This feels like my first "real" weekend off in ages. ( I say that with an online class starting 4 days ago that I haven't begun but need to spend some hours this weekend reading).  I've got it all fairly planned out with very late seed starting and covering the beds with plastic so I can start to dry out the soil.   I'm crazy late on the peas and tomatoes and peppers, but not so terrible for potatoes.   Still need to order more seed--gonna try my hand at growing some calypso beans for drying and some soy.

Got a leek and potato soup in the fridge for dinner tomorrow and a biga fermenting for fussing about tomorrow for a new recipe for hard rolls.  I have yet to figure out how to make bread and have it on the table for supper on a weeknight and it has been a constant source of frustration. I've wanted to have challah for shabbat dinner for just about forever, but it is a rare occasion because I need to be home on Fridays to get it ready.

 Awesome Husband has said a few times that he is willing to help out and I've always pooh-poohed him, but it has finally occurred to me just this minute that a) accept the help and b) if I hand-off food prep, he can learn how to do it and maybe (like me) he'll learn to enjoy it.  While I can't imagine that he'd ever really be into cooking--the same thing could have been said about me just a few years ago.  I keep him out of the kitchen because a) it's my time to zone out and b) I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I don't want anyone to see. But really??? I'd love if this was something we did together and enjoyed.  He's always declined taking a cooking class with me because he says he isn't interested, but if the roles were reversed--I'd say the same thing as well.

 My sister can tell horror stories of me cooking while I was growing up. I remember her CRYING and BEGGING my father not to have me cook when it was my turn.  And she wasn't being dramatic. I was terrible and didn't give a shit on top of it.

So, I think I'm going to take him up on it.  Just like I was, he has no idea if he likes cooking or not.  He just hasn't had to do it or known anyone who did.  It would be nice to have a partner in the kitchen.  Really, really nice.

Speaking of food, I have only a week to figure out the next Punk Rock Seder.  I keep forgetting that Pesach  comes so early this year.  I think I'll do all Sephardic recipes this year (with Ashkenazi rules in place).    Seders this year will just be for two (or really 3 because we have the dog find the Afikomen), but I hope this is the last time we keep it to ourselves. Next year, I'd like to have 8-10 folks join us. Of course, I'll have to check in with my future step in-laws this year to see who is celebrating to perhaps join forces.   Either way, I expect this coming week to be all about cooking and scheming for next Friday.

I have not yet figured out what to substitute the Paschal lamb for the seder plate.  Beets don't feel right.  Lamb doesn't feel right unless I can source the lamb. And I don't think I have time.  I have heard of using grapes, unfermented barley, and olives instead and that makes much more sense to me (which I'll not go into here for fear of sounding preachy). I'll need to think about it.  I can't believe I'm actually thinking of making my seder plate vegan.

 I wonder if I was living my dream life on my dream farm, if I'd sacrifice one of my lambs for Pesach.  I would not.  No way.  And so it seems hypocritical of me to consume part of a slaughter that I would not do if I had lambs at my disposal.  So, I can't in good conscious do this either.   I believe these things to my core and yet, I also believe I sound like a total West Coast Liberal Nutter.  And I am not comfortable with any of it.  But there it is.  I'm Conflicted-Like-Woah.

 But then again, is that not the natural state of a Jew?  (conflicted like woah, i mean)

What else?

We joined a gym recently. I'm trying to get back into lifting.  It's been frustrating.  I have no idea what I can really squat or (more importantly) deadlift.  I deadlifted a whole 50 lbs on Thursday. How pathetic.   No workout at all and I wanted to cry. It isn't the weight that is holding me back--it's the movement in my hips won't let me get in the right position to do the lift.  I can't get down into a deep squat like I used to. The muscles are too tight to let me.  v I am trying to find compassion for myself right now and easing back into it.  No, I can't squat and lift what I used to. But trying to force the issue will only screw up my hip again.  Much better to go slow and easy and work up to where I used to be.

Just saying that tho'...there is a joy in being back in the gym, back in the weight room, back in front of iron where what is just is what is and you can either move it or you can't.   I'm just moving forward every day and focusing on fixing the hip.

My hip hurts like mad. I'm medicating with anti-inflammatories and just feeling every twinge so maybe I can get to the source and heal it and rebuild.  I keep reminding myself that I am not re-injuring.  I'm just re-building.   I've put in a request to modify my office cube so that I'm standing instead of sitting. I'm hoping that this will start to improve conditions as well. (and once they do it, i'll need to get in the habit of wearing my danskos at my desk). I think standing will be a good thing.

Work is still going relatively well. I'm still a little paranoid (for good reason, i believe).  Still attempting to be a team player.  Doing everything I can to just make it through to this fall/early winter.  and then, I'm not sure. I'll have everything I need to re-position myself.   I still don't think this is my true calling, but i hope to start volunteering again in May to move me closer to where I want to be.

It is pretty obvious. It has always been pretty obvious. For 20 years.   I've known it and not known it at the same time.  (really i think i've been so scared and hesitant and influenced by others around me that i never knew my voice and so never believed what is right there)

I know these things to be true: I love research. I love clinic.  I need more clinic in my life.  I don't want to give up research. I like both. One feeds me intellectually. One feeds me emotionally/spiritually.

If I HAD to sacrifice one, I'd probably sacrifice the intellectual stimulation of research.

So, there is the answer, I guess.  It isn't a surprise.

Really, I just need to start volunteering again.