Thursday, July 16, 2009


I'm emotionally exhausted thinking about changing careers again.

Some things have happened in the last week or so (and most dramatically--yesterday and today) that has pushed my mild discontent at work into the Line-Has-Been-Crossed-Not-Doing-It-Anymore Zone. Really, it's time. My husband says it is time. Even my father who I barely speak to and don't say anything to says it's time (for different reasons. Mostly because I can't go anywhere in this job).

I haven't wanted it to be time because I don't have a Plan B. I mean, this job was SUPPOSED to give me space to figure out a Plan B, but then the whole wedding and figuring out how to live with someone else/be a wife, blah, blah, blah just sorta took up bandwidth for quite a bit. And then I just got complacent and in a rut.

I've been here 3.5 years. It is time to go and I have no plan. Or fighting a plan. I don't know. Where to? I'm not sure. But last night and this morning, although I have been fighting it for various all comes back to going back into nursing. I have the most opportunity there. Everyone knows this except me. I can't seem to let go of being furious about leaving the profession to fuck around for 13 years and then having to start all over again. Do you know where I could be by now if I had just knocked it off?!? guh.

The thought of having to take all those classes again and being with other student nurses (because god bless them, at least in St. Louis--most of them were mouth breathers) makes me shudder. The ridiculous papers you have to write and the professors who all needed to justify their PhD's in nursing theory (oh god oh god oh god) will be very difficult to deal with. I had a serious problem the first time around with the nonsense.

Anyway. So, I started looking into programs this morning and into a few other things (like clinical trials) and trying to set up some informational meetings with folks here. At lunch, a woman sat down behind me and started to talk to some other woman about going into nursing school, being a nurse and becoming a nurse practioner. It reminded me about the things I did love about being a nurse and you know, nursing actually did fulfill my desire to help others/do good in the world/do my part in alleviating suffering. And I did get to teach people and I did get to see lifecycles. And a whole bunch of other things that I honestly did like and did feel good.I know I don't really believe in these things--but I can't tell you how much this lady felt like a messager from god/the universe/whatever who was talking directly to me. I couldn't even unplug from her and read my book. I just listened to everything she had to say.

AwesomeHusband asked me what I wanted to do and I just said, "You know--I'd like something that was mildly interesting and let me work 40 hours a week."

How is that for a career?!? Mildly interesting???

It's true. As much as I'd love to say that I'm my father's child--the whole idea of "career as main focus" has been revolting for as long as I remember. I mean, one of the main reasons I CHOSE to go into nursing was because I could have shift-work and not bring my work home.

I am not young enough, not boobie enough, not blonde enough, not ditzy enough, not tall enought, and not pretty enough to be a trophy wife. (Besides having a father and step-mother who made us sing songs about not depending on a man for anything. That is in last place right now because the list above isn't fulfilled. I'm just sayin' if I was a tall, leggy, hot blonde--I wouldnt' be the trophy wife because I can't stand not to earn my own keep.)

I am frustrated that my job can't be "Professional Musher" where I can just dabble at various things without actually gaining any competence in any of it. Just do what strikes my fancy for the moment. If I had artistic ability, I could at least tell some story about how I'm an artist going through a crisis so support my wanking...or whatever those folks do. I can't even do that.

I just need to rob a bank or win the lottery (although I suppose you have to actually BUY a ticket to win) or find some long-lost billionare old relative to buddy up with who will give me his/her lifesavings.

I find it mildly amusing that I have traded places with my sister, except in some weird time-warp, freaky-friday sense. When she was 2-3 years old and you would ask her what she would like to be when she grew up, she would say, "I want to be a farmer." I can't believe that I thought that was the dumbest thing to say 30 years ago, but right now--that would be my answer.

Damn your good ideas, duckie.

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"Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day."

-E.B. White

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