost-2-year-old who thinks EVERYTHING is the coolest, most interesting thing she has ever seen?!? Awesome. She has non-stop energy, but there is nothing that is going to bore her, unless we slow down.

We're worried about slowing her down. The child has no "slow" button. I'm not even sure if she has an "off" button. She might have a "have to sleep right now" button, but I think that's it.
I can't wait to get some uninterrupted time with her so I can see who she has become.

Now that my sister-in-law is going into the hospital again, I'm remembering when she had CeeMonster. I know that I used to hate when adults would tell me, "I remember when you were a baby!!"--but I see Cee and I acutely remember when she was about 45 minutes new to this world. It's impossible not to contrast that with who she is today and then try to think about the person she will be 40 years from now. It's so breathtakingly amazing to me.

And I can't help but to laugh thinking about the future--when she is going to roll her eyes at me for remembering when she was just this little bean that could barely open her eyes and marvelling at who she becomes. More than that, I can't wait until she becomes my age and I can rub it all back into her face when she is in wonder and awe about it all with either her or her sister's or her cousin's families. I'll finally feel vindicated in the way my aunts and uncles laugh at me and my cousins now.

Yay. The circle of life. So individual and yet so much the same. I love it most of all. All of it.

Today in the graden

2009-08-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today I transplanted the poc choi, Chinese cabbage, and watercress to the garden. I also started arugula from seed.

I also found out that I planted a square that should have been empty. It, strangely enough, does not have a marker on it. I have absolutely no friggin' idea what the heck is growing in it. The leaves are too small to tell. Did I miscount somewhere? Is it older seeds that never came up originally because I was planting them wrong that are now coming up because they are getting adequate water?

There are, I think, parsnips that are actually coming up. Color me surprised. I also think there migth be some old carrot seeds in one of the squares that is coming up in what is now the parsnip square. I'm going to let it go to see what happens.

In fact, I'm going to let a lot of the squares go to see what happens. I'll pull things that I definitely know are weeds--but if I think it might be a vegetable, I may keep it in the ground for a bit. I was absolutely shocked at how dense Seattle Tilth plants their gardens and how they get really large vegetables even having things so densely planted. I have a sneaking suspicion that I can plant even more tightly than I am right now. I'm also not making the most use out of the space I have available. I can definetly do my succession planting closer together with more overlap.

Part of my new "being fearless" in the garden is just seeing what happens and experimenting more. I need to not go "by the book" so much.

Got the teepee up and the pea trellises. Got the tomatoes slung up a bit more. Am going to get actual structures instead of slinging them up against the fence. They are already too bushy and big this year and absolutely out of control.

We maybe eating those zucchinis before next week. We'll see if I can last.

The strawberries are blooming and forming fruit, finally. I think I'm supposed to trim the suckers back. Not quite sure. I had originally thought that we'd get maybe 5-6 actual berries from 19 plants. They are finally exploding. I'm so glad I waited and plucked the flowers in June . I'll have to see if this is something that needs to happen every year, or just the first year I have them.

One more thing about today's work.

2009-08-01T23:32:00.001-07:00

So, I was partnered up with a gal for about half my time at Tilth. We're talking and laughing and generally having a good time. Someone mentioned that they were a teacher and off for the summer and she said that she was a teacher too. At one point, I asked her what she taught.

Guess what she taught.

No, really. Guess.

If you said, "English" or "5th grade" or "after school piano lessons", you are totally off the mark. The correct answer is: SHAMANISTIC HEALING MODALITIES.

What did I say? Didn't I say this happens all the time? Yes?? Did I not just mention just a few weeks back about those broads who are into healing their inner wounds and saving the planet? Didn't I? And did I not demand to know where all the people who don't drum circle are? And who is the person I was with most of the day? That's right. A woman who loves drum circles and loves healing herself, others, and the earth.

It took every ounce of willpower not to throw myself on the ground and start giggling madly. People are such delightful cliches*. How can you not absolutely love it?

(*And trust me, sister, I'm not immune to fitting my typcasted role to a T--so I ain't just laughin' at everyone else.)

IMMA FARMBER!

2009-08-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm officially in love with being on the work crew at Seattle Tilth. It was so freakin' fun. I spent my time: harvesting carrots and onions, weeding, harvesting plums, cleaning up the fallen plums, washing and packing up produce for Centro De La Raza's soup kitchen, chopping up plants with a machete for the compost pile.

I also discovered that I know a whole lot more than I thought I knew. That was really a surprise. I actually felt competent and able (which I was terrified I was over my head).

I'm ridiculously in love with the garden there. Envious of the space and produce. I learn so much just walking through the place and poking around in the beds.

I finally figured out what it is about gardening that pleases me so much. It's having all my attention and focus on basically 1 foot square of space at a time. I get to really look at inches of ground and discover what is going on. The harder I look, the more there is to see--whether it is a weed just starting to pop up that must come out, discovering bugs and deciding if they are going to be friendly or not, and simply watching each plant on a daily basis to see how it changes and grows. I'm not thinking about anything except what is right in front of me. I'm fully present in a way that I'm not at my job or even around the house. I'm right in the center of Now and completely delighting in it.

I vaguely remember an old Nova program that thrilled me to no end when I was a kid. It was all about different bugs and plants and it felt like you were in an exotic jungle bursting with life and then they pulled the cameras back and the entire thing was shot from someone's backyard or some little patch of grass. It blew my mind back then and now that I have my own little plot, continues to blow my mind.

In my own garden, I sprayed everything down with kelp again. Once again, by this evening I am stunned by Molly the Eggplant. This plant is so freakin' happy that I can't breathe when I look at it. She is definitely flowering now and getting ready to explode with a ton of eggplants. It's simply a waiting game. There are at least 12 clusters of 5-6 buds each of soon-to-be-fruit.

And my zucchini? The one I gave up on and almost pulled 2 weeks ago? In about a week or so, we'll have our first harvest of 2-3 zucchini. With more and more on the way. They are about 2-3 inches now.

Hiding underneath some leaves, I found my first ripe paste tomato. Unfortunately, it is over-ripe at this point and has a mushy area. :/ I hadn't been looking too closely because we just don't get tomatoes in July/early August really. The hot weather is definitely working it's magic.

Tomorrow is all about re-trellising the tomatoes that are now out of control, making a tee-pee for the beans, and putting in the trellesing for the peas. All which I forgot to do BEFORE I freakin' planted them. ooops. I've also got to either pot up or put out the pocy choi and chinese cabbage. They are outgrowing their digs. And I think I see the brussel sprouts actually sprouting. (yippie!!!)

Stars so low they tangle in your hair

2009-07-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

We didn't leave town again this weekend. We've been trying to leave for a month. I blame the dog, who must come with us or cost us another $40/day.

I find comfort in not being the only one who aches for the road. The only difference is that I feel connected to my plants and hate to be without them for days. If it wasn't for that and the damn dog, we'd most likely be gone more this summer.

We need to figure out how to leave him for the weekend at somewhere less traumatic than a typical kennel. Our options are really limited traveling with the pooch and we have to plan ahead (and we hate planning road trips until we are actually in the car and driving),.

I'm always talking about the desert these days. I'm not the only one. There are so many places in Nevada that we haven't seen (amazingly enough). So many backroads to scream down where we see nobody for hours. And what about Utah? We barely touched Utah. And the whole East Coast. And I'd even drive all through the desolate Dekotas. I don't care.

I think this is coming up because we were talking about some of the stranger trips we've been on and missing the experience. Really, we started just talking about almost every trip. I wish I would have kept a recording of our travels. There was always that one town that wasn't on the map that you would run into and everything got surreal. I wish I had more than just memories. I do have some photographs, but it just isn't the same.

I think we miss who we used to be. We are still those people, just mired down in responsibilities.

Do we save money to travel the world or just our borders? We talk of different places in the world and then of places within our continent and always unsure. We could spend decades just exploring North America and never scratch the surface.

As one of our guides in China told us, it's almost easier to want the surface experience of a lot of different places instead of how we like to travel. We get in trouble because we'd like to explore every millimeter of where we are at rather than the "highlights". Everyone has seen the highlights. There are a bazillion photos and stories of those places. But what is underneath the surface? Even just a millimeter down? That's where we are. Just a fraction of an inch down.

Eh, that does it. I'm going to spend my hard earned money into boarding the pooch and me and my favorite travelin' companion are going to do as best we know how--pick a direction and drive for hours. Look at a map and find a name of a town that sounds interesting and see what they are up to.

We need this. For us on an individual basis and for us. Until the wedding, I would tell you that our definition is "we travel". And we do. And we gotta do it again. To the coast. To the desert. Anywhere. Nowhere.

Wormie the Worms

2009-07-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

There is something delightfully creepy and yet entrancing listening to my worms...er, doing their worm thing. It's amazingly loud and...er, squishy, sounding. I absolutely love it. The dog doesn't know what to do with himself when he hears and sees my worm farm. He's always got to inspect it with me, but he's always kinda fraked.

I thought I would have the bin outside in the spring and summer. Weirdly enough, it is STILL in my study. And there is ZERO odor. Zero. It can smell a bit earthy when I take off the lid--and maybe it is a bit earthy smelling anyway (but who knows when you are in a basement what is the bin and what is the house). Either way, there is nothing I feel is unpleasant. I really thought that was some bullshit PR hippie thing when they said wormbins don't stink. Actually, they are totally right. It is amazing.

I honestly feel a weird connection with my worms. I'm now weirdly connected to most earthworms since I started vermicomposting. I tend to rescue any earthworm I see in the middle of an asphalt parking lot after a lot of rain beacuse I'm worried s/he won't make it back to safety. I've even been a few minutes late to work beacuse I'm busy relocating earthworms on the way.

I haven'tused any of the compost yet. I'm not really quite sure when it is ready. I should probably tap it to see if there is any worm tea (I have a spigot on the bottom of my worm tower.). The plants will love it.

I'm jealous of the lady I bought the worms from. She's a SAHM who is now making quite a killing just selling worm bins and worms. I wish I had thought of it (and I wish I could figure out a way to steal her business). If you are raising livestock, worms are pretty much the easiest thing you could do (unless you wanted to be a plankton farmer or something). I honestly can't think of another "farming" job that required almost absolutely no work. The lady is pulling in almost $50,000/year on worm farming. That is absolutely ridiculous.

I seethe with envy. I gotta figure out an angle.

Until then, I'm just going to watch Wormie and reap the benefits and feed them the best stuff I can grow/eat. It's my tiny way of permaculture, I guess. I'm fairly attached to the little guys/girls at this point. They help me to really understand-on a viceral level--lifecycles..(How is that for hippie speak?!?)

I love watching life live. I can't explain that sentence anymore than what it is. Life lives. It sounds trite and stupid and it really isn't, but there is no way to parse it down in a way that doesn't sound trite and stupid. I don't care. There are universes in that statement.

And I love to observe the violent being of becoming. It gives me hope. Not hope that everything will turn out the way I want. Not hope in a better future. Just the desire that life lives, that existence happens--for no other reason or purpose than that it simply does and that there is no stopping it.

I suppose, if I summed up my spiritual/religious beliefs...there you go.

And that is why I love what I love.

oh gads, it's weather! and stuff. always stuff.

2009-07-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

And hot at that. The only things thriving at Casa Awesome are me and Molly the Eggplant. Everyone and everything else is just kinda laying around lookin' half dead. I'm watering every day and patting my husband and my dog on the head.

The seeds I planted are MUCHO HAPPIOSO. Everything except that damn finicky parsnip-diva-seeds are up. In the propogator, everything is up excet: the Vit (have plenty of time to try again(, the brussel sprouts (bummer), and the Merlot lettuce (which can take up to 21 days to germinate but I really think SOMETHING would have happened by now. I'll try again). In fact, things are so popping up, that the beans have grown about 6" in a week and I absolutely must transplant the poc choi either directly into the garden this weekend or in bigger pots . The Chinese cabbage has its first 2 true leaves, so into pots (or directly into the garden? hmmm???) it goes as well.

I am now out in the garden 3x/day during the weekday. Now that I have the watering and the feeding down, I'm amazed how much things change in 12 hours. Now that I actually have things sprouting from seed, I'm desperately in love with this teeny plot and the surrounding containers. I can't stay away from it. I dream about my garden almost every night and think about it all day.

*********************************************************************

Mostly, I think of expansion. I'm asking my father-in-law if I can expand and build two 18x3 beds and fence the whole thing in. That'll give me 150 square feet of growing space for next spring.

This 150 square feet doesn't include 2 blueberry bushes (which I may expand), 1 lime tree, 1 lemon tree in containers as well as the 7 other containers that I grow food in , the 2-3 potato bins that I want to start in spring, the herb/strawberry garden on the side of the house, or the half-barrel I'm planning to buy to grown rasberries in. That functionally gives me most likely more than 200 square feet.

I'm kind of terrified to build 2 more beds instead of just 1. It seems like a whole helluva lot. I'm not doubling---I'm tripling (I have one 17x3 right now, but have only 41' of plantable space instead of 51' so I can have boards on the ground to reach the back foot.) I keep telling myself that I could actually have room to grow garlic and onions this way and maybe some flowers (more for pest control than to look at). I could even get corn for next year and enough produce to actually can/freeze for the winter (which is the goal). Still, it's tripling. And I've had a non-productive yield this year (yes! i know! my first time! winging it! but still...) so it's hard to think about having a triple-shitty yield next year.

OTOH, my impulse is (like my impulse ALWAYS is): In for a penny, in for a pound. Let's just do this and see what happens. Why start small and reasonable when I can get neurotic and freak the fuck out of myself?!? " Exactly", I say. And so I have another conversation just like every other conversation I have with myself in which I get in over my head.

************************************************************************

I have, of course ,been spending my time reading about farming and trying to learn about permaculture. It has been frustrating and disappointing. I feel like I'm just living in the wrong part of the country. I mean, not only can I not afford even 1 whole acre of land--there are too many friggin' hippies around here that need self-validating.

I've learned this lesson as soon as I moved out here. I mean, I moved to be with a bunch of hippies--basically. Techno hippies, but still hippies. But, you know, I just can't stand it. Just like I couldn't stand it within months of moving here. Which is why the reason I moved here basically broke down (and had been in it's final death-throws for months before I showed up)

There is so many things that are similar. We both want to "opt out". We both want to be self-sufficient, tread lightly, live simply--but...guh. I mean, really--take a bath, get a job, read a newspaper, be functional. Put down the pipe. Just for a minute. It didn't happen in the 1960s. It isn't happening today.

Where the hell are all the wanna-be farmers who just want to get dirty and learn things and be self-reliant because it is fun to be self-sufficient? You know, you people who don't have to fucking talk about healing Gaia and the Goddess Energy and Crystal Healing and the Evils of the Man?!? Where are you?!? Do you exist? Do you exist without drum circles and dancing around like you think you are a fairy or wood nymph or garden gnome or whatever?!? Are there people who believe in permaculture who also like to swill bourbon and cuss and be inappropriate at times?

Where are you people who raise chickens simply because chickens are friggin' hilarious and as a bonus--they give you eggs? Sure, you know exactly how they were raised and you want them to have a nice chicken life and they can eat bugs you don't want and fertilize the bajeesus outta yer yard. YES! that IS important--but damn, chickens sure are funny and dumb and it's delightful to watch them and you can't stop laughing when you see them? Are you there?

Where are you people who want to be living a simple life and yet not be so"terminally deep"? Do you exist? Is there any of you who can do it because it just makes sense and you are willing to share without being preachy and annoying about it? Do you gotta preach to the choir? Can't we just encourage each other without one-upsman ship?

I just can't stand it. There has to be people like me and I can never find them--except for the dude who is selling me my Thanksgiving Turkey THAT I AM KILLING AND DRESSING MYSELF** But there has to be more than that dude. I just have to deal with so many bullshit people to find that diamond in the rough.

I think AwesomeHusband is just bidding his time until I do my usual birdie, "hey lookie! A shiny thing!" self and go on to other things. He, unfortunately, doesn't know that this is all a part of the Big Game Plan. Sure, it morphs and changes...but if you've ever looked back into everything I've dabbled in...it isn't a surprise at all.

*****************************************************************

Speaking of finding people, Saturday is my first day (from 10-1) on the work crew for Seattle Tilth. I can't wait. I hope people are nice . Every time I think about Saturday, something opens up in my chest and I feel calm.

I'm nervous. I'm extremely shy, I guess. I don't know why I was such an extrovert until I turned into an adult, but the older I get--the more shy I get. Maybe what I really mean is not that I hope people are nice, but that I hope that I'm not too shy and meet some nice people.

We're just pruning and prepraing beds for fall crops, but I'm sure I'm going to learn a lot.

******************************************************************

** I am not sure if I mentioned it in this blog or not, but I've got a date to slaughter and process a turkey for Thanksgiving this year. My er...uh...future step-mother-in-law (modern relationships are so complicated. I have no idea how to formally relate her to me, so maybe I'll have to get a nickname for her as well.) wants to come with me to watch and help. While I'm terrified to actually do it myself anyway--I'm not sure if having her with me increases my anxiety or decreases it. I mean, she's absolutely AWESOME in the way she is just like me in the "Huh--I wonder what that is like. Let's do it." frame-of-mind that I'm in. OTOH, I feel some sort of performance anxiety. :)

Today just keeps getting better

2009-07-23T13:41:00.001-07:00

I got into the Comprehensive Organic Gardening class!

The volunteer coordinator at Seattle Tilth just made me a part of the Late Season Crew even tho' they were full and already started!

YIPEEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh. Hell. To the Yes.

2009-07-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

Scored us tickets to see the Butthole Surfers in October. I'm about to explode with happiness.

Funnily enough, we were JUST talking about the Surfers this weekend and how essential they were to who we had become. Randomly as we didn't even know that they were coming to concert, but were wishing that they were.

For me, It was a lost summer when I was barely 14 years-old, the summer before I went to high school, and started hanging around college boys who completely blew my mind open. My age of becoming. Becoming what, I don't know. But things took a serious left turn from then on. That summer I stopped wanting to be a preppy cheerleader and got exposed to the Butthole Surfers, Lydia Lunch, William S. Burroughs, Skinny Puppy, William Faulkner, Robot Alchemic Drive, The Cramps, and some of the strangest stuff I had ever seen. Including spending the night with the Flaming Lips because the college boys opened for them and sat around watching them watch the snow on the television all night.

The Surfers completely unhinged me. Not just the music. I was first introduced by a video of a concert they did. Interspersed was an interview with the Surfers in bed.

This is what I saw.

How does a girl who wanted to be a cheerleader, was considered "preppy", hung around all the other cheer-leaders-to-be and listened to pop music even deal with this? And what you are seeing is not even how weird it got. People throwing up and other people eating it with turkey basters. You know. Like you do.

Awesome Husband was listening to the same things, except he got to go to the Surfer's Locust Abortion Technician concert. He said it was the weirdest, most intense show he ever saw and is disappointed he no longer has the concert t-shirt.

So, this is a long, long, loooooong time coming for me and a trip down memory lane for Awesome Husband.

I don't expect them to be who they were in the 1980s or even the early 1990s. I just want to see whatever they are now.

Elixir of life

2009-07-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

I can't believe what is happening to the garden after I sprayed everything down with kelp on Sunday. It is a different garden. My hot peppers that never set fruit are now setting fruit and flowering. The zucchini plant that I almost decided to pull on Sunday but decided to give it one last chance for a week--4 new blooms on it this morning (it was mostly dead on Sunday)and I swear it has gotten almost twice as big in a few days and ridiculously lush. The eggplant looks like it is about to flower when I figure nothing would happen. The tomatoes have seemed to go absolutely crazy. 5 days ago, I thought I would have only 5 strawberries out of 19 plants. 2 plants had flowers. This morning, almost every plant has a cluster of flowers.

I can't believe it. I suddenly feel a glimmer of hope that we will actually have produce.

In seed starting news, half of what I put in the seedstarting kit has come up. I'm not worried. I mean, it can take quite awhile for some of the lettuces to germinate. I'm just not sure what to do if I have to pop out some of cabbage and poc choi before the lettuce comes up. I guess I'll worry about that when I need to worry about it.

Amazingly, the turnips are sprouting in the garden. From now on, I will always use a row cover in the garden. I'm going to have to really figure out a plan on how to keep the dog out so I dont' have to wall off each 2 foot section on 3-sides so I can just put down 1 row cover over the whole thing. Right now I have little squares cut out for each square that I'm trying to start something from seed. There really is not reason not to just keep the cover on most/all of the time or for at least significant portions of time. It seems to work wonders for starting from seed, keeping moisture in, and keeping pests out.

I'm so happy. It's been such a frustrating experience for the last 4 months--trying to mentally will my garden into production and failing at every step. We're having a rare spring/summer with high temperatures and little rain where you can acutally grow a LOT of food,,,so it's been doubly frustrating. I might not get another summer like this for YEARS.

Now that things are starting to look a little more healthy and happy, I feel more healthy and happy. I know not everything is going to work out, but I feel like I've been missing the best thing about growing food--that awe and wonderment of watching seeds become plants. Watching how things change every single day. Observing life.

I've sent in my money and form for the Comprehenisve Organic Gardening class this fall. Please keep your fingers crossed that it isn't totally full and I get a space!

growth spurts

2009-07-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

The mini poc choi and chinese cabbage that I planted in seedstarting kit on Saturday late afternoon is already sprouting. BUH?!? I'm freakin' amazed. Heck, I might get in two more plantings of each of these since they are ready to harvest in about 40 days. ! Holy cow!

I know that I'm not supposed to start the rest of my fall garden indoors (parsnips, rutabaga, turnips, carrots) indoors. But, you know, I just might try it out anyway. I planted a ton of parsnips and I've read enough to know that they are the Little Jerks of the garden and can take up to 6 weeks to sprout--if they decide they actually WANT to sprout. Might as well start a handful of them in the propagator once the pac choi comes out. I'll also try to "damp papertowel" method with them as well. I love parsnips and since 3 squares are dedicated to them, It'd be nice to have SOME.

Not only that, but I need to get more efficient in my mushing. Trying something half-heartedly and then waiting for months to see if it works...doesn't work for me. If I divorce my emotions from the experiment and keep it in perspective---I'll learn more that way and ensure that I have a greater crop yield sooner rather than later. I'm much too emotional about it all right now.
I gotta stop and just do some scattershot approaches to growing food to see what sticks.

Speaking of growth spurts, I'm not sure if it is watering the holy hell outta the plants on Saturday and Sunday or spraying everything down with a diluted kelp solution, but my anaheim pepper and my tomatoes looked like they amlmost doubled in size between last night and this evening. Still no fruit on the anaheim pepper or the thai dragon. I may have stressed them too much. :( Fortunately the rainbow pepper plant IS fruiting so I won't be totally without hot peppers this year. I may just get some more pots and do all peppers in their own container rather than the garden beds. Each sweet pepper plant still only has 1 green pepper on it and I'm thinking I'm not going to see either one of them redden up. :/ I had zero peppers last year, so I guess it might be progress. Really, if I can only get 1-2 fruit per plant, I wonder if it is really worth it. Right now, any learning experience is worth it, but at some point-- a cost-analysis should be done.

I'm thinking about starting a patch of garlic somewhere. And maybe a bed of asparagus. I know we won't be able to eat the asparagus for a few years, but we very well may still be here a couple years from now. I keep not doing things because I think, "I'm renting". But I rented my last place almost 10 years and I might do the same thing here. Or we might eventually buy it. Or not, and we'd eventually potentially get some money out of it anyway since my father-iin-law owns the property. Or, if he sells it, it is a selling point and it is still money back into the family. Any way you look at it, it isn't like I'm throwing money away. Hell, I have put so much work into a house that isn't mine ANYWAY--that it is no big deal to put down some asparagus. Or raspberries ;)

Speaking of cost analysis (where garlic totally doesn't fit in because it is way cheaper to buy the amount I need than to grow my own), I've decided that I'm definitely going to try my hand at potatoes next year. Just a couple of bags with a couple of different types. It's more of an experiment than anything else. I'm curious to know how they grow. We don't eat a lot of potatoes. I don't think of them very often. But if I grew them, I'd eat them. I absolutely LOOOOVE them. And although I'm scared of them (starchy carbs), I need to get over my starchy carb freak-out. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I eat what I grow. And I'm certainly not going to prepare them in some ridiculous fashion. I'm tired of my food phobias. I'd eat them more if I grew them more. Potatoes are good fuel, quite frankly.

In other "growth spurt" news, I got the OK from the Penis-side of the family to take the Comprehensive Organic Gardener program this late September/October. (I'm not sure if I wrote about it here or my other blog. I don't actually have to ask for permission, it's just that I didn't want to have a weekend full of garden class and Mr. Awesome decide to go away for our anniversary). The check is in the mail tonight so all I gotta do is wait for acceptance. Basically, it's 6 weeks of classroom and hands-on experience of: building soil, planning and crop rotation, organic pest and disease control, water conservation, and seed saving.

One of my plans is to have SOME proficiency in this and square foot gardening. It is actually possible to get some type of b.s. (meaning bullshit, not bachelor of science in case you didn't get that) certification in square foot gardening. I'd really like to have in a couple of years some type of merging between everything I learn and then teach classes at Seattle Tilth about square foot gardening as another way of doing biointensive gardens in urban settings. I'd love to see how much I could maximize a small space and see how much I could grow on it so I could help set up apartment buildings, etc. with ways to grow at least a little bit of food in their backyard or rooftop.

So, baby steps. For me. For my garden. For my brain. For my ideas. For my poc choi. We'll all get there, I hope. One way or another.

Much love!

2009-07-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

I want to make out with this woman. She is so right on here in her blog.

I just gotta re-type part of it so I can keep it on here so I can remember what she said. Every time I read it, I get crazy happy and want to go charge out into the yard and change my world. I hate feeling like I'm plagerizing her by copying her words here, but damn it, I want everyone to hear this over and over and over.

"Want "bold reform"? I got your bold reform right here. Opt out. Individual American households need to opt out of Big Ag.

Plant a garden, grow what you can, preserve what you can. Keep a few chickens. Join or start a community garden. Ask your neighborhood mom and pop store to buy local, seasonal produce and regional foods. Stop going to the big box grocery store. Join a co-op. Buy a cow share. Go to your local farmer's market, and get to know your local farmers. Learn to eat seasonally, and learn to cook from real, whole ingredients, not pre-mixed boxes of corporate crap with who-knows-what mixed into them. Stop reading diet books; listen to your body and the traditions of your region, climate, and culture. Only eat food that your great-grandmother would recognize as food. Reprogram your brain to know this simple truth- cooking is not drudgery; cooking is health and love and life.

Reform will happen one tomato plant, one back yard, one community garden, and one local farmer at a time.

more garden

2009-07-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

Got all the lettuces/cabbages planted in the seed propogating thingy and direct seeded the root vegetables. It took a lot, LOT longer than I expected.

Just need to get in the spinach, scallions, and radishes a little later once there is room for them. Although, if they could be happy with it--I might see what I can companion plant around the peppers and tomatoes right now. The spinach is going to have to wait, but everything else might work.

I'm about 6 weeks late on starting the brussel sprouts. I really hope that I can get a crop out of them since I found out last winter that I actually LIKE them when I don't try to boil them from a frozen state. Actually, I just want to grown them because I've seen photos and they are the absolute silliest things I've seen. How can you not giggle when you see THIS growing in your yard?!?

As always, I'm nervous about putting small seeds directly in the ground. I did manage to remember to water the soil beforehand, pat the seeds down afterwards, and water some more. Now I just gotta remember to water everything like crazy.

Speaking of watering like crazy--I've been having this feeling that I'm not watering enough. My pepper plants are always looking like they want to wilt. Things are growing very, very slow. My chard is still looking like a baby.

I started digging out the soil after the first watering for the new seeds. I was amazed? appalled? surprised? guilty? at how much water I felt like I was putting down and how little it actually permeated the surface.

Ooops.

I have been a bad, bad vegetable mama. I have been forcing my food to pretend that it is growing in the desert. eesh. Plants honestly don't need so much...some soil, sun, and water. I'm absolutely failing on giving them 1/3 of their basic needs. :(

I also JUST LEARNED that the peat moss that is 1/3 of my bed and about 1/3 of ALL of my containers needs a "holy hell lot of water" at first. ("Holy hell" is my new version of a "metric shit ton". Which means that I dont' actually know how much it is, but it is far and beyond more than I can imagine). Come to find out that I have done it all wrong. This is from some garden blog about square foot gardens:

Peat moss is incredibly hydrophobic the first time you get it wet. It's almost like the stuff is coated in the same oil on duck's feathers and it can take a couple good hours of soaking a 4'x4' bed before the water has really permeated all the way through it for that first initial soaking. Especially when you consider the water retention capabilities of the vermiculite itself.

Did you see that? Did you see the words "hydrophobic" and "couple good hours" and "4x4"?
Ladies and gentleman, I think I've ran the hose no more than a few minutes on each square (until this afternoon) both before planting and during planting on my 17'x'3 bed.

I gotta say, as much as I like the "Square Food Gardening" book, it really is starting to piss me off. There was like ZERO mention of this. I mean, according to Mel--you only need a cup of warm water lovingly poured from your hand for each plant like once a week because his formula is so damn awesome. I figured out about a month ago that my poor little plants needed a LOT more than that--but jeebus h!! Dumb things down all you want, but don't tell me wrong THINGS. I've spent too much doing this crap and worrying and feeling crappy and not eating food I'm not growing when all you gotta say is, "Beanhead, you better water that bed a holy helluva lot when you first put it in!"

Thanks for nothing, Mel. Really.

I absolutely have to buy fish and seeweed fertilizer tomorrow. This also may be a real problem as to why nothing wants to flourish. Despite putting down the awesome sauce compost, it IS new dirt. I should help it along a bit. I learned THAT tonight as well trolling gardening websites for square foot gardens.

Really, Mel, you aren't getting a lot of love from me right now, ok? I'm happy to play by the rules, but you gotta tell 'em to me.

Got more wormies so hopefully I can just put down worm castings and worm tea instead of fish and seaweed eventually.

Anyway, I'd like to give much love to the internetz right now. If it wasn't for instant information at my fingertips, I'd spend years screwing this up instead of seasons.

Fall/Winter Garden

2009-07-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's time to get those seeds in the ground. I'll admit, it feels weird putting in cabbage in mid-July when we've been having an extraordinarily hot/dry summer so far--but thems the breaks.
I've figured out how much to actually grow (and I'm filling up each square this fall/winter) and will be hurting my brain this morning trying to figure out exactly what goes where. I mean ,the tomatoes and peppers aren't going to be done for a long time, so it is kinda confusing on how to plant around them. Perhaps I just do kales and lettuces there. I don't really know.

Here is what/how many I'm planting:

Vit: 4 plants
Kale: 2 plants
Spinach: 9 plants
Romaine: 9 or 18 plants (most likely just 9)
Merlot lettuce: 4 plants
Bok choi: 12 plants
Chinese cabbage: 2 plants
Arugula: 3-4 plants
Watercress: 3-4 plants
Snap peas: 26 plants
Pole beans: 10-12 plants
Bush beans: 18 plants
Carrots: At least 36 plants
Turnips: 27 plants
Rutabaga: 12 plants
Parsnip: 48 plants
Brussel sprout: 2 plants
Scallions: 32 plants (at a minimum. Will probably also grow around slow growing crops and in herb garden. Will re-sew all fall/winter)
Radishes: 32 plants (same as scallions. Will re-sew all fall/winter)
Carrots: 48 plants

It's hard looking at my list because I think, "Gads! We will be in food all winter!". It's only because I'm full of wishful thinking that nothing ever fails or goes bad in a garden. I'll consider it a success if 50% of what I plant, I can actually eat.

Still--it all looks really impressive on paper right now. It is potentially a LOT of food for 41 square feet of space. I'm actually chomping on the bit to do the next 10x4 or 15x4 bed. We could actually start canning/freezing a lot more next year.

I'm hoping to pick up a drip system in the next week or 2 for the garden. I hate hand watering. I'm terrible at it. I can't get the hang of it. I'd much rather not have to do the work of shelpping the can back and forth from the kitchen.

I'm also going to be tearing down the chicken wire boxes that currently go over each 3 foot square. I want to keep floating row covers over the beds and it makes it a lot more difficult with those covers. I'll have to think of SOMETHING to keep the dog out. Just not sure what it is yet. :/

Baking, cooking, whatever

2009-07-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

In terms of the Midwest, what we are dealing with weather-wise where I live is actually: Mid Spring. For a person who has lived in Seattle for her adult life? I'm friggin' DYING. Where the hell is the airc-onditioning? Why the hell can I only open 1 window in the living room of my house that actually has like 5 windows?!? (Don't ask. I think some crazy, previous owner thought it would be a great idea to basically CEMENT (no i am not being dramatic) the windows closed for insulation instead of, you know, dealing with the real problem of why things get cold in this house is because the damn fireplace did not have a damn flue built in it in the early 1920s. Idiot.)

Anyway, I haven't written about cooking or baking or keeping up with the Bread Baker's Challenge because I don't want to turn on my oven for any reason at all for the last 2 months or so. Anything except fresh, raw vegetables has sounded fairly revolting to me.

My father and I just talked about it last week. We were both commenting about how easy it is to lose weight in the summer because cooked, warm food sounds so naaaaaaaasty. Sticking my head into various food bins at farmers markets?!? Absolutely delightful. that's about as far as it goes in the cooking/baking department. Everything except fresh, raw produce sounds too heavy and blech.

So, that's what I'm doing. Cleaning out the freezer for Mr. Awesome's meals and eating raw vegetables for myself.

After talking to my Dad, there DOES seem to be some type of "biological wisdom" in it (for whatever crazy talk that is worth). In winter I absolutely DO crave root vegetables, and slow-cooked meats, potatoes, breads that take days to make. Heavy, warm, comforting foods when everything is dark and wet.

No rain and long days?!? I want nothing more than to pick things right off the plant, if I can. Spend all day grazing on raw fruits and vegetables. No meal times. Just a cherry or pea pods and lettuce here and there while I work outside. And it absolutely feels like a taking in of things that I crave at the moment because I know I wont' have them for a long, long time if I try to grow it myself. High summer is a time for decadence with so many plants of various colors growing. I'm at my own little buffet table with my head straight up and my mouth open...just trying to devour what the sun is bringing to me. No wonder I have nothing to bring to the dinner table. I try to weed my gardnen and end up eating everything in it.

Every day I become the hippie that I'm fighting against.

I should learn to accept this.

Career

2009-07-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

I'm emotionally exhausted thinking about changing careers again.

Some things have happened in the last week or so (and most dramatically--yesterday and today) that has pushed my mild discontent at work into the Line-Has-Been-Crossed-Not-Doing-It-Anymore Zone. Really, it's time. My husband says it is time. Even my father who I barely speak to and don't say anything to says it's time (for different reasons. Mostly because I can't go anywhere in this job).

I haven't wanted it to be time because I don't have a Plan B. I mean, this job was SUPPOSED to give me space to figure out a Plan B, but then the whole wedding and figuring out how to live with someone else/be a wife, blah, blah, blah just sorta took up bandwidth for quite a bit. And then I just got complacent and in a rut.

I've been here 3.5 years. It is time to go and I have no plan. Or fighting a plan. I don't know. Where to? I'm not sure. But last night and this morning, although I have been fighting it for various reasons...it all comes back to going back into nursing. I have the most opportunity there. Everyone knows this except me. I can't seem to let go of being furious about leaving the profession to fuck around for 13 years and then having to start all over again. Do you know where I could be by now if I had just knocked it off?!? guh.

The thought of having to take all those classes again and being with other student nurses (because god bless them, at least in St. Louis--most of them were mouth breathers) makes me shudder. The ridiculous papers you have to write and the professors who all needed to justify their PhD's in nursing theory (oh god oh god oh god) will be very difficult to deal with. I had a serious problem the first time around with the nonsense.

Anyway. So, I started looking into programs this morning and into a few other things (like clinical trials) and trying to set up some informational meetings with folks here. At lunch, a woman sat down behind me and started to talk to some other woman about going into nursing school, being a nurse and becoming a nurse practioner. It reminded me about the things I did love about being a nurse and you know, nursing actually did fulfill my desire to help others/do good in the world/do my part in alleviating suffering. And I did get to teach people and I did get to see lifecycles. And a whole bunch of other things that I honestly did like and did feel good.I know I don't really believe in these things--but I can't tell you how much this lady felt like a messager from god/the universe/whatever who was talking directly to me. I couldn't even unplug from her and read my book. I just listened to everything she had to say.

AwesomeHusband asked me what I wanted to do and I just said, "You know--I'd like something that was mildly interesting and let me work 40 hours a week."

How is that for a career?!? Mildly interesting???

It's true. As much as I'd love to say that I'm my father's child--the whole idea of "career as main focus" has been revolting for as long as I remember. I mean, one of the main reasons I CHOSE to go into nursing was because I could have shift-work and not bring my work home.

I am not young enough, not boobie enough, not blonde enough, not ditzy enough, not tall enought, and not pretty enough to be a trophy wife. (Besides having a father and step-mother who made us sing songs about not depending on a man for anything. That is in last place right now because the list above isn't fulfilled. I'm just sayin' if I was a tall, leggy, hot blonde--I wouldnt' be the trophy wife because I can't stand not to earn my own keep.)

I am frustrated that my job can't be "Professional Musher" where I can just dabble at various things without actually gaining any competence in any of it. Just do what strikes my fancy for the moment. If I had artistic ability, I could at least tell some story about how I'm an artist going through a crisis so support my wanking...or whatever those folks do. I can't even do that.

I just need to rob a bank or win the lottery (although I suppose you have to actually BUY a ticket to win) or find some long-lost billionare old relative to buddy up with who will give me his/her lifesavings.

I find it mildly amusing that I have traded places with my sister, except in some weird time-warp, freaky-friday sense. When she was 2-3 years old and you would ask her what she would like to be when she grew up, she would say, "I want to be a farmer." I can't believe that I thought that was the dumbest thing to say 30 years ago, but right now--that would be my answer.

Damn your good ideas, duckie.

Getting Involved

2009-07-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

I went to the orientation last night to become a volunteer at Seattle Tilth. On the down-side, the late season garden crew is all filled up. On the plus side, they did take me very seriously and are going to see where they can fit me in for the Garden Intern Crew. They are hoping to expand some times/days for the intern crew to work on evenings and weekends.

Right now, I don't really care. What I care about is meeting people, getting involved, etc. I figure the more I get myself out there--the more opporunities will be available to me when people get to know me. And really, as long as I'm out in the gardens with them--I'm going to learn SOMETHING. Maybe not formally, but I will learn each and every time.

It was interesting. There were only 3 of us there for the orientation. They said some months it is only a few people, other months it is up to 40 folks. We had to talk about what we were interested in and, you know, there is always that one broad. You know what I'm talking about. The one when they ask, "What are you interested in?" (meaning--what type of stuff do you want to do here, not wank all over everyone) she goes on a 10 minute tangent about how she is an artist, her life-crisis at the moment, and goes on and on about some magical ideal she has about what she is going to get from the volunteer experience which always includes something about healing herself. Really, she is just saying, "I'm doing this because I've ran through my current friends and so I need new people to people validate meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Validate me!!!! I'm going to be high-maintenence and an emotional vampire! Feeeeeed meeeee!"

There is always at least one of them and it never, ever changes. As soon as she said, "....and I'm an artist", I thought "oh boy. Here we go." And we totally did. And it was like it always is with these people.

Too bad I didn't have a High Maintenance Bingo Card because she would have hit all the points. meh.

For me, I just said that I wanted my hands dirty, wanted to learn as much as I could so that I could then teach others. I would happily do grunt work. Because I am. I just don't care what I'm doing right now with them. I'd just like to get connected and start to travel deeper into my own self-sufficiency and the self-sufficiency of my community.

Later on talking to folks one-on-one I talked about sustainability, urband agriculture, my real interest in wanting to be in a place where I could teach economically disadvantaged folks in the city how to grow and store their own fresh produce and help build little neighborhood vegetable gardens for communities that didn't have fresh vegetables available.

That's when I learned about Marra Farm. And I gasped in utter delight. Not only Marra Farm, there is a ton of stuff related to making sure that there are fresh fruits and vegetables available to folks. I'm astonished that it has all been right under my nose forever and I had absolutely no idea.

I also learned that I can donate fresh fruits and vegetables from my garden to the food banks. This makes me crazy happy, especially since there is a food bank within walking distance. As of last night, I made the executive decision that at least 1 square of each/any raised bed (i do square foot gardening) I build or have built will be soley for growing food for the food bank. Most likely it'll be leaf-lettuces, callions, bush beans or something that I can hopefully harvest a fair amount of and be not so worried about crop failure . I'll have to see if they'll take fresh herbs as well.

Oh, for f*cks sake. Can I divorce myself?

2009-07-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

Can I just sit in the corner with the Dunce's cap on my head?!? Can I? How about just getting it all over with and receiving the "Worst Vegetable Gardener Of the Year".

I have screwed up SO MANY THINGS this spring and summer that I just want to punch myself in the head. They are all such obvious things and now that I know--I feel like such a dolt. Like my poor leeks that I didn't realize until a week or two ago needed to be divided individually. They are finally springing back--but not without having a lot of the green leaves totally burnt off because I obviously can't figure out how to freakin' water properly.

And now? You know what it is now? Now I've figured out why I'm not having ANY success planting from directly sowing seeds into the ground. It's a seed, yes? Yes. You put it in the dirt and a little water and...voila! a plant, right? I mean, nature does that all the time. It can't be rocket science.

But it is obviously rocket science because I have been doing it totally and completely wrong. Yes. Completely and utterly wrong. Planting seeds. Me. Doing it. Or, rather, not doing it.

Here is a checklist of how to plant seeds and I will list out whether I followed it or not:

1) Have dirt check
2) Have seeds check
3) Make sure temperature is right to start seed check

SO FAR SO GOOD, RIGHT?!?

4) Wet down bed before planting seeds nope
5) Wet down a few times to really get the soil wet nope
6) For tiny seeds, just plant it on top of the soil nope
7) Lightly rake dirt over tiny seeds with your finger nope
8) Lightly pat down the bed with your hand to decrease air space
so the water can actually reach the seed nope
9) Keep the bed moist by watering daily/twice a day until sprout nope
10) Maybe put a row cover on top of the bed to keep moisture in nope

As you can see, I got down the dirt and the seeds and that's about as far as I went with it. I guess I should just be thrilled that I knew that you had to have seeds to plant instead of thinking the magical vegetable fairies just put them in there for you.

I hate myself right now. I really do. We could be swimming in carrots and lettuces and spinach right now.

I learned all of this and a ridiculous amount of information on my Winter Garden class today. It was the most informative 2 hours of this whole gardening process. It was amazing and fantastic and I totally can't wait to get out to my garden tomorrow and start trying to plant again.

Floating row covers are going to be my new BFF from now on and as soon as I get the poor zucchini plant cured of the white fungus/mold growing on it's leaves because I've been a jerk to it and watering the leaves.

I can't belive I started this process absolutely sure we'd be eating like kings this year out of my garden. Really, we'd be dead from starvation at this point and it is all boneheaded.

In happier news, I'm so blown away by Seattle Tilth and the class I just was in that I've just now signed up as a volunteer and will hopefully be going to an orientation on Tuesday.

I even said that I was interested in the Master Soil Builder/Composter program. I'd be surprised if I actually got into that one. I'd have to go to 6 sessions of education and then be required to teach outreach classes for at least 40 hours for the rest of the year. I'd be happy to, actually.

The last part is...eh. There is a Comprehensive Organic Food Gardener Program that I've been dying to join. I just found out that they are having the program again September 27-Oct 13. There are 4 evening classes for a couple of hours and 3 all day classes/hands-on on Saturdays. The bummer is that 2 of the Saturdays occur before and after our anniversary...which falls smack in the middle of the week. :(

Awesome Husband isn't happy about it, but he also knows that I really want this training and can't get it again until Spring.

I feel like a jerk because I'm happy to celebrate the anniversary a week late if we want to get out of town. I hate that I seem to be lacking any romantic bone in my body. Or, at least that my romantic bones resembles anything remotely "normal". The second anniversary seems a bit early for me to want to go running off to do something else instead. sigh...

I feel terribly selfish and I'm not sure how this is going to be resolved without someone being mad. I should try come up with at least a fabulous alternative that would make us both happy. eesh. This totally blows. I want this class so bad.

Just seein' if this works

2009-07-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

Online garden planner and design. I may start blogging my stuff over there instead. Or not. I don't know. It has the things that I want to keep track of much better. This is allegedly what my gardens look like. To scale, but it isn't laid out like this as the herb garden is at the side of the house and stuff.

Sense of scale

2009-07-02T16:56:00.002-07:00

I keep trying to find something that shows the sense of scale for my micro tomato plant. Once I start picking fruit, maybe it will make more sense.

I mean, this could either be a 3" platic dinosaur...which would make the ripe tomato very tiny. Or it could very well be a 300 foot real live dinosaur and it's really like a 40 foot Giant Killer Tomato and the biologist thought it would be heee-larious to name it "Microtom". You know, like how in gangster movies, the guy who is as big as a gorilla with no neck and fists the size of hams is always called "Tiny".

What is growing in my garden today? (aka I actually, finally took a few photos)

2009-07-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

(So, it looks like Blogger does not like medium sized photos if they are horizontal. If you are really interested, you can click the link and it will take you to flickr where you can get much larger versions. But really, it is just snapshots of my garden so while it does look better larger--this isn't like art or anything. )

I love these photos simply because it makes my garden look a lot more lush than it really is. Seeing the whole thing, it's kinda pathetic. But up close? Magic is happening. Not enough magic that I wouldn't starve to death if I had to subsist on what I'm growing, but enough magic for me not to throw in the towel completely.

Zucchini is beginning to bloom:

My new girlfriend, Ms. Meyer lemon. She had buds EVERYWHERE and a lot of flowers. She smells absolutely divine. I'm looking forward to bringing her inside this winter so her fragrance can fill the house.

I've found 3 developing lemons on her so-far (I've already named one lemon "re-re". Re-re is an inch long and very thin and already yellow. I think Ms. Meyers will abort poor Re-re:

The string beans are starting to develop. They are tiny and so thin right now:

Chives are growing strong:

The sweet million cherry tomato is prolific. Bazillions of flowers and starting to set fruit. Last year this plant was amazing for me as well. I'm hoping all goes well again:

The peas aren't really doing that great anymore and they weren't doing great before then. I've had whatever the total opposite of a "bumper crop" is. Like I've eating 4 peas pods this year. They haven't even made it back to the house. Just devoured on-site. They are still filling out--despite the temperature:

I take mini-breaks for water and to pick treats off the cherry tree. I can't get over how brilliantly red the cherries are this year. I don't remember them being this red last year, but maybe I just don't remember. Or maybe the tree needed a hot, dry summer to really shine.

When they change from blinding red to a deep, almost black--they are in their prime. I'm ready to talk to my father-in-law about ways to prune this tree back next year (it goes above the roofline) so that we can harvest more cherries next year. I'm absolutley addicted to them. The difference between a cherry right off the tree and a cherry from the supermarket is astounding. They aren't even close to the same thing. In fact, they are so different that I will now be calling the supermarket version: Alleged Fruit Formerly Known As Cherries.

Memories of Michael Jackson As Seen Through the Eyes of My Sister

2009-06-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

This is the entire email thread between me and my sister today. My sister is in italics.

"So, I was already bored with the Michael Jackson nostalgia hullabaloo by Friday (I'm a jerk, whatever). However, my one fond memory is of you in hysterics, holding up a portable tape recorder up to the (one) tv speaker to record the audio of the infamous Pepsi commercial. Good times."

I do not remember that.I think you are lying.

How do you not remember that??Do you remember sending Mike an invitation to your birthday party?

What?!? No I don't remember sending him an invitation to my birthday party.

I think you might be suppressing the 80s. Yes, you did both.
P.S. He didn't show up to your party

2009-06-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

My alternator light came on in my car and it's making a really not happy sound. I'm taking it in this afternoon, and I'm wondering if this is it for the poor little beastie. My car is worth absolutely nothing in trade-in. Zero. Zilch. Nada. It's low-milage given it's age, but it burns oil like crazy and Saturns are just crappy cars. So, it's always a question on whether or not to put the money into the beast. I put MAYBE 5,000 miles on it a year and this was before I bought a bike and me wanting to commit to driving much, much less. We have a car. I techinically do not need a car. I have a bike. I have public transportation. I really can use Nathaniel's car if I need to haul stuff.

That being said, I feel very panicky and anxious thinking about giving up the car. VERY. I've never been carless since I first got my licensce at 16. I'm terrified to give up having a car. It makes me feel dependent and unable to be self-reliant(although having the bike does mitigate a little bit of that feeling).

All I can honestly think is: How I can I flee if I don't have a car? WTF? Flee what? Where? Why? Unless an earthquake happens or we get bombed...I can't imagine I'd have to flee. I'm terrified that if Nathaniel's car breaks down, then I won't be able to rescue him or let him use my car. It isn't like we couldn't get by and without much hassle, but in my head--it feels dangerous and scary. (and nonsensical because it is pure emotion).

Thinking about not having a car is really tweaking my "always have a backup plan that I can instantly go to" mindset and it is absolutely making my stomach churn and freaking me out. I was really hoping to spend this summer mostly car-less so I could ease into the mental transition of eventually not having my car. I knew the car was eventually going to not make sense financially, but I wanted to feel a little more secure in...uh, I don't know. Whatever intangible thing I needed to feel secure in...before I let it go.I sound terribly spoiled right now. Waah. I might not have a car. Poor me :/ It really isn't a big deal, it just is twinging some internal dark place that I probably need to root out.

woah. cool permaculture idea.

2009-06-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of having little intensive eco-systems to feed myself and my family. I love how having different living things can work symbiotically to make less work for me and less waste. Like the nice lady I met this weekend who has her goats, chickens, and vegetable garden all working together.

First, there is something like this Farm in a Box. where the fish provide nutrients to your vegetables and, in return, the vegetables remove extra nitrogen in the water for the fishies.

If you want to take it to the next logical step (gads this is so cool), you can create a Portable Farmwhich basically works on a much larger scale and instead of little goldfish, you also have your very own fish farm and large vegetable garden.

It's brilliant.

Garden Update

2009-06-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

GStill riding high from the Ballard Edible Eating Tour yesterday. I spent all today working on the garden.

* Decided to just give up on the broccoli. The two other plants were about to bloom with the main head of broccoli being about 1/4 of a cup of actual food. It has been shading all of my other plants that actually need some sun now, so it's time to go. I kept 1 in just for an expirement

* Found out last night that the 6-pack of leeks that I planted earlier weren't a six-pack. I should have actually seperated each individual leek. Which I didn't do . My 6-pack held over 100 leeks. Yanked up all the poor guys and carefully seperated them. 100 leeks is wayyyy too many--especially since I'm the only one in the family who eats them. I settled on doing 4 squares of leeks. That's still 36 leeks. Hopefully that means I'll be eating them all fall/winter if I didn't just stress them too much by diging them up and dividing them.

* My thai pepper plant is looking very stressed. :( I'm not sure what is wrong with it. I may not be watering it enough, is the only thing I can think of. Leaves are yellowing and dropping off. There aren't any more at the nursery, but if it looks like it might be a goner, I'll pick up another hot pepper (althought that might not be necessary with the chili I just bought. I just sorta want the huge yield a thai pepper plant will give me) and maybe a medium-hot plant.

*Finally mulched the herb garden. Wish I would have done it years ago. Hopefully it'll keep the weeds down, keep the moisture in, and add much needed nutrients to the soil when it breaks down

*Bought the connectors I need for the 2nd raised bed on the side of the fence that currently doesn't exist. It's just a big pile of dirt right now. I plan to build the bed this weekend. While I would love to plant in it this year, I think I'l just worry about amending the soil and give it a cover crop this winter.

*From seed, planted more carrots, radishes, arugula, watercress, and trying again for some summer spinach

*From starts, I planted: 1 zucchini, 1 eggplant, 1 Bolivian Rainbow chili, 6 chard, 1 Thai basil

*Making final plans for the winter garden. Ordered seeds and seed starting gear (no lights or heat mat. Just these nifty self-watering containers for seeds and for starts.)

I'm loving that I now have a mini-container garden happening. I hope to actually take some photos of what I'm doing next week. I have some original photos of how I set up the garden when it was still empty. It's still not full now--there are probably 7-8 squares that are bare. I'll be planting those up sooner or later with more radishe, carrots and leafy greens.