tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996401759217151872024-03-13T03:19:07.791-07:00...may my heart always be open to little birdsJojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.comBlogger158125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-73904725702951154132012-08-27T00:49:00.000-07:002012-08-27T00:49:13.512-07:00Why I do thisThere is always a moment. Every time I visit. <br />
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Sometimes it is just a moment where I can feel the present moment stretching out for an eternity in front of me and an eternity behind me, and I'm just right here sitting with someone in the middle of it. It has always been like this. It will always be like this. Here we are. It lasts an eternity. It lasts mere seconds. It snaps away as quickly and mysteriously as it arrives. But oh, that moment.<br />
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Sometimes a word is said or some small gesture, and my heart breaks open and this emotions fills me and runs through me. How can I love this stranger so impossibly much? How could I not? Who knew that you could feel this intensely for another human who is not a part of your "family"? To experience the fullness of this other human being in whatever state they are in and to stand in awe of the perfectness of their existence.<br />
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Four hours a week seems such a small amount of time in the big picture. But what can happen in those 4 hours is such good work. <br />
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It has been 4 weeks. I do not know how many more weeks I have with this family. Last week it seemed like it could be months. This week, I left wondering if I would see them again. This family who was labeled as "challenging!" is so full of ease and is a source of respite for me. Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-39845957707287479372012-08-21T23:27:00.000-07:002012-08-21T23:27:26.538-07:00hospice storiesI was sitting on the deck watching the light hit the lake and the hummingbirds and sweat bees feeding on sugar water while my patient dozed off. I could faintly hear the sound of a tenor singing inside. I stepped into the living room--there stood my patient's husband, transfixed in front of the television.<br />
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"Mario Lanza. Oh, his voice. So beautiful. I love this aria," I said.<br />
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"He died so young. Why did he die so young? I always cry when I hear him. I don't know why. I just cry."<br />
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And so we stood there for an eternity. Listening to Mario Lanza with tears streaming down our faces. Because it was so beautiful. Because we were all young once. Because death is on its way.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-51392576386759941852012-07-03T02:52:00.001-07:002012-07-03T02:52:25.388-07:00alsoSo, I have this friend. And he isn't maybe even my friend although I hope to know his girl better (and maybe be her friend. or not. I don't know. I just like these people). <br />
<br />
I can't figure him out. I don't want to figure him out. Sometimes I think "Shit, dude. I can't get down with your nonsense.". Other times I think "right on and keep on keepin' on". And either way??? That's all just me. Agreeing with him, disagreeing with him--all my projection and has nothing to do with him.<br />
<br />
I've never met anyone like him. I don't know wtf his agenda is. Maybe he doesn't have one. Maybe it is easier for me to believe he has one. But sometimes I want to dap him. Sometimes I want to smash his face and wash his mouth out with soap. And you know what? I love it both ways about him. The shit I like and the shit I don't. He's just him. In his entirety. And he isn't consistent and he can hold conflicting ideas in his head and regardless of my politics, that is a thing to be admired. <br />
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A bit ago I was telling another one of my pals about him. And she didn't get it. She said, "why don't you just delete him from your FB when he posts stuff you don't like?"<br />
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And I said to her what I'd say to him or his girl. "Why would I? I want to hear what he thinks, even if I disagree?<br />
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And then I went on talking about this dude. And he is a dude that on one hand, is a total stranger to me. On the other hand? I trust him completely. Without reservation. There is a small, almost non-existent group of people that I trust like him and his girl. But I do with both of them. Without reservation.<br />
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And like I told this 3rd party: "When you know that someone has your back, it doesn't matter what their politics are or if you like the same music or arts or if you can even share interests. None of that matters. When the shit gets real, I absolutely know they have my back. I have theirs. It doesn't need to be tested. It is. They are part of my tribe."<br />
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If I could offer a word of advice, it is this: the people who truly would have your back are few and far between. When you find those people, do not let them slip away. Even if outward appearances don't make it so obvious. Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-40048349957873601072012-07-03T01:59:00.000-07:002012-07-03T01:59:06.783-07:00I've been thinking about a woman I met this weekend who got her pilot's license simply because flying terrified her. I hope I run into her again because I'd love to get to know her better. I was thinking tonight about how much I admired her, even how envious I was of her.<br />
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And then it finally hit me. "that was me". Not really because I haven't had anything so intense like a fear of flying to overcome. But event jus 6-8 years ago, I was a much more daredevil person than I am now. And I miss her. I think of her a little bit when I think of my goal of sky-diving when I turn 40, but really I have nothing between now and then. I lived my whole life before becoming yoked as one big dare to myself. And now I dare nothing and just work, sleep, mush, repeat. I barely remember the girl who says, "ah, fuggitt--why not??" And yet, I have been that girl for better or worse for most of my life. And not in such a healthy/good way either but that is for a different venue.<br />
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I obviously don't like myself much these days.<br />
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I see glimpses of her, but I sort of divorced her. I don't know why. Like there was no more room for the girl who just started to just jump into things she was ill-suited for once I got hitched. And she was still sort of new to me. She only came on the scene a couple of years before I coupled up. I liked her. She sucked at stuff but she didn't give a fuck and just kept doing it poorly and still kept doing it because 'why not'? . It was awesome.<br />
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I'm not the only one who has noticed this, I'm sure. Awesome Husband is most likely much more aware than I am. I mean, there is a reason he married me. ". And after a decade of living in our little bubble, I'm sure he sees me more clearly than myself. So, really--what gives? <br />
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I don't know. I have crazy flashes (i always have crazy flashes). I told him 10 months ago that we should run away to a 3rd world country and give our lives in service. This week I think I am on the wrong path (nothing new) and want to chuck it all and have a totally different life.<br />
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I think the 2 months away from moving to a 3rd world country is out. I don't think he took me seriously anyway and now he has a path (but what if I was serious about myself? I don't think I'm ready in 2 months, but I think I'm still heading there. Like I have been for over 20 years)<br />
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Even if it is nothing that radical, this weekend made me realize once again I am in the wrong place. I don't know how to reconcile this. I am still operating on an either/or, but the answer is both. I still don't know what that looks like. I'm still scared of the kooky part of me. I wish I had better answers. It feels like it is just beneath the surface.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-52683517127112087682012-07-01T21:28:00.000-07:002012-07-01T21:28:51.523-07:00Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?Heavy duty weekend, probably because I've been mostly tapped out already with our trip to NY last weekend and this little introvert is desperate for a few days of downtime. It would have been incredibly heavy even if my fuel tanks were full. I jumped in with both feet for the training this weekend, soaking it all in, sharing parts of myself that even surprised me. And in the moment of sharing a deep secret, revealing my grieving heart--the universe once again brought me the one person in the room who could be on my wavelength and gave me back so much more than I gave.<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">There is abundance everywhere. </span><br />
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I am reading a lot of Mary Oliver this weekend. No surprise. I'm deep sea diving. <br />
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Oh how I have hidden from myself for so many years. I am peeling back the layers, shedding dead weight. There is a person deep inside me who I don't really recognize and doesn't really recognize me. I think I'm a little scared of her, she seems so much different than me. (the robot me, that is). <br />
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But this i what I said this year is to be, no? The year of me? Well, I guess a part of that is to figure out how to become less fractured and more authentic. Today I feel like a dandelion, a big puff of air has dislodged the seeds and there is nothing to do but watch as they float away, see where they land, and what germinates.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-75828036397531514072012-06-19T22:34:00.003-07:002012-06-19T23:15:01.108-07:00letting things fall apart5 minutes after the start of the first hospice training, I wanted to put my head on the table and let out huge, shaking sobs and I can't really pin down why. Or maybe there are a million whys that are all tumbling out at once and I am unable to find the correct words.<br />
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There is relief, there is fear, there is a big sigh, a feeling of coming home, a self-doubt, a recognition, a shock , a wonderment, a bump, a putting down, a realization.<br />
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There are words I have forgotten that once applied to me: service, calling. It was a joy and a tremendous fear to hear them again.<br />
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I have taken away my luxury to idly decide on when and if I'd like to tear down my walls, when and if I'd like to stay Spock-like in my spirituality. When and if I'd like to focus on self-care. When and if I'd like to stop bullshitting a bullshitter.<br />
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The work is here. To be done now. It's right in my face and I chose it. And I am relieved and scared.<br />
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Everything is about to change.<br />
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That was the first thought I had, the one that was going to reduce me to tears "Everything is about to change". And not necessarily that everything is going to be Awesomesauce Times. Oh no. I just placed a giant mirror in front of myself that I can no longer run away from and I just stepped back on the path that forces me out of my head and into my heart. <br />
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In other words: shit just got real, dogJojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-39756241975725456122012-05-29T00:14:00.000-07:002012-05-29T00:14:03.780-07:00I've been trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up. I'm making progress on checking the things I need off my list, but I haven't actually done what I need to do--sit down and figure out what the end point is. What does my "perfect life" look like? (And I put that in quotes because I know it won't be perfect, but what are the aspects I want in my life). It's difficult to see the forest through the treInes at this point. I'm setting myself up nicely for what comes next, but there is a wild card in my life that keeps everything from feeling like I'm on a stable path. I'd like that path, please. I have vague ideas, but nothing concrete these days.<br />
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Hospice volunteer training is in a few weeks. I should have my first case by July, I suspect. I am both calm and over-thinking it at this point. I have a few weeks to get myself centered a bit. At least, that's how I'm viewing it. A reboot to the soul. It isn't going to be easy but it will be full of ease. Mostly because that is how it has to be. I am yearning to return. I am ready for this.<br />
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Maybe.<br />
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In work news, my role is changing to something bigger, but I'm not quite sure how this all manifests. In some ways, it takes me away from what I love in research. In some ways I wonder if this taking away is another sign that I am in the wrong place. OTOH It is sitoo good of a thing to pass up in terms of getting connected in what happens research-wise and starting to know the players of the consortium. While I am wholly disinterested in what this particular thing is, I am wholly interested in who I can potentially meet. <br />
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There is a marriage between what feeds me intellectually and what feeds me emotionally/spiritually. I want to find it. If there is an ever an opportunity to figure out what that is, it is here. It may not stay in Seattle, but I believe in the depths of my heart that it all starts here. I've believed this for 15 years of diversions and side-tracks. But it is here. And I am closer to it now than I was musing about it in a rental car on the coast of California fifteen years ago. It is the same musing, but not at all. It is an ever-widening spiral. That I know will make sense, I just need to be in the right place. But that is here.<br />
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I need to marry my loves somehow.<br />
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I need to marry my loves and still get out of the heart of the city so I can marry another part of my love to all of this. I still need some land and some water. A little land. A little water. A little garden. A little music. A little books. A little nook. A little fire. <br />
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I want such a simple life and it feels so far away from me, such a total pipe dream. Me, a calling, books, music, bees, garden, rabbits (not for eating!), sheep, chickens. (you don't see goats anymore, do you? no you don't. and not that I don't love goats), instruments, laughter, friends, community. so simple. so complex.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-19790242761991663482012-05-01T23:30:00.000-07:002012-05-01T23:30:18.060-07:00selahJust when I'm getting to the snapping point today of having to bear witness to yet another extremely long, difficult struggle to death--I get the phone call that I've been waiting for that soothes my soul.<br />
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The volunteer coordinator at a local hospice called. <br />
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Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I'm at a breaking point of one person's death and thrilled to get the call for me to spend my free time with more death. Intellectually, research is the best manna ever. Emotionally, I feel emaciated and depleted.<br />
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There is a difference between watching and being present. The watching grinds me down. <br />
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Between that and some sage words of wisdom recently given to me, well, it's time to go back. My life feels like it travels in a spiral.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-72034743250762468292012-04-29T02:18:00.001-07:002012-04-29T02:18:23.917-07:00I can tell the season is changing by the foods I crave. Fresh greens. That's about it. I just want fresh greens--maybe lightly steamed but mostly raw. Specifically, asparagus and lettuce and peas and radishes and baby spinach. I'm thinking about fresh fava beans lately too (which I think are probably almost in town if not already here). It isn't that I wasn't eating greens all winter, but I'm so over kale and collards at this point. I want tender leaves!! Spring is most definitely here.<br />
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Funny how when you start to eat more seasonally, you start to crave seasonal things. Even funnier is how I thought this was all a load of crap just a few years ago. I'm trusting my body these days and if I want to spend my evening chewing leaves all night--well then that is what Imma do.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-61053749230480634412012-04-29T00:56:00.001-07:002012-04-29T00:56:28.188-07:00I really screwed up with the cover crop. I found some other person's blog and they turned over their cover crop like in Feb when the plants were wee. Tomorrow I dig the last of it in, but I mean--it's going to take forever for it to decompose down there. I'll see how much compost I can put on top of everything. Such. A. Bad. Idea.<br />
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OTOH--my soil is rich and dark and I imagine if we are still here next year, I'll have really made a difference. <br />
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Just checked on the squash and melon starts. Some of it has popped up. Some of it is still dormant. I'm a little worried my seed is bad. I believe the cucumber is up and the zucchini. I think the basil is still dormant.<br />
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Still fighting the biggest garden pest--the dog. While I don't really wish we owned this particular house, I wish I owned something to feel comfortable putting in a real fence to keep him out. He's slowly decimating the carrots.<br />
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I'm going to buy the summer plant starts next weekend. I gotta figure out how to carry all the tomatoes and peppers. I need a wagon. Seriously.<br />
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In other news, husband turns 40 in a couple of weeks and Imma rock his face off with fun. I am the most awesome wife ever. No lie.<br />
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May is turning out to be one exciting weekend after another. Can't wait!<br />
<br />Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-25325581450091813022012-04-17T02:27:00.000-07:002012-04-17T02:27:38.108-07:00omg new knivesI am cutting a loaf of bread and not squishing it at all. The only resistance I am getting is with the crust. No smushing. No sawing away. For the first time ever, I am not actually pushing down on the bread. It doesn't lose shape at all. It just cuts. <br />
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i love my knives. i seriously love it. i want to make dark, heavy breads just to see what happens.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-37607163548865633752012-04-17T02:12:00.002-07:002012-04-17T02:12:23.861-07:00happy birthday to meGood and quiet. Highlight of this weekend was finding a lovely Middle Eastern grocer where I stocked up on spices (so in love with their ras el hanout) and finally got my hands on a bag of split urad dal and curry leaves. I see quite a bit of curries in our future. Awesome Husband also went a bit crazy at the Bavarian shop where he picked up some amazing sausages. <div>
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Early birthday present was a real set of knives. I've been wanting a proper chef knife forever but sort of intimidated. Today I found myself with a Wusthof chef knife, paring knife, and bread knife. It's like a whole new world just opened up to me. How many years have I spent just mashing and grinding things thinking I was cutting them? Who knew you could apply like almost zero pressure to soft bread or tomatoes and slice them so thin it was sheer???? I'm going to have to take a class on proper knife skills. And get a proper prep table that is the right height I need to properly cut if I am not wearing stripper shoes. (yes. stripper shoes. they are clear with a big ole' platform and 6" heels that I wear in my kitchen so I am tall enough to actually prep food at a reasonable height. when I have my own house I will lower all the counters to midget height.)</div>
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Tomorrow I'm planning on clearing the rest of the garden. Perhaps the green cover crop was a bad idea. I don't know why I didn't think about how long it would take for it to all break down. Last week I've put in 75 strawberry plants (which I may never enjoy), 16 head of lettuce, a ton of carrots, snap peas, radishes, spinach, baby bok choy. </div>
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I'm starting the summer and winter squashes and cucumbers from seed tomorrow the potatoes started. I'll just buy tomato and pepper starts :/ It's waaaayyy too late. I'm thinking of really digging down the cover crop so I can start planting root crops in the next week or 2. First sewing of beans will go in this week to see what happens. I sort of want to dedicate a little section to dried beans. I've got some areas that I might as well see what happens. I don't imagine I'll yield a lot, but it will be interesting to see what happens and just how it works.</div>
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Friday is Seattle Chinese Orchestra for my birthday. So excited. For almost 20 years I've been going to swing events--but this year, it was Count Basie Orchestra again (nothing against saying "again" as it is always a treat) but I wanted something different this year. Can. Not. Wait.</div>
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Other things? Maybe for a later posting. or not. Hoping to start volunteering next month. Have to finish my BMT course in the next few weeks (that I have ignored). Still trying to figure out what to do as a grown up. Sure, it's only been a few weeks since I've been licensed again, but I need to figure out what to do with it. </div>
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Still totally disinterested in pharma studies. </div>
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<br /></div>Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-66692711096871280202012-03-31T01:11:00.001-07:002012-03-31T01:11:47.522-07:00This feels like my first "real" weekend off in ages. ( I say that with an online class starting 4 days ago that I haven't begun but need to spend some hours this weekend reading). I've got it all fairly planned out with very late seed starting and covering the beds with plastic so I can start to dry out the soil. I'm crazy late on the peas and tomatoes and peppers, but not so terrible for potatoes. Still need to order more seed--gonna try my hand at growing some calypso beans for drying and some soy.<br />
<br />
Got a leek and potato soup in the fridge for dinner tomorrow and a biga fermenting for fussing about tomorrow for a new recipe for hard rolls. I have yet to figure out how to make bread and have it on the table for supper on a weeknight and it has been a constant source of frustration. I've wanted to have challah for shabbat dinner for just about forever, but it is a rare occasion because I need to be home on Fridays to get it ready.<br />
<br />
Awesome Husband has said a few times that he is willing to help out and I've always pooh-poohed him, but it has finally occurred to me just this minute that a) accept the help and b) if I hand-off food prep, he can learn how to do it and maybe (like me) he'll learn to enjoy it. While I can't imagine that he'd ever really be into cooking--the same thing could have been said about me just a few years ago. I keep him out of the kitchen because a) it's my time to zone out and b) I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I don't want anyone to see. But really??? I'd love if this was something we did together and enjoyed. He's always declined taking a cooking class with me because he says he isn't interested, but if the roles were reversed--I'd say the same thing as well.<br />
<br />
My sister can tell horror stories of me cooking while I was growing up. I remember her CRYING and BEGGING my father not to have me cook when it was my turn. And she wasn't being dramatic. I was terrible and didn't give a shit on top of it. <br />
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So, I think I'm going to take him up on it. Just like I was, he has no idea if he likes cooking or not. He just hasn't had to do it or known anyone who did. It would be nice to have a partner in the kitchen. Really, really nice. <br />
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Speaking of food, I have only a week to figure out the next Punk Rock Seder. I keep forgetting that Pesach comes so early this year. I think I'll do all Sephardic recipes this year (with Ashkenazi rules in place). Seders this year will just be for two (or really 3 because we have the dog find the Afikomen), but I hope this is the last time we keep it to ourselves. Next year, I'd like to have 8-10 folks join us. Of course, I'll have to check in with my future step in-laws this year to see who is celebrating to perhaps join forces. Either way, I expect this coming week to be all about cooking and scheming for next Friday.<br />
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I have not yet figured out what to substitute the Paschal lamb for the seder plate. Beets don't feel right. Lamb doesn't feel right unless I can source the lamb. And I don't think I have time. I have heard of using grapes, unfermented barley, and olives instead and that makes much more sense to me (which I'll not go into here for fear of sounding preachy). I'll need to think about it. I can't believe I'm actually thinking of making my seder plate vegan.<br />
<br />
I wonder if I was living my dream life on my dream farm, if I'd sacrifice one of my lambs for Pesach. I would not. No way. And so it seems hypocritical of me to consume part of a slaughter that I would not do if I had lambs at my disposal. So, I can't in good conscious do this either. I believe these things to my core and yet, I also believe I sound like a total West Coast Liberal Nutter. And I am not comfortable with any of it. But there it is. I'm Conflicted-Like-Woah.<br />
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But then again, is that not the natural state of a Jew? (conflicted like woah, i mean)<br />
<br />
What else? <br />
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We joined a gym recently. I'm trying to get back into lifting. It's been frustrating. I have no idea what I can really squat or (more importantly) deadlift. I deadlifted a whole 50 lbs on Thursday. How pathetic. No workout at all and I wanted to cry. It isn't the weight that is holding me back--it's the movement in my hips won't let me get in the right position to do the lift. I can't get down into a deep squat like I used to. The muscles are too tight to let me. v I am trying to find compassion for myself right now and easing back into it. No, I can't squat and lift what I used to. But trying to force the issue will only screw up my hip again. Much better to go slow and easy and work up to where I used to be.<br />
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Just saying that tho'...there is a joy in being back in the gym, back in the weight room, back in front of iron where what is just is what is and you can either move it or you can't. I'm just moving forward every day and focusing on fixing the hip. <br />
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My hip hurts like mad. I'm medicating with anti-inflammatories and just feeling every twinge so maybe I can get to the source and heal it and rebuild. I keep reminding myself that I am not re-injuring. I'm just re-building. I've put in a request to modify my office cube so that I'm standing instead of sitting. I'm hoping that this will start to improve conditions as well. (and once they do it, i'll need to get in the habit of wearing my danskos at my desk). I think standing will be a good thing.<br />
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Work is still going relatively well. I'm still a little paranoid (for good reason, i believe). Still attempting to be a team player. Doing everything I can to just make it through to this fall/early winter. and then, I'm not sure. I'll have everything I need to re-position myself. I still don't think this is my true calling, but i hope to start volunteering again in May to move me closer to where I want to be.<br />
<br />
It is pretty obvious. It has always been pretty obvious. For 20 years. I've known it and not known it at the same time. (really i think i've been so scared and hesitant and influenced by others around me that i never knew my voice and so never believed what is right there)<br />
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I know these things to be true: I love research. I love clinic. I need more clinic in my life. I don't want to give up research. I like both. One feeds me intellectually. One feeds me emotionally/spiritually. <br />
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If I HAD to sacrifice one, I'd probably sacrifice the intellectual stimulation of research. <br />
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So, there is the answer, I guess. It isn't a surprise. <br />
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Really, I just need to start volunteering again. <br />
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Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-72884916073801176372012-03-17T01:33:00.000-07:002012-03-17T01:33:06.312-07:00best dayrealizing that I have actually changed the narrative and no longer faking it/having to pretend. <br />
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<br />
Here is to hard work and putting it down and laying it bare and opening up. Here is to pushing oneself to go past oneself and getting out of your own way and--as they say at my yoga studio--finding the ease. Here is to breathing in and, even more importantly, breathing out. Here is to understanding that you can't see what is next if you are spending all your time picking apart what has already been. Here is to welcoming and embracing and to being alive and present no matter what it happens to be. <br />
<br />
selah. love.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-39587109766802724472012-03-10T23:37:00.000-08:002012-03-10T23:37:15.851-08:00more signs that i am finally returning to myself...-stack of books from the library at my feet regarding from scratch cooking and pantry cooking and home-projects to make one less dependent on carbon fuels. <br />
-Oat bread cooling on the counter (gads I love grinding my own flour)<br />
-Half-written grocery list with gallons of raw milk listed to get going cheese for future ravioli filling<br />
-A gallon of vinegar brought up from the basement to see what I can start pickling<br />
-New notebook of graph paper with the garden sketched out<br />
-cake recipes bookmarked and needing to be decided upon for Friday<br />
<br />
Tomorrow is all about seed-starting and working from home on a number of work-related things. I'd rather not do the work stuff but as it always is, stuff just blows up when I'm busy and I've got a couple studies that desperately need to get off the ground. I'd much rather spend all day messing with soil and seeds <br />
<br />
Oh, and I need to definitely spend at least a bit of time in downward dog. It isn't the same at home, but it's all I can throw down for the moment. Keeping my fingers crossed that in a few months the financial situation changes and I can return to the studio. All those years I poo-poohed yoga and really the problem was that I didn't like it because it wasn't in a 100 degree room.<br />
<br />
Got an online class starting in 2 weeks regarding BMT and after that at some point this summer I'll have to prepare for the CRC certification. I'm not too concerned about either one--just need to get more boxes checked off. <br />
<br />
<br />Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-45291695208927871432012-03-03T01:10:00.001-08:002012-03-03T01:10:26.483-08:00reason for this blogbeen so wrapped up in boards and work that I've neglecte the whole reason for this blog: the garden. I'm not horribly behind this year, but--behind. This weekend I have to figure out what I can start and actually start it. Most of the garden has a green cover crop that I've done nothing with. In fact, nothing has been done for a long time except for new worms a few weeks ago in the worm bin.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, there has been a cold snap so I'm less stressed about not having the peas sewn. but it's time. I've got lots and lots of seeds that need soil and warmth and light so we can get on with the business of living and dying.<br />
<br />
There is a lesson here.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-81025155423011254202012-03-03T00:46:00.001-08:002012-03-03T00:46:13.485-08:00Eventually, things changeI may be on an upswing. In the last 2 weeks:<br />
* I'm licensed again.<br />
*I'm working with a new investigator who is the most fabulous person in the universe and I am wildly in love with everything about him and this (very serious) opportunity. (oh god! he treats me like a peer and actually asks for my input. how novel!). <br />
*I only took over his studies last week and suddenly I have support coming out of the woodwork with more experienced research staff wanting to hold my hand to get me up to speed on the intricacies of what I'll be working on. (I've spent the last 6 years working in the post-transplant world. I'm now moving into transplant). This is potentially much, MUCH more interesting for me (although I do prefer to work with the patients in the post-transplant setting as it is long-term time-frames...intellectually/scientifically I may love the transplant setting better. We'll see. What my doc is focused on is pretty exciting stuff.)<br />
*My mentor and I are coming up with a plan to transition me into a different position in the fall (hopefully). I'm not quite sure if I'd work with the same group or not. I definitely do not want to lose working with Le Petit Terreur and Pepe Le Peu. The reality is, I can have a different title and a different pay scale and still be doing the exact same thing I am doing now. We'll work on it over the spring/summer. <br />
<br />
My whole frame of mind has shifted in the last month. I have a feeling that my licensing issue has had a profound negative effect on my life for quite a long time. I knew this, but I don't think I really appreciated how MUCH it has negatively impacted my life and my self-confidence. I've become a New Woman in the last month or so--even before getting my license again. The act of committing to doing it was profound for me.<br />
<br />
Sitting for boards again was also a very eye-opening experience. I have been terrified for eons to sit for boards out here. Petrified to the point that I could never get my shit together enough to do it because I was sure I couldn't do it. I'd been out of practice for too long. Too many things I didn't remember. <br />
<br />
The reality? Well, I most certainly failed half the questions because that's how it goes (and I had a ton of "choose all that apply" and I am notoriously bad at answering those correctly), but it was EASY. I knew I passed half-way through the exam. It never got to the point where I thought I was seriously over my head. <br />
<br />
This isn't just the test. This is how I have seen my life. Terrified of shadows and smoke. All of my defeats have been because I have gotten into my own way and doubted myself. 100% of the time. And I talk myself out of pushing myself because of doubt. This is utterly ridiculous and I am now bored with the status quo. It was a fun ride, but really? There have been more than enough times around this particular Merry Go Round. I'm ready to do something different.<br />
<br />
And so I am.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-69602690186824543562012-02-26T22:40:00.003-08:002012-02-26T22:40:35.350-08:00The big thing is done. Unofficial results tomorrow. Official results--not sure when. Not that it matters. I know without a doubt that I was successful. Knew it half way through. What it all means, I don't know. What comes next? I don't know. This was the easy part. Figuring out what is next is the hard part. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Spent the rest of Saturday and all day today doing--nothing. No projects. No must dos. Even blew off some work that actually needs to be done. I just slept and relaxed and reveled in feeling calm and centered.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've been letting it all go. Unclenching fists. Dropping bags of bones. the small middling and big big things. all of it. Years of it. Opening the windows and letting some fresh air in. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm finally ready. I don't know what for, but if nothing else--just to be present to see what is. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Nothing is different and everything has changed. I'm finally Here.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-85067053964723770762012-02-11T00:05:00.000-08:002012-02-11T00:05:05.515-08:00Last year I took a week off of work about this time. And I said some kind of crazy things to Awesome Husband that scared him. Things like trying to make art and sell it. Or moving out of the country. With no plan. just an idle idea. And not like WE were moving out of the country--like I was going to do this thing and I hadn't given any thought to our family and the impact. This was all very distressing to him (ya think?) and I couldn't understand it. I may or may not have been talking in metaphors. I still don't quite know. <br />
<br />
A year later and I haven't quite done anything different. But I've been moving at a glacially slow place to start to implement plans. I'm still laying groundwork. I'm still not sure if if me leaving the country is metaphorical or not. I'm still plodding along as if it is both metaphorical and actual. <br />
<br />
Today I can see real movement in where I was from last year, even if it is only evident in my internal world. I have finally made friends with uncertainty. At least for the moment. I have found my center again. I am letting the garbage go. <br />
<br />
so comes love.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-86796857909281846012012-02-10T23:53:00.000-08:002012-02-10T23:53:45.383-08:00and so it begins<i>let all go</i><br />
<i> dear</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>so comes love</i>Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-79719673144023824712012-01-25T23:23:00.000-08:002012-01-25T23:24:15.349-08:00big ideasMany years ago I had this big idea that I would become a Secret Harlequin Romance Novelist. By day, research geek but by night--professional bodice-ripper and heaver of bosoms. No one would know about my secret (and by "no one" I mean "probably everyone" because I can't keep a secret about myself if I tried, but in my imagination--I would know how to shut up.) At my death, the Big Reveal would happen and friends and family would murmur among themselves in shock, "who knew that she wrote 17 books under the name Sonja Deveraux (that wasn't going to be my secret nom de plume, but doesn't that sound like a either a fake romance novelists name, b) a porn star, or c) a character in an 80's soap opera)? Did you know that she wrote "Valentine Summer Love A Go-Go? She always seemed so logical and snide--who knew she harbored such great passions in secret?" and so on and so forth.<br />
<br />
At the time I had never read a romance novel. Awesome Husband (who was only Swell Boyfriend at the time) convinced me that I had to read at least 3 romance novels before I could write one. I mean, I guess he had a point about me actually knowing what goes into a romance novel before I wrote one. Needless to say, I was so furious by these books and I >hated< the females in the books so bad that it just totally ruined my vision forever. I hated them so much that even now, almost 10 years later--I am typing violently at my keyboard just remembering how much I detested them. I ripped one of the books up I was so mad. In Harlequin romances, the ladies are written like one-dimensional batshit insane stalkers. And not even in an amusing way. In a "what the hell is this nonsense?" way.<br />
<br />
(Of course, this was before I was introduced to the marvel and wonder that is Harlequin Romance Novels Featuring Pregnant Broads Looking For Love. I've read a couple of those that I found at a dive bar I used to frequent and they are A.W.E.S.O.M.E.. And yes, they are awesome even when you are sober.Trust me. )<br />
<br />
So, anyway. My grand dream was MURDERED. And now a few days ago, I've decided that I could just write self-help books. Those are money makers. I even have a working title of my first one:<br />
<br />
"Yes, You *Are* Totally Fucked Up In the Head. So Is Everyone Else (With Sprinkles)"<br />
<br />
It's going to be a sort of blend of "I'm Ok, You're Ok" with name-any-book-by-Sark. I'll make millions.<br />
<br />
the end.<br />
<br />Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-31429231225152706622012-01-09T22:53:00.000-08:002012-01-09T22:53:56.327-08:0010 days until the big test<br />
14 day until yucky audit<br />
21 days until the big safety report is due<br />
Add trying to get 2 studies off the ground as well, both with their own problems as well as normal work day stuff. Yeah, life is more than a little stupid. <br />
<br />
10 days until testing and I'm already thinking about getting back into the kitchen and getting back into my pile of neglected dirt. And that is all I'm thinking about. Getting my life back. <br />
<br />
I gotta pass this test<br />
<br />Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-69331975879405390562011-12-29T23:58:00.000-08:002011-12-29T23:58:05.203-08:0016 hoursbegins Operation Lockdown. Friday eve-Monday afternoon I am in a hotel in a part of town with absolutely NOTHING. I will unplug the t.v, disconnect the phone and spend 68 hours studying, napping, and swimming. I'll most likely repeat the cycle next Friday-Sunday. Still trying to determine if I'll do it in 2 weeks or not. I suppose it depends on how I feel--but it is likely. <br />
<br />
On one hand, this is TOTAL overkill. OTOH, this albatross has been a weight around my neck for more years than I care to remember--always full of emotion and waffling. If I can actually lift this weight off of me once and for all, any money/time/energy spent is absolutely worth every penny and every second. <br />
<br />
It's been long over a decade since I have holed myself up in a hotel room to cram for test with occasional swim breaks. It was only last night that I remembered that I did such a kooky thing. Turn off all clocks. Close all curtains. Block all natural light as much as possible. Study until brain is full and either swim or nap. Rinse. Repeat.<br />
<br />
But it has always given me the best test scores. And this week I finally noticed that my quality of studying decreases when Awesome Dude is at home. He never interrupts me. We are even on different floors and opposite sides of the house. He is totally silent. Doesn't matter. It is still radically different than being alone. And I do the best brain time when I feel alone. So, it's time to go back to what was successful in the dorm. <br />
<br />
Bags are packed. Goggles are purchased. Just me and my brain for 3 days straight. And a few weeks to prove the work I've done.<br />
<br />
selahJojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-63443476784080023962011-12-29T23:20:00.000-08:002011-12-29T23:20:18.924-08:00To every season....Situation is much in the same place, mind is slowly changing. Mind is most of the equation most of the time, nu?<br />
<br />
A new season. A new year. Not a new me, but some realization and acceptance of how things are, of who I am, and of dreams and aspirations of who I'd like to be. Of making conscious choices for, perhaps, the first time in my life. And for choices that I cannot make, to change the way I see/feel/react to them. It is a long way to Grace.<br />
<br />
In less heavy news--Miz Zen Work-Bestie and I are planning total DIY (in your face). Tomorrow we plan out her teenyweeny veg garden for next year. I'm not-so-secretly planning starts for her as I've got the room. I've also got herb cuttings to root for her (i can't imagine i can do this in January). In exchange, she is spinning yarn for me. (i get the better deal, for sure). I love being able to trade knowledge/interest/craft with someone. Cannot wait to get more bandwidth to trade all the things. <br />
<br />
2012 is the Year of the Vegetable. I do not know what our living situation will be come September and so this might be my last year (for the next couple of years) to grow food. I need to just blow it all out. I'll make plans, for sure--but I'm also throwing caution to the wind--if there is empty dirt, a seed is going in there. Period. If I'm crazy successful or something, I can just get our canned storage needs/wants for whatever comes next.<br />
<br />
Speaking of whatever comes next--I have a big date in 3 weeks. I'm not sure how it will go. I don't feel real confident but I'm trying the whole "fake it till I make it" because honestly--I think I can reach the goal. In 3 weeks (knock on wood), my life opens back up again. I'm not sure what the outcome means, but I do know that I'll have a lot more free time. Even if things don't work out as planned, it has been nice to realize how much time I waste on things that don't matter. Studying intensively will do that ,I suppose. <br />
<br />
A new year always excites me. Especially after the trauma of this last year. There are still plenty of personal losses that will need time to process. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever recover. Other times I realize that I'm not hep to live the Personal Tragedy That Never Recovers plot point. I did not choose a lot of aspects of this life, but in the end--it is still my life. My story. My narrative. I can embrace it or reject it, but it still just is. Might as well roll.Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199640175921715187.post-50415050865886386762011-11-03T01:20:00.000-07:002011-11-03T01:20:13.273-07:00I'm having a righteous pity party for myself tonight. Work is going not well. And all the signs I've chosen to ignore in the last year and half, the sirens just keep getting louder and louder and louder. And I keep ignoring them and doubting my impressions.<br />
<br />
So many days I have said, "This is the last straw." But, you know, it never is. And now it isn't because I have another person to feed shelter and put through school. My options are limited/non-existent. <br />
<br />
And I'm interested (overall) in this position. I'm in the wrong place with the wrong people. With the wrong patient population. The title and work is right. Everything else is wrong. <br />
<br />
I can't deal with the triangulation any more. I can't deal with my supervisor withholding feedback until she has to evaluate me. I cannot believe that she actually said one thing to me in June and now, in November, there is a completely different story that goes into my file. I feel crazy. I hate that there isn't good intent. I hate that my P.I feels like I am a pest instead of an asset.. I hate that we can't just have it out with each other.<br />
<br />
Things have been said about me today that I have never, ever heard in my life. I am devastated. And yet, there is a part of me that thinks, "How am I hearing about things like this for the first time in almost 40 years???" I'm totally shocked.<br />
<br />
And really, I'm totally heartbroken. In some ways, I'm not being fair.. I have heard none of the positive feedback said about me. Zero. It doesn't matter that it took my PI forever to think about something negative about me but the negative things were so shocking to me. And it isn't even the negative things, but I don't know how to make it better. I've said for the last year that he needs someone with a lot more experience than I have. I hate that I've wanted to please him so much and perhaps I have--but I seem to fail him in ways that I do not know how to make better. <br />
<br />
And even more than all of this, I can't be on this crazy train. I feel like I'm replaying old family tapes. I cannot count how many times I've muttered to myself, "I can't win." "I don't understand." or "I feel like I am crazy'<br /><br />
No more of this. I'm so god damn tired of being in a place where I am second-guessing my gut emotions. I ALWAYS do this. And I'm here again wondering if I should make an SOS to my therapist because I cannot figure out if I'm totally delusional or not. My gut and even my calm brain is saying one thing, but I feel like there is a different narrative happening with everyone else. I don't get it. Am I really this bad???<br />
I feel like everyone else says it me, so it MUST be me. I'm the common denominator in all of this, right?<br />
Right. So it HAS to be me in some/ a lot of ways but i just am too stupid to get how/why.<br />
<br />
And I don't get why I'm so dumb in THIS. I am quite obviously incompetent on a number of levels--some of which are simply due to ignorance --but more and more, I just feel out of my depth intellectually. I don't get it. I don't think I"m brilliant, but I feel actually stupid for the first time ever. <br />
<br />
And when you are a person who is built like me who has spent her whole life thinking that the one thing she possessed was some small degree of intelligence--to have this taken away, is bad.<br />
<br />
Yeah--wah me and my white Jewish middle-class totally first world problems.<br />
<br />
I hear you, Universe. I do.<br />
<br />
<br />Jojo Beanheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01908044705768441834noreply@blogger.com0